Thanks for sharing with us, Mike. I can relate a lot with that problem. I wish I could share my experience with you now, but I gotta go now. but hang on, I will definitely share with you as soon as I can, maybe that helps for you...

Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.

Hi Mike,

Hope sharing my experience with psychiatric medication contributes in your making an informed decision in context of your doubts in this issue...

When I started reaching out for help for my drug problem and was in and out of my rehab over a year many times, being on and off using, I realized that I had certain serious long-standing problems that hampered my staying clean like depression, sometimes so chronic and disabling that it was unbearable, suicidal ideation resulting in a tendency to self-injure every now and then... these melancholy was punctuated by short, elated periods where I was suddenly so full of energy and enthusiasm, the world seemed so beautiful and everyone seemed very interesting to talk with... to such an extent that sometimes, I would go overboard and act crazy and weird, both at home and in public and would get shocked at my own behavior, at the end of which I would again slide back into my melancholic state again...

I also had, and still have, to some extent, social anxiety and occasional panic attacks. I was not even able to look people in the eyes, stay in my living room with other people, be it my parents or some guest... I would just lock myself in my room, for hours and sometimes, even days... I just cannot be in a crowd (and by a crowd I also mean any group of more than two people)... I would continue to skip functions, get togethers, parties, still do sometimes... many of these symptoms infact existed in me from my adolescence, and some from my early childhood, even before I started using...

My psychiatrist, after several examinations, diagnosed me for Bipolar Disorder and Social Phobia, based on my symptoms. He put me on medication, and for sometime, it did help me a lot... not necessarily curing my problems, but stabilizing my chemical balance in such a way that I did not oscillate between the two extremes of mania and depression, and the anti-anxiety pills also made me numb to the intensity of my anxiety and panic. This did help me stay clean and not end up using due to my episodic disorders like it so often happened, but only for a few days and weeks and months... and moreover, when I be disoriented with recovery and my priority to stay clean was on a low, I would tend to abuse these psyche pills sometimes, thinking that if one of these pills drives me out of my miserable state, then 2 or 4 of them would keep me happy and euphoric. I have abused these pills to such an extent where I started using them intra-veinous as the oral way lost it's effect. Being an addict, I could not get myself to have control over the admininstration of the meds as directed many times. And the increased tolerance of my addictive body always demanded more of them to have the same effect... there came a point where the maximum dosage that can be given to me proved ineffective, and my depression became med-resistant. So my doctor, therapist and the psychiatrist were seriously contemplating ECT (electro convulsive therapy ~ a kind of a shock treatment) as a last resort.

That is when I have had enough. After my last relapse, I decided that I'm not gonna take them, and my new substance abuse counselor too suggested that I stop all meds, that she wanted to see what happens when I'm clean and off meds forawhile, to see how I fair in such a scenario. She told me that some of my psychiatric symptoms and disorders might have existed apart from my addiction problem, but some as a result of my addiction too, where due to abusing drugs excessively, my drug addiction mimics these symptoms for awhile after I have stopped using (maybe for a few months and sometimes even for more than a year of having stopped using)...

My first three months of cleantime this time, without these meds was a horrible period. My insanity still continued to threaten my recovery... many times, when I was walking down to a meeting, I felt weird things happening in my body, got scared and ran back to my house, cried and cried, thinking that I must get back to medication, that popping those pills would set me free... the frustration arising out of the fact that if I was only not an addict, I wouldn't get carried away with those pills...

This was the time when I took a Sponsor and started working the steps... As a result, there was enormous relief, mentally and emotionally... for the first time, I was able to accept my depression as a feeling, and not worry too much about it. I just let it come, be and leave as it pleased... I was able to reach out and get involved with NA life like meetings, fellowshipping, reading literature, spending time with my sponsor, working my steps, getting involved in my homegroup service, inspite of my depression, my cutting sprees (self-injury) and what not...

After 6 months of staying clean, my depression did the disappearing act, and so did my manic episodes. I have not had any of both for over 2 years now. I realized that my Bipolar was a mimic due to excessive substance abuse, and it remitted gradually as I moved more and more away from using... I'm so grateful that I got rid of that problem... And I cannot deny the importance of working the steps and using the spiritual tools to cope with my mental problems and emotional turmoil. The spiritual part of recovery also played a large and influential part.

Today, I still have anxiety problems... last year, when I was asked to share at a convention in the himalayas, as soon as I had begun my share, in two minutes, I sensed an onset of a panic attack, I had to cut short my share, and get back to my chair, sink in it and try out all the techniques of breathing and relaxing to cut the attack short before it could get serious...

But nowadays, it is not so intense, and only mild, and I'm still working on them... gaining more and more freedom from that problem too, without having to take meds as yet. I have a lot of hope that I can conquer this issue too, just like the miraculous vanishing act of my Bipolar if I continue to address these issues with the help of the NA program and also keep trying out alternative therapies available...

But I'm not as disturbed or desperate about these problems... the program has given me enough calmness and acceptance to observe these setbacks as just an opportunity for further improvement and growth...

I hope that it would work the same way for you too, Mike. I have many friends in NA whose case might be different from mine, who find it necessary to take meds due to the crippling effects of their other problems apart from addiction, but I have found that when I am working the program on a daily basis, and am doing the basics of recovery very well, I am able to be more honest and have more clarity not to abuse anything ~ be it prescribed medication or my relationship or my finances or the program of recovery itself...

An informed decision taking into confidence family members, NA friends, doctors and health workers, sponsor and most importantly, checking our our own conscience and motives in the light of the 12 Steps would definitely help. Many times, I have informed my doctor clearly about my addictive pattern, have had a personal say in what I cannot take from his/her prescription as I have abused them before... requesting non-narcotic, non-opiate medication if available, and sometimes, downright rejected medication and opted for talk therapy with my counselor. The talk therapy was far more better and rewarding for me than any medication that I ever took.

All the best, Mike, and hope and pray that the miracle of recovery, not only from addiction, but from all issues in all aspects of your life, becomes a reality... Sorry for rambling for too long... I felt that I have to share with you what I experienced... I cannot keep what I have if I don't pass it on to others who might need it...

Let us know how it is going, my friend.

Hugs, Love, Light ~ Tahir.

would help.

Yes, Tahir

Thank you very much for your information.  Because  I have recently been diagnosed with Biopoloar and ADD, when they used to say I was depressed and manic depressed which is the same to Biopolar.  I cant even begin to say thank you to you all for the wonderful information you have to offer, but I guess thats why God put you hear on earth.  To help be a witness to others.  I believe we are all here to help others grow to God in one form or another.

Guys,

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with me.  I was honest with my wife and told her about my stealing medication from the safe.  It was difficult, but I got to the point where I just couldn't take lying anymore.  I told her about a week ago, and have left everything up to her.  She is making sure there is absolutely no way for me to get to the medication and is cutting back on the amount she gives me each day.

This last week has been extremely difficult, but not unexpected.  I can totally relate to Tahir and the depression, anxiety and social phobias.  I am exactly the same.  Needless to say, this past week, my depression has been horrible, but I am able to recognize it for what it is and just take one day at a time.

Unfortunately, I do have to work, but I am ensuring that I stay within my limits.  It is when I try to do too much at work and at home, that I feel the need to use.  My biggest problem is that when I get home from work, I am dead tired but I feel I need to be there for my kids and wife and I struggle with that.  I just want to go into the bedroom and hide from the world, but the feelings of guilt for not being the father and husband I need to be are overwealming.  So I do the best I can, but without the drugs it is hard sometimes and I really feel like I am letting them down.  So then you really want the drugs, to numb the guilt and thus starts the vicious circle of addiction.  I know I need to just live life on lifes terms and trust in God to help me through.  It is just very tough sometimes.

But thanks everyone for your advice and good thoughts.  I really appreciate it.

Thanks Big V.  I used to run quite a bit and I know I need to get back into the habit.  I totally agree that it really helps.  I just need to get off my _ss and do it.