I gave in and tried to find something-I couldn't....maybe because i prayed for help staying clean today? I just know I let the little things get me down and use it as an excuse to use...blaming it on someone else.
Higher Power at work! Once when I was about 5 months clean, I had made a meeting and was with the members at the cafe, when suddenly, out of the blue, I wanted to use...
I excused myself, came home, picked up plenty of money, took my bike, and almost went to all the scoring joints and using places, but strangely, I couldn't get anything that I wanted anywhere... either there was a police raid on the pusher, or the stuff was over and I was told to come the next day...
At around midnight, defeated in my perseverance, I sat at a lonely place on the road, and slowly realized what I was upto... and then a sudden surge of realization hit me that no matter what I did, my Higher Power protected me, made sure that the whole town conspired in such a way that I don't get what I want... the pushers, my using buddies, the cops... I was simply amazed... I thanked my Higher Power from the bottom of my heart... was ovewhelmed with feelings of gratitude and joy that I was still clean... went home and slept... never having to indulge in such craziness again...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Somewhere in our NA literature, it says that there would come a day in our recovery where we would have to expend all our energies and efforts just to make it clean that day... I never forget that... vigilance is a powerful tool against complacency... a life-saving one...
-- Edited by Tahir at 14:08, 2006-09-15
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
It is not in my hand to stop myself from getting carried away... It is in my Higher Power's hand, and by Higher Power, here I mean everything... the fellowship of recovering addicts, their hard-earned experience and wisdom, reaching out and following their suggestions... reading literature, praying and meditating, making meetings and sharing what's going on with me, and most importantly, working the program (the 12 Steps) with my Sponsor... If I turn myself over to my Higher Power's care, then I cannot decide, I cannot take back my life, my Higher Power is in charge, and I trust my Higher Power to take care of me... come hell or high water... my HP gives me the strength and direction to stay clean Just For Today... It is not me who stays clean today, it is my Higher Power who keeps me clean today, acting within and without me... As long as I follow this way... the NA Way... I have nothing to fear... The Steps are the tools, the weapons I use against the cunningness of my disease... Especially for me, Steps 1, 2 and 3 are the most powerful and effective tools to counter using thoughts, cravings, obsession and compulsion, and a possible relapse.
To make it simple, as long as I have a daily active program (application of the steps) in my recovery, I'm safe. These crazy escapades seldom happen, and if and when, I go astray, it is because I would have been around NA, not in NA (working the program)...
One great lesson I have learnt and picked up clearly in my recovery is that I work the program, not the problems... and that I must fit my life around the program, not the otherway around...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.