i refuse to let my addiction win, ya wanna do battle, on gaurd!!!!!!
i'm 35 days clean today
guess what i did yesterday...
threw out the last 2 pieces of paraphenelia i had hidden in a bag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i forgot they were there...i've come across them a couple of times now but have kept them...
i've had them for 34 days.
i got mad the other day, put them in the garbage in my room at the house, and believe it or not i totally forgot i'd put them in there
all of a sudden it popped into my mind that that garbage bag was still in my room.
Then yesterday i said enough is enough and out it went.
i want to live, not go back to the hell i'm desparately crawling out of.
i got a call from my youngest daughter last night. She lives 45 min from me. She had her xmas concert at school last night. Her Dad didn't go...she had no one in the audience for her, i feel bad for that. She says she didn't want her dad there anyway...Her class sang my favorite song, Grandma got runover by a raindeer...:)
She told me that her dad had gone to his work christmas party and planned to go to the bar afterwards...then was taking the bus home...would love to see that....oh yeah, oops i forgot, God Bless Kevin....;)
anyways, she apparently was snooping around and found a letter i had sent her from 2004...he never gave it to her. (Wondering why he kept it though...) I had put a feather in there and told her if and when she feels overwhelmed, sad, mad or confused to sweep her face and heart with it. And also i braided some red leather and told her to tie it on her wrist as armor again negativety etc.
She jusgot these last night. I could be mad and wallow in a resentment but he's a pretty sick guy and doesn't have a program tha'ts teaching him how to live, mind you, thats my opinion;)
i'm just happy she got the letter etc and that she called me.
So, still searching for an apartment
i did consider sharing but honestly i don't want to risk using the excuse that someone elses relapse caused my own. I'd rather be safe then sorry.
I'm looking at one 2night at 7 pm, i'm excited about, no worries i think i learned my lesson about expecting too much, i think i was right somewhat in being disappointed though, i am still human. This one is still in my price range and backs on to a park in a valley, cross ur fingers, toes, arms and legs...lol...no really that because for sociall services the deadline for a move change is up in 5 days and to be honest this whole thing is really wearing on my nerves
i did put the situation in my God box this morning...yes i still have to do the footwork.
its also my oldest daughters 18th birthday on sunday and it hurts my heart that i won't be with her. I do believe i will see her for xmas though so i can handle that.:)
i start a tentative job tomorrow morning, 3 observational shifts then i meet with the big wig gal on the 3rd and she says if all goes well i will start as a casual after the new year. i think i can handle that, if not i'll go from there. I do hope though that it goes ok, trying to stay grounded here as well.
recovery is the hardest thing i've ever done in my life, but i feel i'm on the right path, as scary as it is.Action.
Thank you so much for sharing your pain and joy and everything in between with us.
So great to hear that you have 35 days clean & serene now. Congratulations. You are truly a miracle.
You seem to be a very strong person, so full of faith and hope. Very inspiring.
Glad we have you here with us at MIP.
Keep sharing your experience, strength and hope with us.
I will have you and your loved ones in my prayers now before I go to sleep.
Blessings and Peace ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
while you were writing this i was writing to jenny saying how much i admire and respect both of you...your strength and determanation , even with all the shit life throws at you! you are a continual inspiration to me..
it took me a while to get rid of ALL of my paraphenelia too....lol...i was holding on to it like a security blanket i guess. something old and familiar to hang on to. but i got to the point where i realized that keeping them was only tempting fate. and it only takes one slip to end up in the hell that i DON"T want to go back to.
i'm glad your daughter got your letter with the feather finally, i know you wanted her to have it 2 years ago , but maybe today she can appeciate it more then she would of then.
i want to wish you good luck for this new job , i hope it is all that you want it to be and that they will love you as much as we do ...until next time , take care of yourself and wishing you another 24...huge warm hugs ....peggy
Hey Wendy, someone from my homegroup just faced a similar situation, her sponsor said go to everymeeting you can find, tell them what's going on. She did it for 1 week, many in the NA fellowship here in Eugene jumped on it, helped her, and she got a place. She came with her 2 kids last sunday and the keys and shared the outcome to all who had heard her story. And then guess what, a bunch of fellow addicts, went right after that meeting and helped her move all her stuff. That is the miracle of fellowship.
Love to you in recovery, Jen
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We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience
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and it only takes one slip to end up in the hell that i DON"T want to go back to.
