Ok, I have been struggling with this for a minute and have decided to post here and try to get some suggestions, clarity, and insight.
I have been living in the area where I am for almost 6 months now. When I moved here, straight out of detox, I immediately started going to the NA meetings. I was searching for a sponsor from the time I went to the first meeting here. What I have found is that there are VERY few women here, and even fewer with recovery. I was not and am not, seeking someone with clean time who has worked some steps and either 1. is not applying the principles, or 2. knows everything now. This has been a struggle. But. . . I did find a sponsor, one with whom I can relate to at least in that we are both addicts . . . not much else except children. That's okay though. She asked that I call here everyday and that worked until I moved into a recovery house and could not even access the phone. I would get a call in every other day and would see her at the meetings otherwise. We talked about this and it was a problem. I also shared with her my aversion to using a phone anyway. Of course, her first response was we did whatever to call our dopeman. Well, you know what, we are all different and I am one that did not do it that way. She cannot accept this as she is adamant that yes, I did do whatever to call and that she is positive that I called everyday until I got what I wanted. So yes, this is still a major problem for our sponsor/sponsee relationship. Then, she is offended that I have found it ok to discuss things with a couple of the males in the program. She was upset because one of the men asked me about a job and I told him I had gotten it before I told her about it. She proceeded to tell me that I was doing exactly what we did in our active addiction and that is using males with the ultimate goal of sex or something from them. Well, once again, this is not my history. But again, she is adamant that this is what I am doing because this was her experience and she is sure it was mine too. Through all of this, I have continued in my step work, telling myself that she is there to guide me through the steps, not call me on my every action assuming that it is the same as hers. To be honest, she doesn't even know my story and very few people do (none where I live presently). My sponsor and I have just not built that relationship yet to where I am ready to share with her to that extent. So now, the dilemma, last week I moved out of the recovery house where I had been staying because one of the residents (yes, I had talked with the director and the resident). This particulate person was choosing to drink at the house and then proceeded to get sloshed after work one day and the directory and 2 of us went to pick her up. The directory and other board members felt that it was in the best interest of this person to keep her in the house to sober up, then discuss what needed to be done after that. The good thing, according to all of them, is that she did not use! I said, what do you mean she did not use? They said she did not use crack and that was a wonderful thing that she had not chosen to go back out and use. Well, I was completely confused. Understand, I only have my experience to compare to, and I was in a recovery program last year (where I should have stayed!) and this behavior would never have been tolerated, let alone 3 offenses. The other residents in the house told me about the previous incidents and how things had been handled. Well, I got scared . .. yes, scared, that it was going to effect my recovery and for now, I do not want to go back out and I do not want to allow myself to get caught up in this way of thinking, that for me, will be an excuse to go back out if the obsession jumps in. So, I chose to leave. I slept in my car that night and picked up my things that weekend. I called a couple of my friends and they talked me through the night because I was not, under any circumstances, going to go back to using. Long story short, I tried to get into a recovery program (no place to live now), ended up in the state mental hospital for a night, but can't get into a recovery program because I have almost 6 months (11-15) clean and don't need it! Yeah, right. Sorry, but I need to be surrounded by people who are clean and who are working a program. Problem . . . I have not spoken with my sponsor about any of this. I have not even talked with her since the night before I chose to leave the house. I left her a message the night I left as I did not get her. Anyway, I know that this is going to be a huge deal to her and she may choose to let me go. Will this hurt my feelings, yes. I'm sure I can convince myself I am a failure and that had I done things her way, I would not have failed. Well, yes I have really messed up some things, but I am STILL CLEAN and still not willing to go back out there. I know there is a great amount of experience, strength, and hope among members here and this is what I need. Please offer some suggestions. And no, I'm not trying to find excuses, I just want to look at my part from every angle I can and not just through my distorted thinking right now. Is it time to seek a different sponsor? Do I wait until after I get the courage to talk with her? Right now, I'm just not feeling it. I haven't talked with anyone in a few days, not around here anyway. I haven't been to a physical meeting in a few days which is extremely unusual for me, thank goodness for the online groups!
Thanks for listening . . . as always, it's the experience, strength, and hope that the people working a progam of recovery offer that makes the difference for me.
Hi Echobar, I am sorry you are having such a hard time with your sponsor. My sponsor is an important part of my recovery, and he respects me enough to let me do my own thing. Sponsorship in my opinion is not about control, it is about sharing experience, strength and hope. My story and my sponsors story are not identical, nor are our motivations for what we do now or did then. The prime question I have, is does she have something that you want...is recovery like she has what you are seeking? If not, I would be seeking a different sponsor. You shared in the chatroom the other night that there are few women in your area with clean time. Regional meetings, conventions, out of town functions are all places to seek a sponsor with what you are seeking. Face to face meeting with a sponsor is important to my recovery, but I do and have sponsored addicts who are a distance away from me, if they could not find a local sponsor. It is not ideal, but it is better than no sponsor, or asking someone to sponsor you that does not offer what you want to find.
I would suggest being aware that a sponsors function is not to make us happy, but to tell us the truth, as they see it. I heard early in recovery that addiction is a disease of perception...it effects how we see ourselves, and that affects how we see the whole world. My sponsor is my reality check...when I am not sure that how I see the world matches with how I am seeing it I ask him. I also ask other addicts in recovery. If most of the addicts I talk to do not see things as I do, perhaps I need to examine how I am seeing things.
There is no shame in seeking another sponsor...the shame is in losing recovery because we are afraid to move on when we need to do so.
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
i can't give you any feedback because i don't have a sponser or been in the program very long. i know nothing at this point. but i can give you support and share my faith with you that you will find the answers you're looking for. it's great hearing how determanded you are to do what ever it takes to stay clean. that's all we can do , our best. just for today. one day at a time.
i just wanted to say hi and to let you know i'm lessening...huges peggy.
I can offer my experance with sponcers I am close to 18 months clean and on my 3rd sponsor. The first one I had was using and lying to me , I didnt know any better because I was new. The next one was great at helping me with the step work but we never realy became friends. The one I have now is my rock in recovery, she never tells me what to do even when I wish she would.She is my guide through the 12 steps and my friend, not my mother or my judge and jury. I dont get shund for not doing what she suggests she just walks me through the process of trying a new way of life, the way I want my life to be not what she thinks it should be. One thing you must remember is that a sponsor is just another recovering addict, there not perfict. It was important for me to tell my sponsor what I needed in MY recovery.I spent most of my life being hard on myself I dont need a sponsor to make me feel bad, but to love me untill I can love myself no matter what. I would suggest to you and anyone else that asks me to talk to your sponsor and be honest with her about how you are feeling it's the only way to see if it can work. It does work 2 ways you need to both express your expectations of each other to make it work. You sound very determined, I say keep that determination and you will be fine and get what you need.
((((((((((Echobar)))))))))), Thank you so much for sharing.
If I were you, I would express all this that you shared here, with my Sponsor himself/herself, see how my Sponsor feels about it, and take it from there. Many times, with my current Sponsor, we both have had misunderstandings and even feelings that one is avoiding another for some reason or another. But only thru addressing these concerns openly with each other did we come to know the reality of where we stand in the sponsorship.
Moreover, today, I realize that my Sponsor is also human and an addict, just like me, tring to recover one day at a time, and being so, sometimes does end up hurting me, intentionally or unintentionally. That is inevitable. But it is for me to assess and decide whether I'm able to deal with the relationship or do I have to move on, and get another Sponsor. But I don't do that before I have tried to communicate and express where I stand and what I feel with my current Sponsor. Whatever transpires then, gives me the direction towards making a decision...
The most important thing that I emphasize again and again, even to my Sponsees is that they be honest, and express freely about what they think or feel about the sponsorship, and that it is equally important to disagree with me when they feel so, and not just follow blindly whatever I pass on by sharing my experience, strength and hope. Conflicts and disagreements in any relationship, I believe, indicate that the relationship is a healthy and honest one...
Hope this helps. All the best in all your recovery endeavors, Echobar. So glad to hear from you again. Please keep sharing with us.
Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
hugs peggy
