There was only one person there, the guy who opened up the meeting, but it went good-I can say I was thinking the whole time, in the back of my mind, of how I could really use something.but I agreed to meet him tomorrow and follow him to a meeting in another town, he said there's usually many people there (which makes me nervous).He let me take the blue book with me, and I'll pay him in a few weeks-right now I don't have an extra dollar (and why is that?if it weren't for stupid drugs I would not be broke right now!)well, I'm going to go lie down, I have a splitting headache and I am just exhausted today. Hope everyone has a good evening
I am going to go today, thought about backing out for a bit, but I'm going to go. The only thing is, I still can't say for certain that I will never use again. I can't say that in the back of my mind there's not part of me planning on where to get some when I do get the money-I want to ignore that part, just not sure how.
one thing I haven't done yet is to tell my physician about any of this. for one I am ashamed to tell her I lied to her to get pills, and another is scared at the possibility of never getting them again.
Adriana, great that you made your first meeting. Keep the miracle alive. We just need to allow ourselves to be in the ebb and flow of the program, and the rest will be taken care of, by our HP, be it using thoughts, feelings of guilt and shame or our fears... Keep going to meetings, as much as you can... Isn't that great that, even though you are not sure that you would not end up using, still you are making these meetings, reaching out here at the forum and sharing your heart out, addressing your feelings and thoughts so that you get to work around them? That's the Power greater than our addiction that is at work. Allow it to work, and believe me, miracles do happen... Please read the Blue Book, the "Basic Text"... Whenever I have tried all that I could and failed, I always ending up reading Basic Text and follow the directions from there...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Today was my second meeting-I must admit I had 2 pills (which really at this point does nothing, but it did make me ache a little less for a bit, but not for long, so I am done with the drugs)I really FEEL that I WANT to be done, that I don't want to live like I have been any longer-I didn't feel that way this morning, I didn't even feel that way half way through the meeting. but I came home and read the book (well, started it) and thought about what everyone had said today. I can not tell you how good it felt to be in a place where I felt that people cared. I still felt nervous, at times I was trying not to cry, but to hear people say they were glad I was there and hoped I would come back, I don't know...I have felt so alone for so long, it just felt like .....oh I don't know how to even explain it. I am going to another meeting tomorrow night. I'm still feeling crappy, still feel flu-like, but I'm going to go take a hot bath and make dinner for my son instead of throwing pizza rolls in the microwave for him. I don't know how to talk to my family, to my son about any of this, I have tried to hide it for so long. but for now I'm not going to worry about that, just focus on staying clean from now on and begin step 1
CLAPPING WILDLY... Way to go, Adriana. You rock. Keep up the good work. You are doing great. Just like you said, don't worry about anything else... Stay clean, and we can live another day to take care of our other problems... as long as we are trying, we are not failing... Alone I Can't, Together We Can... Thanks for sharing with us... Glad we have you here... I need you in my recovery... Prayers and best wishes...
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Adriana the only person in my family i've told about my relapse is my sister and that was an accident , at this time they don't need to know. My sister has 10 years in NA and I still did'nt want to tell her because I thought the emotions would get too heavy but she did well she even said she had a feeling I was going to relapse this last year as has everyone, everyone already knew something was very wrong.
What I believe is important is getting on our 2 feet. The less drama at the moment the better off we are, getting off the dope and getting ahold of this thing and sticking with people who are going to help us do that is how we're going to get that done, also working this program into our daily lives.
We love you and are SO GLAD your sticking it out, anything you need just hoLLer it out here, you more then welcome to email me as is anyone here.
Adriana, WAY TO GO! Another day . . . you are a miracle. Any clean addict is a miracle and we have to remember that. I read your other post and I truly understand how you feel about honesty. But remember, we don't have to start telling everyone immediately. You concentrate on staying clean for now, the rest will come in time. Try your best to find a sponsor. For me, that has been my saving grace this time. Last year when I got clean, I found a sponsor and used her until she relapsed. I got a second sponsor and had already decided I wasn't going to trust her because everytime I find someone I trust and open up to, they disappear from my life. So, I did just that. I didn't trust her and didn't work the steps honestly and guess what happened?! I relapsed. This year, I have a sponsor that I dearly love and have already shared so much with her. My grand sponsor is wonderful also. Between the two of them, I am able to go through some things I would have never thought possible before. Sponsorship can be a beautiful thing, but we sponsees have to do our part too. I'm glad I did. Just being able to share some of my baggage with her has made a huge difference for me already. And I know that I have to continue working with her if I am ever going to really work this program and stay clean. You hang in there. You're doing a GREAT job. I'm glad you're here. . . I need you! Please continue sharing and try not to keep those feelings and urges hidden.
Hello again everyone-Not feeling quite as confident now, but it's just this time of night and I can't sleep...just lie there and think, think, think. echobar, thanks for the post, but I didn't make it through the whole day without using....but I did only have 2. The guy I rode to today's (yesterday's) meeting with said he didn't think I was ready yet, to quit. He said I should go to rehab at least, but I can't do that. I've done this crap for 19 years, on and off, I AM ready. I just never imagined it'd be so hard to FEEL, since I've always done whatever to avoid any feelings. I'm going to my dads tomorrow, and that'll be a big temptation, just to stay out of his pills...but I will. I haven't got a sponsor yet, I'd like the guy I met to be, but I understand why they want same gender sponsors....maybe they'll be someone at tomorrows meeting. Well, I'm going to try to sleep now-goodnight everyone, and thanks
Whatever way it goes come back and let us know keep BEING HONEST your addiction HATES honesty and it is what is going to break you thru whatever sticking point you are at and don't give up thats another thing your addiction feeds on .
I look at this thing like an evil spirit and what that spirit wants is your soul, maybe it's satan whatever it is, its pure evil .............
Feelings in us are strong we are very emotional people, we are overly sensitive but we can learn to handle them by learning more about them . Just keep the principles in mind, repeat them when you are weak, keep it simple dont always follow your mind shut it off when it gets into "Stinkin Thinkin" learn to change the path your thinking is on, it takes work I have 67 days clean today and we're doing GREAT.
((((((((((BigV)))))))))) Congrats on the big 67 awesome miracles!!! You rock, my friend!!!
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"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
