I am an addict and as a result of my choices and my addiction, I lost custody of my children.They live with their dad and his wife now out of state.I know I was an irresponsible mom and that is difficult to accept that I failed to be a parent to my children. They are so innocent and the guilt eats me alive. I got an attorney to get visitation. we also plan to try to get some custody back. Its difficult to admit that another woman can parent my children better than me. I find myself focusing on all the negative things about their dad and his wife.And I begin thinking about things that may be going on with my children. I don't know these things for sure. I am just basing them on past expeiriances. For some reason I still think my children would be happier with me. Yet than again all the things I disagree with the way they parent oppose to the way I parent I really dont know if they are something to be concerned about or not.I am constantly fighting with myself back and forth between guilt, resentment, maybe even shame.I think maybe getting visitation with my children may make things worse because they will drill the children about our visits. I dont want to make their life more difficult. The dad is critical of me and my addiction. Understandable. He has had problems with his addiction also. However he is not admitting to it. I am lost confused. Sick of dealing with this in my head every day. I talk to people about it, I pray to god and ask him to help me. It is affecting how live my daily life. I have a daughter I live with now, and part of me feelsl like my life is on hold. Since I was fourteen years old its been about my babies. I am lost now.When I do things for myself I feel selfish. I am punishing myself. I am regretful. If anyone has read this, Thankyou and I need feedback.
Your in a tough situation Sheree so i'm just going to share with you what the " Just for today" message was maybe it will help . Welcome to the board please keep sharing with us we're here for you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
December 14
Addiction, Drugs, And Recovery
"Addiction is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives."
Basic Text pg. 20
Before we started using, most of us had a stereotype, a mental image of what addicts were supposed to look like. Some of us pictured a junkie robbing convenience markets for drug money. Others imagined a paranoid recluse peering at life from behind perpetually drawn drapes and locked doors. As long as we didn't fit any of the stereotypes, we thought, we couldn't be addicts.
As our using progressed, we discarded those misconceptions about addiction, only to come up with another: the idea that addiction was about drugs. We may have thought addiction meant a physical habit, believing any drug that didn't produce physical habituation was not "addictive." Or we thought the drugs we took were causing all our problems. We thought that merely getting rid of the drugs would restore sanity to our lives.
One of the most important lessons we learn in Narcotics Anonymous is that addiction is much more than the drugs we used. Addiction is a part of us; it's an illness that involves every area of our lives, with or without drugs. We can see its effects on our thoughts, our feelings, and our behavior, even after we stop using. Because of this, we need a solution that works to repair every area of our lives: the Twelve Steps.
Just for today: Addiction is not a simple disease, but it has a simple solution. Today, I will live in that solution: the Twelve Steps of recovery.
Okay, thank you for giving me some feedback on this matter. But there is a reason why you chose this page to put on here.What did you see in what I wrote. Blunt is my language. Thankyou for your support.
The first thing that relieved me when I got clean was when my Sponsor told me that I did not do all those disgusting and shameful things while using because I was an evil or sinful person. I did all that because I suffered from the disease of addiction which affects me not only physically, but also emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually. Addiction made me into something that I would not want to become otherwise. When I worked my Steps with my Sponsor, I liberated myself from these feelings of guilt and shame. I stopped being a prisoner of my own mind, condemned by my own guilt. I was free to live and be what I truly want to be, not what my disease made me in my past.
Self-flagellation is not a good idea. The NA program does not suggest that we dwell in our wrongs and mistakes. In fact, the program releases us from all that, to breath afresh, free from our addictive trap ~ The Triangle of self-obsession.
Sometimes, it's very hard for me to not worry about my loved ones and everything that might go wrong in their lives (according to my fears and thinking)... My dad who is down with cancer, my sponsees who have relapsed, my relationship with my wife... my teenage sister who wants more and more freedom...
But the program has taught me that I'm powerless over them. That I cannot change the way they think, feel or act. That I cannot protect them from their illnesses and their vulnerable side. I am not supposed to. Worrying about them all the time does not in any way gonna change anything in their lives. Instead, I live my life, day after day, in misery, caught in those never-ending thoughts, hundreds of them, running all at once, on and on, in my head... my life as a result becomes unmanageable.
I must open my mind to believe that there is a loving, caring and compassionate Higher Power, a Power greater than me and my worries and my fears, and this Higher Power takes care of all these loved ones of mine, just like I'm taken care of. I am not that Higher Power.
Trusting this loving Higher Power and surrendering to It brings me peace. I realize that once I have come to believe in a Power greater than me and surrendered to this Power, I have nothing to worry or fear. I get a permission to not invite or entertain obsessive thoughts within me, or to compulsively act out on them.
All I can change is myself. And as long as I keep doing that, I find that many situations and people around me change too, without my trying to do anything towards it. That is how I witness the miracle of the program when I apply it in my daily life and allow my Higher Power to do for me what I cannot do for myself.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I wonder if I breached some boundary and expressed something that might have hurt or offended you. Please forgive me if that is so...
-- Edited by Tahir at 12:16, 2006-12-18
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I know what it is like to have someone else to reise your kids my mom has has mine for the most of his life I thinkI could do a better job but my stability is just as important has his
hard fact but I know he is loved and fed and clothed and I do not know if he will resent me when he gets older for not bieng the mom he wanted me to be but the truth of the matter isI cannot afford to look back can't worry bout tommorrow and can never forget where I cam e from
no you haven't offended me. I really appreciate your feedback on this. I have learned the only way I am going to change is to be open minded and not defensive of my old behavior or current behaviors.I hope you all had a merrry christmas.
Thanks Sheree, sometimes I get into that paranoid trip where I cannot help thinking that I might have said or done something wrong and that is why the world is behaving the way it is
So I was really relieved to read your reply.
And thanks for the Christmas wishes. Happy Holidays to you too.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I, too, have lost custody of my child. He--soon to be 11--was 2 at the time. I feel your pain. What's important for me to remember is that I am still a Mommy, and that I have to build a life that I can be proud of when he comes to find me. If/when I make something out of myself and he sees me he'll likely think, "She made a horrible mistake when I was young, but that doesn't define who she is. She is a good person now, worthy of being loved."
Although it has happened nearly a decade ago, the pain is still so fresh that sometimes I do not want to live. But suicide is such a selfish gesture, and I owe my son (and my father) more than that. I wouldn't want them to blame themselves or have a bunch of unanswered questions. I think the pain is so fresh because i had been escaping reality via drugs for so long that I'm only relatively recently learning to cope with the full brunt of the devastation.
I take comfort in knowing that he's being well provided for and that his foster/now adoptive parents will not poision his mind against me.
Lisa Mae, welcome back to MIP and thank you so much for sharing with us.
Peace, Love & Hope ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thankyou for your honesty. I too have wanted to just die because of this. It seems like if I just didn't have kids I would be able to get through the wreckage of my past easier. when I was thirteen everyone told me not to have a baby because it's hard work. I just lost my dad and wanted to have something that loved me. than I turned nineteen and divorced their dad and that is when I found out I was an addict. It is sad for them because they had a good mom that loved them undconditionally until then. Then they lost her. This is so painful to deal with. And yes I have thoughts of just ending this life I live, but I am so hungry to find my purpose in life before I go. god doesn't create junk so if anything I am here to help save the life of another alcoholic.
I'd like to share some lyrics with you: 'She Talks to Angels." I feel it's the story of my life for most of the last 9 years since I've lost custody of my son. Maybe it'll help you feel less alone.
She never mentions the word addiction In certain company Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan After you meet her family
She paints her eyes as black as night, now Pulls those shades down tight Yeah, she gives a smile when the pain comes, The pain's gonna make everything alright
Says she talks to angels, They call her out by her name Oh yeah, she talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name
She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket She wears a cross around her neck Yes, the hair is from a little boy And the cross is someone she has not met, not yet
Says she talks to angels, Says they all know her name Oh yeah, she talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name
She don't know no lover, None that I ever seen Yeah, to her that ain't nothing But to me, yeah me, It means everything
She paints her eyes as black as night now She pulls those shades down tight Oh yeah, there's a smile when the pain comes, The pain's gonna make everything alright, alright yeah
She talks to angels, Says they call her out by her name Oh yeah-eah-eah, angels Call her out by her name Oh-ooh-oh-oh angels They call her out by her name Oh-oh, she talks to angels They call her out Yeah-eah-eah, they call her out Don't you know that they call her out by her name?
