not feeling so great...those crazy emotions are running me over again. I thought I was all cried out, but I guess I was wrong. I'm waiting for that feeling of being at home in the meetings, of feeling like it was my "safe place", as another person described it, but it's not. Last night, after the meeting, I mentioned to someone that I still felt like all I could think about was how just a couple would make me feel better (I didn't say I was going to act on it) but he was pretty harsh. I can't remember his exact words, but he went on to say his friend went out to use "one more time" and died from it. and I know it's dangerous thinking, I can't help it it is there. it's like I'm on a roller coaster, I may feel ok for a minute and then I'm off to feeling something else. I want to just give up so bad but I can't, something is holding me back, the same thing that brought me here in the first place I guess. I feel I must be doing something wrong, I read the book, I pray, I read everyone's post and listen at the meetings, but I CAN'T escape the pain inside I wish I could just rip it out. Who knows, an hour from now I may feel totally different and back to optimistic and all (that's what maybe keeps me going...knowing this will pass, but when you're in the midst of it it's hard to see through all the hurt)
I know how difficult it is to make it clean every moment of those early days... I had such wild mood swings myself then... also what worked for me was the slogan that I used the other way around... INACTION IS THE MAGIC WORD... The more I got using thoughts and obsession to use... I reinforced myself by saying INACTION IS THE MAGIC WORD... that I don't have to act just because my head says so... that I don't have to go, meet using buddies, or to a pusher or to a using or scoring joint... by doing nothing of these, I did not end up using...
Find a couple of members with whom you are comfortable with... share with them what you are going thru... also be aware that mostly in the early days clean, there is a lot of confusion and dysfunction going on inside our heads... and even if someone tries to help... it might sound as if they are barking at us... ignore those kinds of thoughts and feelings... they are not true... this, too, shall pass... it does get better... be strong and hang on... allow a Power greater than your addiction to ease you out of it and lead you back gently to sanity and recovery... stay in the ebb and flow... Miracles do happen... we are all proof of it... Keep the faith...
Have you in my thoughts and prayers...
Blessings and Peace ~ Tahir.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I'm sorry, I didn't walk through the pain today. I won't go into details, since it's pretty much the same as every other time I messed up, except I know the pain is still there, what I did didn't help. guess I will remember that next time at least, when i'm tempted to numb the pain.
I have much respect for everyone who has made it through and gotten clean, and love for everyone who's been here for me. I only pray that I can one day be among the recovering soon, and help someone else eventually.
Have you talked about that Pain? written about it? seen it for what it is and how's controlling you, this pain?
We all have pain hon, tonight I was out fishing and the kid I took brought up something that his addict brother did to his Aunt, and it brought up something in my past that I did to my family, and shame struck me it's was painful and i found myself with a bowed head staring at the ground. Had to realize that that was my past and thats what I am when using and I don't want that anymore in my life so I must stay clean in order to not repeat those things that shame me and hurt others.
We have to forgive ourselves and we have to forgive others in order to get well harboring these things will only hurt us Adriana, talk with and write about this stuff with someone.
Beating up my head about my relapses did not help, and the fact that I relapsed was not as much important for me as the fact that I need to get back to stop using and staying clean again with the help of NA... That is what is the most important thing for me...
You don't have to be sorry to any of us for ending up using... If I was a cardiac patient and if I end up having a stroke again, I don't become a bad person or I don't need to tell everyone that I am sorry that I had a heart attack again... Instead, I can work myself to recovery again by getting back to the treatment regimen again before my cardiac problem turns fatal for me... And so is it with addiction, in my opinion...
And moroever, nobody ridiculed or abandoned me here in NA whenever I relapsed... Probably if they had done so, maybe, I wouldn't have come back from those relapses again... They loved me back into staying clean and to recovery again... In fact, the members who stood for me and supported me thru my relapses didn't even treat me any different from how they treated me before my relapse... I cannot express how grateful I am to those whose unconditional love and compassion eventually made me love myself that made me stop hating and abusing myself anymore...
Keep Coming Back, Adriana. It Works!
Love you and need you...
Prayers, Hugs and Love ~ Tahir.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Thanks Tahir, I never thought about it like that. This weekend had been pretty crappy, and drugs didn't help, so I must surrender-again. I have to tell my sponsor and start over on the steps.........
