I just took the last of my 2 pills...now is when I am really scared, cause I know it's time to say I'm done with it. I don't know how to exist without it though. I'm already starting to think "where am I going to get more?"
I know how difficult it is to be caught up in the cycle of addiction, obsession, that never ending stream of thoughts associated with only one thing, the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more, followed by compulsion, where we are forced to use, no matter what...
One thing I did in the beginning to break that cycle is to tell myself that I will not use for the next few minutes or one hour... I try to come out of the thought pattern that I must have to never use it again for the rest of my life... that is too overwhelming, even now after over 2 years of cleantime. I might end up relapsing, maybe tomorrow, or even after another 10 years of recovery. That is not in my hand... But I can stay clean Just For Today, not use, no matter what, till I go to bed today... That way, all I have to do is stay clean for a 24 hours, not all my life... all I have to worry about is this 24 hours... tomorrow doesn't exist in my program, and today I don't commit that I will not use tomorrow... All I commit myself is to the present moment, which is today... be it the next one hour or a few hours...
And what I did to stay clean, for a few hours, today is to make a meeting, share about my using thoughts, my fears of how my day would be if I don't use today, share my pain, physical or psychological, seek help on how to cope with the day without using... make calls to other members and get the support, chat online with members... read recovery literature, the chapters "Recovery and Relapse" and "Just For Today" from the Basic Text. And most importantly pray to a Power Greater Than my addiction that can save me and set me free from the obsession and compulsion of my addiction. There were times when no human being was available and could relieve me of my miserable state, but I realized that there was a Power Greater than my addiction, whatever that be, always loving me, and with me, that could and would help, if I seek that Power.
Alone, I'm in danger. Together with recovering addicts who have been there and found a way to stay clean, inspite of their sickness, I have a chance, a choice to stay clean and not to use, come hell or high water...
As long as we try the suggestions that have worked for hundreds and thousands of addicts before us, we are not failing...
Please keep sharing with us, and try out these simple but powerful tools...
I will have you in my prayers,
Blessings and peace ~ Tahir.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
Also I shared about my using thoughts whenever they occured immediately with others. Sometimes with even my little sister who was only 13 then... Doing so takes the power out of my using thoughts. Instead of turning into a powerful obsession if I don't share and think that I can handle these thoughts, I share it out with anyone and everyone available, and then feel that they are not as intense as they were before sharing... our using thoughts and even obsession lose most of their power the moment they are exposed, shared with others, within a few moments, they even go off... leaving me grateful that I did not act out on those thoughts and instead doing the right thing... and hence demonstrating my desire to not use, to stay clean, in action...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I am going to have to go to a meeting, I just haven't decided if I want to go to the one that is in my hometown-It is tomorrow, if I can make it till then, that'd be great....
the one person I would normally share anything with, my best friend, I can't share my wanting to quit my addiction because she still is at the point where she wants to use (she doesn't use as often as I, just occasionally, but she would encourage me to take a few from my dad or whoever so she could have 1). That's kind of hard, knowing that the one person I would normally count on I can't count on with this
I never had one whom I can count on too, when I stopped using. When I sought, I found many but. Of course, it would be difficult and seem too much of an effort sometimes (but then I had made great efforts and went thru great pains to procure my drug, for many years, and to forge the connections to sustain my using, so I knew I was capable of going to any lengths ~ be it to use, or to stay clean), to open up with strangers in the beginning, but once I reached out and shared with these new acqaintances, the recovering folk, I was glad that I did. I never had to regret.
Now I have hundreds and thousands of these people to whom I can reach out, half of them I have never even met once in my life face-to-face as yet, including my Sponsor...
And I did not know any of them even existed on Earth when I first got clean.
And I realize today that I don't have to be embarrassed to talk about my problems with members in NA as I came to know that they were all the same, just like me, and have done all those stupid and embarrassing things that I thought were too shameful to share... Whenever I shared, they would say, "well, you think that is too shameful, then listen to what I did..." They also shared how they resolved these things, now in recovery, and were living free from guilt and shame and secrecy... That brought about trust and identification in these relationships...
Sharing with those who can identify can turn out to be a strong foundation of our recovery...
-- Edited by Tahir at 12:32, 2006-09-10
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
at the moment I am sitting here crying. my son is in the bathtub, I had to argue to get him to take one. we argue all the time. He's 13, and when I try to talk to him he gets mad. His dad comes to see him maybe twice a year. I just feel like I have all these problems (life) drowning me, and the only way I know of to handle them (well, hide form them I guess) is to drown them in drugs. Right now they are all gone, and I can't escape these feelings.
(((((Adriana))))) I know it's confusing and scary to be where you are... As soon as I stopped using, all my problems were staring at me... And I did not have drugs to escape anymore... But I realized that it is also my addiction that has played a major role in all these problems that I was facing... And by not using, I at least have a chance of addressing these problems one by one. If I use, I aggravate these problems even more... It only got worse whenever I relapsed... my problems turned out even more scary and disastrous... ten-times more than before...
What I did was, use the suggestion "First Things First", and gave my staying clean as my first and foremost priority... I knew that if I could stay stopped for awhile, a few months, these problems that seem so huge and so terrible to face, don't seem as much impossible as they seem, and I don't react to them as I use to, since I don't use anymore.
There is no problem, no adversity, no hardship that using can't make worse. On the other hand, there is no problem, no adversity, no hardship that I cannot face, cope with, and find solutions to, if I stay clean and don't use...
All I did in my first 6 months of recovery was only stay clean, and do whatever it took to stay clean... The rest can wait... Now, believe me, I have been able to do those things that I thought I can never do in my life... There are many more things that I have achieved, which I never had, even before I started using in my life... I know more will be revealed as our program promises, and I continue to get amazed, filled with gratitude and joy when the program of recovery and my HP continue to reveal as and when I can handle it...
Indeed, miracles do happen... Is not the very fact that you are sharing with us here at the forum all you are going thru instead of scoring and using a MIRACLE? Doesn't that show that a Power greater than you, within you, active and resilient, carrying you thru, inspite of the pain?
We only have to open our eyes, and we will see these miracles happen, many times in a single day, in and around us...
Hang on, adriana, tap into those inner portals of strength and faith where your HP resides... There IS a Higher Power that is loving you now...
WE DON'T HAVE TO USE, NO MATTER WHAT...
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
