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NA Message Board -> Narcotics Anonymous Message Board -> How to Stop and Listen
Post Info TOPIC: How to Stop and Listen
mgmerlino


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How to Stop and Listen
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Edit Post | Quote | ReplyHow to Stop and Listen




I have almost 90days clean and sober and I have a big problem.  I seem not to be okay with truly listening to what someone has to say.  I am a head strong New Yorker, which is self-explanatory in itself.  I hear what someone says and if it is important to my recovery.  Most of the time I can retain someone.  But, when it comes to conversation on everyday issues  i.e, my health or a change in the sober living I reside in.  I am horrible.



For example, Sunday night I got into it with one of my best friends.  She was trying to tell me something about a change in the house we live in.  I knew what she was saying, but she kept saying I need to listen.  At which time I chose to yell and scream.  What made the situation worse was the fact my old man was there for our meeting and then we did Christmas presents.  Of course, he had to see the side of me that he had never seen.



I hear what people are saying, but I seem not to understand.  That having a yelling match is not okay.  I have this problem calling folks outside of their name...ie... bitch, asshole, etc.  I really dont mean it as something bad.  But, people just take it that way.  What on earth am I to do?  I want to learn the true art of listen and responding in a calm and easy going manner.  Any, advise?

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BigV


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Hi Melissa



This sounds like an unmanageability issue.

Maybe a compulsive reaction you have to difficult, stressful and frustrating situations in daily life.

There may be a wall up, try gently letting that wall down and see whats on the other side might be hiding something there? maybe why your blocking out what others are saying.

I'm no doctor I just try and relate how others experience things the way I do but we're all different yet we're all also pretty much the same

We all ALL also have that little ugly side, so does your boyfriend maybe he hasn't shown it but he's got it too something we have to learn to accept about one another . In accepting ourselves we learn to accept others , sound right? trust me i'm working on this also in a new relationship with someone and these things are coming up.

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Tahir


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((((((((((NA Hugs))))))))))


Congrats on 90 big miracles. Way to go.


I was very vulgar, arrogant and angry person when I got clean. Even my shares in the meetings wouldn't be without a swear word or calling names in every line I spoke. But I did not feel so bad about it. My only focus was to stay clean, make the meetings and work the steps with my Sponsor. As long as I was doing that, my personality and my attitude was slowly going thru a transformation. When I had reached my fourth and then my fifth step, after the journey of the first three steps, I suddenly realized that these words did not exist anymore in my vocabulary, and that it's been days and weeks and, sometimes, months since I would have had a temper tantrum or a conflict with someone. I started dealing with people and situations through the eyes of these steps that I had started living in my daily recovery, and hence, I started seeing everything in a new and different way... nothing changed... my father was still shouting at me, my mom was still suspecting and accusing me of having used... my brother was still the same rude and sarcastic way with me... But I stopped seeing them that way... I started seeing beyond all that I did not like in them... and I found the beauty in these people... And my way of dealing with them changed as a result...


Also, I had to accept myself as I was first, by acknowledging, owning and embracing all my defects of character, admitting that this is what I am, and that my Higher Power loves me as I am right now, unconditionally. I stopped fighting to be what I should be or what I must be... Instead, I accepted what I am... and only after this self-acceptance was any change possible for me, where I started doing something about that part of me that was disadvantageous to me and caused great pain in my life with the help of Sixth and Seventh.


Today, I still act out on my defects, sometimes, indulge in terrible conflicts with my wife, or with other members in the fellowship, but I still have the Tenth Step to introspect and admit my part of wrong, and to do my Eigth and Ninth steps, to resolve the turmoil within, and to change from those mistakes...


Another thing about these defects that I have learned is that my Higher Power does not rid me of them or rather I don't become entirely ready for them to be removed until I have learned what my Higher Power needed me to, and picked up what I need to, from acting out on these defects. When I'm beaten, I become willing, and when I become willing, my Higher Power heals and transforms me into practicing the corresponding virtue in similar situations again...



-- Edited by Tahir at 13:49, 2006-12-29

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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting." Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
mgmerlino


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Thanks to all that replied to this post so far.  Tahir, thank you.  I see a little clearer now.  i would say I have to accept everything and everyone as is at the present moment.  And, gradually work on me.  Thanks for that.  I will do just that.  And, I need to find out what my defects are and work thru.  Thanks so much.....(((Big NA Hugs))) back at you.


I am reworking my first step so I can go deeper my sponsor said I didnt go deep enough.  So, this time I have my dictionary and literature on hand.  It already feels different just thinking about approaching it this way.  Wish me luck as I dive a little deeper.  Love you all.  Have a great week-end



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we can


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Congrats on 90 days!


First things first dont be so hard on yourself, the fact that you are doing step work at 90 days is amazing. I'm going to a 3 year medalion tomorow and the women hasent even started the steps, I dont recomend this she is still very angry and hurting. The steps are the answer to your problem but remember we didnt become addicted in one day so... Give yourself credit for staying clean the rest will come.



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SANDRA together WE CAN recover
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