Tired of everything being such a fight. I so wish i didnt have to fight the urge to use today. I wish i could go back in time. I spent alot of my life wishing that my past would change into a better one. I wish i was the kind of person that could just get up and go, especially when things dont go my way. I often fail at things i do and i cant understand it. I do know the only thing to do is try again. I dont do it because i fear failure now. I am 34 years old and havent started life. Spend alot of my life taking care of everyone else. I dont even knwo who i am. Clueless on the things i like to do. I cant believe i did that to myself. I fight today in a big way because i get paid today and i dont want to go to the bank to cash my check i dont want money in my hands. Not that i have any to spend on using anyway that hasnt stopped me before. Ive become some one i never wanted to be. I always hated my parents drinking and now im an addict. That is ironic to say the least and i think it sucks! I now understand only from the last few hours when you say a moment at a time. Ugh what a long day this will be. I pray my dealer doesnt call me. I pray im strong enough to not pick up that phone. Its 11am and i am still clean! I have 25 days clean i found out yesturday its more than what i thought. I thought i had two weeks. Come this far i dont want to blow it today. I hope i dont. The guilt of that would be painful to. I hold on to the fact that i am NOT MY PARENTs! NOR DO I WANT TO BECOME THEM. I NEVER ever considered myself an addict. Until i went nuts calling dealer over and over and she wasnt available last month i dont think i wanted to see it. Cause that just meant more work, more things to fight at, and worst of all something more i can fail at!!!! I will pass this day. I will. thanks for listening
Trish you can do it you must outthink your addiction and don't do what it dictates to you do what this program teachs.
YOU girl have ALOT of good qualitys your not looking at that ,you like helping people thats and excellent quality you just have to use it in the right way.
You have a good sense of find out just who you are you are introspective, your examing yourself and being honest about it thats a good step in the right direction it means you are going to be making some changes.
ALot of us could not stand ourselves , we hated who we had become because it's not who we are so we have to get back to who we really are and accept thefact we made mistakes and became something else for awhile, we no longer have to be that person we hated, OK? it's time to change all that.
And quit being so hard on yourself , gimme the job your new job is loving yourself, giving yourself pats on the back when you do well, taking care of you like a sick child, careing, loving, nurturing, that is your job from now on OK?
Don't play games, get that check cash it and put the money in the bank , give yourself just enough to buy what you need to buy and thats it. dont answer the phgone or the door if the dealer comes by , tell them not today thanks if you run into them, do something different and empower yourself.
Stop living in the past its to painful, live in today this is what you have thats real yesterday is gone, like a dream nothing can change those days you can only change today, right now this moment its what we all do, time to be a follower but a follower of good this is how this works doing what others are doing for the betterment of all.
It's all good honey your going to be fine, don't let fear own you, stand up tall and be a good woman to yourself and good things will come your way in the future.
Trisha, sorry I could not respond to your post any earlier than this. Hope and pray your Higher Power gives you the strength you need one day at a time.
In context with what you were sharing, I have experienced that the solution for any of my problems is possible only after I have admitted and accepted my problem for what it is, not before that. My difficulty, as an addict, is always when I try to deny the truth of my problem, and to try to wish it was different, and to try even harder to project that it is not what it is. The problem itself is never so severe and scary as my reaction to the problem. And once, I admit and accept myself, with all my defects and shortcomings, I realize that I'm able to stop dwelling in the problem from that moment on, and am able to work towards the solution instead. And that is a great relief, that permission I get to move on, instead of dwelling in what could or should have been. I can face what is, and believe me, it is not as difficult as trying to hold on to a unrealistic hope for a better past.
Today, I have many problems in my recovery, I can of couse sit and dwell on how it would have been if I did not have these problems in my life, but that doesn't make an inch of a difference in my recovery today. Not advantageous at all.
Pain can be mandatory, it is so for all, addict or no addict, but misery is definitely optional. I have always found great wisdom at the root of my pain. With self-acceptance and hope, along with my Higher Power, the 12 steps and all of you, I can definitely live in the solution, just for today.
It's not where we were that counts, but where we are going...
-- Edited by Tahir at 08:16, 2006-12-13
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
it's time to change all that.
