what ever ya do, don't do like i do....and think you're all CURED...frick...only ham is cured...
i slipped for a whole week. I keep telling myself I WANT to be alone, thats that freakin' devil on my shoulder talkin' in my ear...no...i NEED people in my life that aren't in active addiction.
i ended up in the dreaded city i just moved from. Same shit, different pile. I used to say....its one big run-on sentence.Still is, and i still can't handle it.Gee Wendy, ya think you're powerless??
no doubt, no doubt today anyway. Of course i took people down with me, hurt them AGAIN. I've lived in guilt and shame for sooooo long.
Quit my job, as suggested by my boyfriend. It was in a bar, he saw the trigger that it was before i admitted how much of a trigger i knew it to be, but thought i could fool myself along with everyone else. Not.
I do deserve to live, clean and peaceful. That devil ain't pullin' one over on me today.
So, just to testify, nothings changed out there folks...
Wendy you can stop beating yourself up, but first your going to have to surrender.
4 months clean and that devil still perchs himself on my shoulder whispering in my ear, know how I beat him? I surrender myself to a higher power, I give him my LIFE , MY HEART and MY SOUL I beg my higher power to help me , know why? because i'm hopeless left to my own doings.
Higher Power, what the hell is that you may ask, well to me it's this program, its these people here, its principles and steps, it's the work we do to gain inner strength and power against that devil...he wants us ALL DEAD, it's the meetings and the people there who show up to stay alive to make life LIFE .
You dont have to let him kill you you don't have to be a fugitive and a prisoner and you don't have to end up killing yourself over all of this you can "get better".
You do deserve better but you have to earn it, have you had enough yet? this can be a damn good life, you can have serenity and peace or be a ship tossed around on the waves it's your choice, have you had all you can take yet if so join us here, join us out there in the real world, but join before he takes you, baby you do deserve better now take it!
I'm here to tell you YOU can make it thru, you can do what we're doing you just have to BELIEVE......we love you sister.
wow, as i'm reading replies, and thankyou by the way, i was listening to celine dion's because you love me.
how my HP works.:)
the principle of step 1......surrender
the principle of step 2....trust
somewhere during my 1st treatment stay i found my HP, i choose to call Howard. I never really had a problem with steps 2 and 3. But apparently...selfwill run riot, i forget that i surrendered.
ya know sometimes i sit back and get out of my own head, i call it "the hood"...dangerous place to be alone..
ya know, step outside the box?....yup
i am such a lucky girl!!! Each time i try to clean up Howard shows me just how lucky, not that luck has much to do with it....shall I instead then say...worthy, precious...How much i have to live for.
My selfish tendencies, called addiction, take over.
My sister called me up one day and said..."Wendy, i've been thinkin' bout you...you are in control....."well, i kinda put my guard up instantly...but after we hung up, i thought about it..she's right. When i'm using, i'm in control of others feelings. I could go on about this and analyze it to death....instead i choose to give up my control. I'm all Howards today.
Having Faith is truly believing from my heart that He will show me the way. Thats trust....step 2 and 3 go hand in hand. Right now i'm surrendering a couple dozen times a day.
Trying to accept the wreckage of my past, my actions...the pain i've caused. Hard to swallow.
in the midst of all this...our car broke down today. No bus service at night in my little city. So i'm trying to decide what to do about meetings. Its gotten quite a bit colder here so walking is a little iffy. I know...what length will i go to stay clean. As far as a sponsor goes...honestly i have yet to see a woman with substantial clean time, not to mention the fact that honestly 99% of the members are males. I just ain't goin there!! We only have 2 NA meetings a week here...mon and tue....the rest of the week its AA. Honestly i went to both NA this week and i keep running into people i don't want to run into. Either i have used with them or i'm scared i might. I keep telling myself i NEED NA, i am a drug addict. It just simply hits home more when i'm at an NA compared to an AA meeting,
Couldn't sleep last night, read some basic text. Quit my job, as it was in a bar. Had a job interview yesterday, but i'm sure the guy that interviewed me was mentally challenged...
Howard knows my path, just gotta be watchful for the signs.
My honey came home for lunch today and told me that there was a big bust in our city yesterday. Well, like i said it's a small city. I was with this guy last week....i could be in jail right now...thank Howard I'm not.
I do BELIEVE i'm meant for a better life than the one i've been trying to fit into...a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.
great big thankyou's for being here, for your responses, they mean alot to me.
wantneeda wrote: I do deserve to live, clean and peaceful.
You sure do, Wendy. Welcome back. Glad you made it back. Keep coming back. You deserve it.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
