i was thinking about a new topic to write about,and i realized i would probably have to repeat my story,which in turn made me realize,THAT is what recovery is all about.remembering and telling your course of addiction as often as necessary,for the rest of your life,(in the appropriate places,twelve step meetings) because the disease is so cunning and precarious that it never will leave your consciousness.it IS a disease,and even though i have not newly practised experiancing that concept,or realizing the forgiveness that is there for me ,once i have realized it is a medical disease,i know that i can feel like i made a human mistake,being swallowed up in addictions alluring,elusive,seduction.it feels like it all came on slowly,yet it all happened so fast.i became addicted to prescription vicodin,which in turn lead me to lying and looking for pills any way i could.i dont normally use the desciption of what i took to get high,but i feel like shouting to the world,dont think just because its a prescription and your not in an ally using it,that its neat and clean,because its an OPIATE.HELLOOOOO,and its incredebly addictive and will enchant you like any other high someone is chasing.i might as well have been doing any drug out there,because i would have ended up in prison,overdosing,or dead.all of it is poisen and kills your soul.it permeates your sense of goodness and destroys the part of you that sees the GOOD in yourself.ive never felt such compassion for other addicts as i do now that ive felt the total mind numbing fear that i couldnt stop.i particularly liked to ritualisticly use on a saturday night,alone and islolated,and i would cry myself to sleep while being in a panic thinking,how am i going to stop?il stop next week.ill stop after this bottle is gone.i cant stop.ive never been so scared in all my life,and when i can cope and face reality,its even scarier to realize,i could have overdosed and one of my kids could have found me on the couch,cold and dead.i even thought at times,that might be easier if i didnt wake up.now i know i was sick and in the throws of addiction,and i go to meetings and realize this is the course of what happens to humans,as they dont cope and self medicate.those meetings are truly from God,and are heaven on earth.they bring true serenity,genuine human goodness and kindness,and that can only be something holy.the meetings re new my faith in human goodness.ive never felt so understood and that i can pull up any chair at any meeting and feel cared for.there's been times i was so down,it was the only partof the world,that i liked.i havent taken any chemicals since march 24,except for two hits off a marijuana cigarette,two days ago,which im extremely angry at myself for.i felt lousy and at age 46,it aggrivated my depression,and it made me feel awful and my energy was sapped.i was disappointed in myself for doing that.it was my son's friends which brought even more shame to me,he's 17.i still feel weak and vulnerable this early in recovery.i pray i never get into that pattern of dispair again,and the only thing that will re assure that,is going through the twelve step structure,and the consistent way it works.im going to try to commit myself to writing my feelings,often,on this site,i know it will help in my recovery,and self honesty.thank you for listening.
What can be said that hasn't already. Keep trying... I've been clean for over 10 years now. I feel the same feelings about my neighbors, compassion. They are addicts. I feel bad for others that need to learn the same harsh lessons I had to learn. I also have hope that they will find the way like me. It can be quite rewarding to watch others re-discover themselves, and become an asset to their communities and families. Remember, The God of Heaven did not send you here to fail. He wants you to succeed. He wants you to be happy. He wants you to live a fulfilling life. All things work for our good. My bad years made me the person I am today, though still an addict, I have been able to help others find peace. You are gaining experience and knowlege, learned first hand. The hard way. Your experiences will shape you into the person you will soon become! The person HE would have you be.
Welcome to Narcotics Anonymous Starlightwoman1. You never have to use again. We are powerless over our addiction but not our recovery, your powerless over whether your son and his friend smoke dope but your not powerless over allowing them to smoke around you. Set your boundries, tell them your in recovery and they'll have to go some where else to get loaded. I have some very old friends who still use, I don't know if they're addicts or not, I only know that I'm an addict and when I was in early recovery I couldn't be around any of that stuff. Now that I have some recovery and time I visit them a couple time a year, they are very respectful and go into the backyuard to smoke and don't get sloppy drunk when I'm there. Before I got clean I just thought that I was an alcoholic who happened to smoke pot. I'd never heard of the disease of addiction so when I'd try to stop drinking I'd smoke way more pot and of course I had not recovery so I'd soon be drinking worse then before. I always remember the reading where it says "We are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover" Well good luck and keep posting. Bob.
i appreciate your input.i feel like there was alot of fear in feeling "talked" into smoking the pot,even though i know it was my decision,i felt panic,that i gave in.i know youre truthful in that i have to make boundaries.i WILL do that.i wont let that happen again in my house.thank goodness for the support of this board.
Hi. Ya know it is the same old story w/ me. I sober up ,then relapse ,feel like dirt, get hi and/or drunk,vow to myself and others that i quit, just to relpase again and again. I made it a whole wopping 17 days w/out a drink until Sat but I had continued w/ pot and pills. So I guess it was just a matter of time... again.!!!!!!!!::I cry::am furious::and ashamed: History repeats itself and so do i. It feels as if i will never learn until maybe it is too late.Just had to write this out to see how stupid it sounds to neverb learn from all my mistakes. I'm a loser baby so why don't ya kill me...Poor poor pitiful me pour me another glass of poison.
Hi Smiley,I know that the nature of addiction is the craving and mental obsession of wanting "something" to escape, and that dynamic,in itself, is inescapable.when i was in rehab,i never felt like such a weak person.it wasnt because i was using in rehab, at the time,it was because i had to face the reality of my patterns of co dependancy and the embarrassment of allowing anyone and everyone to steam roll me,and walk all over me.i dont know why im like this.it made me feel like i was a weak minded person.i feel like your last line about "im a loser baby,so why dont ya kill me" could actually be an indication of your surrender to a disease,that we cannot control.Could that be healthy that maybe you're trying to surrender to the issue of control?ive actually thought about myself,in reference to that song in the past,on different occasions,and it actually feel like letting go,when i had felt like that song,but i wonder how you take surrender to the next level of moving forward and further into the other healing steps of recovery.im new at this,as well,and the despair and hopelessnes is hell.i hope you keep writing,because that too is a healthy step to reach out to others.this messege board does that for me,because the support and the pulling away from my self isolation helps me alot.
Tony G.,thanks by the way.I can hear your sobriety thru your wise post.I recognize it because I've felt that peace after going to meetings,and I appreciate the hope you offer.Thank you for taking the time to remind me and others of that hope.
smiley wrote: Hi. Ya know it is the same old story w/ me. I sober up ,then relapse ,feel like dirt, get hi and/or drunk,vow to myself and others that i quit, just to relpase again and again. I made it a whole wopping 17 days w/out a drink until Sat but I had continued w/ pot and pills. So I guess it was just a matter of time... again.!!!!!!!!::I cry::am furious::and ashamed: History repeats itself and so do i. It feels as if i will never learn until maybe it is too late.Just had to write this out to see how stupid it sounds to neverb learn from all my mistakes. I'm a loser baby so why don't ya kill me...Poor poor pitiful me pour me another glass of poison.
I know the feeling and can relate big time with you, and then a miracle happens sometimes and you have to hang onto that miracle I hope you get that one day .
Even though I relapsed I still feel I am a miracle, I went out one night after almost 6 years sober it' a miracle I was able to stop and get back, it was a miracle I even got the days put together that I had because I felt and was as hopeless as you .
We can all be saved before hitting that basement floor we just need to get off the elevator, you know that one that goes up and down up and down and let God/higher power work in our lives.
