Narcotics Anonymous

Welcome to the Miracles In Progress Group of Narcotics Anonymous! This is not an official NA site, nor is it endorsed by the NA World Service Office.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> Here Goes Nuthin...
Post Info TOPIC: Here Goes Nuthin...
cleanNOTsober


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 31
Date:
Here Goes Nuthin...
Permalink  

Might as well. I mean, it can't hurt, can it?? I'm not a regular at posting about me on any type of message board, recovery or not. My snarky personality usually rears its ugly head and... well, it sure don't get too pretty.

I've watched many addicts in my area relapse anywheres from 10 to 16 years of cleantime. It's a scary thing to see, for a long-timer such as moi. Frightening, in fact. I hear of the lapse in meeting attendance, Letting go, and forgetting God. Drop in service work. No sponsor or not calling him / her. A myriad of little things that always seem to add up to an emotional relapse and then the physical. Some are gone for good. Others return after months or weeks or even days (which is ...sigh... good to see).

I'm coming up on my 17th anniversary in another month and have been struggling with my own personal recovery. I stopped going to meetings regularly at the end of last year. I realized that that wasn't gonna work. I never gave up talking to and listening to my God, altho' many a-time I ignored what I was being shown. I read our literature, and that of many other different fellowships, to see if I could find an answer to the angst that is running thru me. I totalled up a few things in that time.

My sponsor left the country to do work for his church. He's down that before, but since his kids have all growed up, he's making this venture semi-permanent. I know for a fact that work he made me do was a great force in keeping my recovery in line. I got me a new sponsor a month ago, and I am having a bugger of a time lifting up that 20 ton handset and giving him a call.

My lack of regular meeting attendance kept me from learning things that other recovering addicts have to share. I see that with each and every meeting I go to these days. I am back to going to my home group each and every week.

I want to get into bigger service. My current service is to simply show up, and try to offer what I have to the still suffering addict. Heck, it feels great just to express the gratitude I got when someone shres something that makes me go "Wow!" By bigger service is something like our website co-ordinator, since I spend hours each day on the computer. But, I fried myself on service. I did too much and thus became jaded to doing that sorta thing. I am, however, going to start real small and simply volunteer to greet next month at my home group (and keep my hands under me butt when other positions come up or someone nominates me for whatever thing they think I can do.

I need to start writing my Steps again. My previous sponsor had me doing them almost on a yearly basis. ! thru 12, a 2 or 3 week "vacation", then back at it. I honestly think that is the biggest thing missing in my program right now. It's been a year since I last wrote the Steps and Step 10 just ain't cutting it for me these days. I am writing the Steps in prep for my smoking quit date on my clean date next month. Bugger with that is that I'm doing it solo 'cause I ain't found anyone in my area willing to do this with me. I may drop that all together...

...blahblah.gif...yadda yadda yadda...on and on...blahblah.gif...

It troubles me to say that after 16+ years of cleantime (and a lot of that with recovery!) that I can actually feel so totally frakked that it's like I am a newcomer. And when I share feelings like that in a meeting, I get no response, no feedback. Makes me think I am an untouchable --"Heck, he's got a lotta cleantime, he'll figger ot out."--

What hit me the hardest was when I got my tax refund at the beginning of the month. Over $1300 and the very first thing I thought of was not to go for my DOC and grab a bottle somwheres, but to head downtown and score big, hard, make the relapse a "worthwhile" thing. shit... So, I spent it all on over-paying my bills, more food than I got space to store it, a coupla upgrades to this electronic mind-frak I rumble with, and a buncha useless knick-knacks that cleared my accounts to less than $100. Took a wee bit o' the temptation away, that did.

I hear enuff at my meetings from the very new-comers to those coming back that I do not want to use!!! It ain't worth it. Even if It would give me a temporary vacation from the crapola raging thru my being. Alls it would probably do is make me think seriously about a permanent vacation, and all that does is screw up everyone who is close to me. Who am I to take myself out and frak up everyone around me?!

I'm in a bad way. My journal is rife with it all. I'm stating the bits and pieces of it all here because I need to do something different. Different is good. NA taught me that. If it works to help change, bravo! If not, oh well. I tried...

Today, I Am Clean! At least I gots that to hold on to!!!


-- Edited by cleanNOTsober on Tuesday 17th of March 2009 01:11:31 PM

__________________
Keep The Faith*
Robb
BigV


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 3718
Date:
Permalink  

OH but it gets better Robb biggrin

Coming up on 3 years here been here before been angry and miserable here too , just looking back I see a pattern for myself of making my life miserable not life making me miserable.

How to fix it ? do we stop this and do that and try this and try something new, do we pray more and meditate ? yes that works let the higher power guide us through these times.

You've done a lot more then I have that much I can read bleh

No matter how much time we have we're one drink one drug away from using what we have is a daily reprieve kinda like cancer being in remission. Sometimes cancer has a way of finding a foot hold maybe that's like our disease/addictions ? maybe like someone with cancer or HIV there  immune system gets worn down a bit,  for us our recovery systems lacks growth ?

Pain forces us to do many things we really are to lazy to do, pain forces us to take a close look at ourselves, pain helps us to grow you are having growing pains Robb wink

I heard an old timer in a meeting talking about himself whilst describing my condition too, he called it growing pains and I like that idea rather then relapse mode.

So your going to figure it out this aint all roses n blue jays flittering around in our heads " We are sick people " .

Hang in there buddy keep sharing all of our lives depend on your success.




-- Edited by BigV on Tuesday 17th of March 2009 10:24:43 AM

__________________
It's all about spirituality...
DeanC


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 769
Date:
Permalink  

Hey Rob,

sounds like you are isolating a bit. usually when we feel funky like that, it's because we're out of balance
with our routines of socializing, excercising, getting out into nature (the woods, the river, the ocean, the mountains). Got any hobbies or pets? All of those are elements and gifts of spirituality. God is everywhere, and giving gratitude to him/her/whatever over the many gifts that we've been given is the primary ingredient in happiness. Gratitude = Happiness, you can't have one without the other. Meetings just
show us how to live, then we have to go out and do it. If your life is lacking in meaning, then you need to go out and get you some more life. smile.gif

Dean

__________________


Jana40503


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 138
Date:
Permalink  

First of all, glad you're here and you spell your name the same way as my brother and son do... Don't see that often!

Anniversaries are squirrley time if you ask me... I've got 6 years coming up in a few weeks.

You're still clean so that means you've got choices! Sounds like you're prepared to make some good ones!

I'm glad to have you here!

__________________
The truth does not change based on my inability to stomach it - Flannery O'Connor

My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance and in inverse proportion to my expectations - Michael J. Fox
cleanNOTsober


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 31
Date:
Permalink  

DeanC wrote:
***snip***
sounds like you are isolating a bit. usually when we feel funky like that, it's because we're out of balance
Isolation. Ah, t'is my middle name. Robb Isolation Addict. Been an isolater since I was knee high to a mosquito (we got big skitters here in Canada!).

***snip***
with our routines of socializing, excercising, getting out into nature (the woods, the river, the ocean, the mountains). Got any hobbies or pets?
Those words made me realize that a big part of my Blue Funk has been winter. But, I was out and about today. The snow is beginning to melt in a big way. The ice is disappearing off the river (woo-hoo! Fishing!!). Soon, I'll be able to grab a bus to the outskirts of town and do nature walks agin. Indeed, just going out today was healing all by itself.

***snip***
If your life is lacking in meaning, then you need to go out and get you some more life. smile.gif
Yeah, fer sher, eh. I tell myself after each 10 hour marathon on the computer, "Robb. Git yerself a freakin' life!!" It's the undiagnosed health issues keeping me from working, being on the welfare rolls, and wondering if that "acceptable, responsible, and productive" thing will ever kick back in again that I let gnaw at my psyche way too much.
Naw, you're right. I just gotta get off me duff and simply start by going outside more.


Jana40503 wrote:
***snip***
Anniversaries are squirrley time if you ask me...
Usta be the same for me in ancient times. I kinda look forward to 'em nowadays. But, I am always pleased when they are over and done with. And I get to celebrate with only 1 person this year. Yay!! That means the meeting will end at a fairly decent hour!! w00t.gif hehe...


BigV wrote:
***snip***
just looking back I see a pattern for myself of making my life miserable not life making me miserable.
That's the bugger right now. I know that it is me raging up this frenzy. I just can't seem to find that pattern like I usually do. **shrug** Well, I guess I could say, "Hm, something different here."

***snip***
what we have is a daily reprieve kinda like cancer being in remission.
I actually equate it to my diabetes. If I don't manage my diabetes / addiction, I will die. But, yeah, what I have today is a reprieve from the total insanity I had using. Now, it's just plain old insanity. Much better... biggrin

Hey, people!! Muchos gracias and merci beaucoup to you all for your words and sharing! It sure did this ol' addict a world of good. And I am glad to be here, too!! Gotta go now. My sponsor will be getting home from work in a bit and I need to limber up my arm and dialling finger to give him a call...
 ... coffeemachine.gif ... coffeecup.gif ... phonecall.gif ...

(aye, t'is the Robb with two B's. They call me RawBuhBuh round these parts.
In French, it's r-r-r-r-RahBayBay. So much more sexier thataways!)


__________________
Keep The Faith*
Robb
DeanC


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 769
Date:
Permalink  

LMAO, thanks Robbbb, you made my day.

__________________


LeeU


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 573
Date:
Permalink  

As noted "what I have today is a reprieve from the total insanity I had using. Now, it's just plain old insanity. Much better."

YEAH...2 true.  I too have to get out and breath, move around, do something fun, whether solo or with someone (that I can stand to be with...picky, picky, me!).  I'm relating to a lot of this. Coming up on an anniversary that I had been too-too preoccupied with and couldn't shake it or figure it out. Finally, the pieces of the puzzle came together and, for me, it wasn't so much about the quality of my program, or the solidness of my recovery, it was about needing an adjustment to some meds for two other conditions. When the head and the rest of the body got right, the crud-ola started to ebb like a slow tide.

But that alone would not have done it if I hadn't made the effort to get myself online (was looking for an AA Loners site initially, and ended up with several good ones, including here). BALANCE, BALANCE, BALANCE tho...I'm not one that thinks 90 in 90 is always the best way to go...I think it's very individual, and for me, I have to guard against diving in too deep too fast for too long. 

relax.gifMy relaxation efforts, including some structured processes, are really beginning to pay off. It was the threat to emotional sobriety that was creeping in and I didn't like it one bit. I probably should post this on my topic The Anniversary: form then to now!! LOL Time to get off the machine & enjoy my decaf for the evening. Thanks to all virtual friends in fellowship! coffeecup.gif Must be gettin' old, the tiny type has gotta go!



-- Edited by LeeU on Tuesday 17th of March 2009 06:19:50 PM

__________________
From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
lanem


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 17
Date:
Permalink  

Hi mate, have no idea whether this might help. I can only tell you what I do. I turned 21 clean the other day. One meeting a week is not enough for me to feel "a part of" the fellowship...2 or 3 works much better for me. We only keep what we have by giving it away...that's what it says.
I look after myself..sure..but my focus is more on the newcomer than my own introspection.
For me there came a time when that introspection was indulgent.
Cheers Mike from OZ

__________________

MICHAEL L.   bRIsbAnE aUstRAliA
cleanNOTsober


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 31
Date:
Permalink  

LeeU wrote:
...snip... BALANCE, BALANCE, BALANCE
...snip... I have to guard against diving in too deep too fast for too long.
.. I do tend to forget to balance my life and my recovery. Years of being a Type 1 diabetic taught me to find balance in diet, insulin, and excercise. NA's logo shows, "Self, God, Service, Society". Those are my own balancing points in living (as opposed to working) my program of recovery.
.. Too Deep. Too Fast. Too Long. Hm, sounds like a great title for a movie!
"Robb: Too Deep. Too Fast. Too Long."
Coming soon to a repertoire theater near you!
Always been a downfall in my serenity. I can do this! I can do that!! I can do the other thing, too!!! And zip! I'm into burn-out. I keep misplacing the KeepItSimpleSweetheart Principle. .. heart.gif .. I'm all set and ready to take on the world of Service, but I need to keep my sense of balance.
...snip... Must be gettin' old, the tiny type has gotta go!
.. hehe, t'is why I always bump the font size up from the default! I wear bi-focals, but I had to create a clip on made from a pair of reading glasses just to see my computer screen clearly. Welcome to the Passage of Time!! .. imslow.gif ..

lanem wrote:
...snip...One meeting a week is not enough for me to feel "a part of" the fellowship...2 or 3 works much better for me.
.. I realized that last night when I went to a celebration. It made me realize just how far out of touch I have become from my own local Fellowship. All the faces I didn't know, and all the faces that I hadn't seen in a long time. None of them are gonna get to know this ol' boy if'n he doesn't get himself back out there. And, oh boy, I do need to collect and use more phone numbers. I mentioned above about my bent towards isolation. Best way for me to start is to get my sorry butt out and about!

...snip...
I look after myself..sure..but my focus is more on the newcomer than my own introspection. For me there came a time when that introspection was indulgent.
.. Last night I also realized that I was jealous of the newcomer and the attention they got. I've been kicking around for long enough that I realized there were many addicts out there (friends, by gosh!!) who cared about me and would most certainly give me whatever it is that I may think I need.
.. And if I put more effort than I currently do with the newcomer, well, I've been shown that can give me more'n I could ever hope for!
======================
Aww, heck, just look at what I got from my simple posting of a boo-hoo--waaah! Some introspection that was beneficial, and the realization that I was going way too far down into myself and found it getting hard to climb back out.
All because I shared. All because there were addicts such as you folk who reached out to me (to me, can you believe it??!!) and gave back what you have learned. I am truly blessed!! And very much grateful...


-- Edited by cleanNOTsober on Friday 20th of March 2009 07:52:39 PM

__________________
Keep The Faith*
Robb
BigV


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 3718
Date:
Permalink  

People like all of you old timers ( I say that respectfully wink) are the energy of this program the lifes blood are the new comers who need help from that energy. You all are the HIGHER POWER that is greater then our addiction.

As I see it, My higher power which I have chosen to call God has helped each of us walk through this path of life we are all on and has carried us to these rooms for a soul purpose, #1 to save our lives and the lives of others like us to bring back the dead and dying, to give new  life back to the diseased who had lost health and happiness .

And I want to thank you all for sharing here you guys can help to save a life you all have saved mine and i am truely greatful to the old timers who took the time here to help out this lost soul , it brings tears of gratitude this morning to say that and go on with my day to day living not dying.

__________________
It's all about spirituality...
MIKEF


Guru

Status: Offline
Posts: 2704
Date:
Permalink  

Hey rob! mikef here..
how ya doin today! i was just looking back thru some of the posts and came upon yours..i am relatively new here to the board.my situation is a little backwards itself. i began my "clean time" in 1984 after approx 25 years of addiction.i chose to surrender rather than die. i went forward with very little programming(some NA some AA ,some psych's etc...in 1986 i accepted the God of my understanding and moved on continuously.very devout,not religious(was raised until 12 as Roman CATHOLIC,altar boy all that no relationship really turned me off.)anyway as life marched on ,all my baggage intact, although didnt use any mind altering substances but renewed my gambling that was as bad as my addiction,adulterous in my mind and just not what i was trying to be..i was complacent and felt something missing.in feb 2008 i ended up back in the "rooms" wondering what in the heck im doin back here.my son was in jail for miriad of things basically died couple times from heroin overdoes(now 23 years old,been clean about 22 months,) anyway.after sitting around about 4 months it started clicking again.i got a sponsor, I still make coffee,share to the best of my ability and have felt my life really taking off again.i do service wherei can and try to relay the message of hope..i at times feel isolated from group as a lot of old timers have 16-20 years "in program' although i 'll have 25 years this december CLEAN  i feel like i only have been working 'recovery " since i came back.its weird but i believe its where  the God of my understanding has brought me..i am also almost 62 years and  like most of us feel blessed just to be alive..i know you know all the routines and what you need to do from reading  your posts but just wanted to let you know that seems like we go in and out of our heads but guess we got to remember where we were and where we are now.  are we complacent?,working  the process? staying clean of "drugs' but character defects deluxe!!! anyway was good hearin from you ,talk to you on the rebound..peace and serenity to you and "your mind"!!!mikef

__________________

Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery. 
lanem


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 17
Date:
Permalink  

All I can say is what I would tell a sponsee who came to me with similar issues. I would say to that sponsee: "forget 'bigger service' mate, you might not be up to it at present. The heart and soul of the fellowship is meetings. You start with a firm foundation. If the foundation is not solid, the structure wil not be solid. We cannot drop into NA and expect people to acknowledge and respect our clean time. We have to build credibility by our presence. Then we can do bigger service. Turn up. Share honestly. Get back to the roots. Read the basic Text...know what it says. Rebuild the foundation".

__________________

MICHAEL L.   bRIsbAnE aUstRAliA
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> Here Goes Nuthin...
Tweet this page Post to Digg Post to Del.icio.us