I'm new here..and to getting better. Luckily I'm not as bad as I used to be..but right now it's gotten more dangerous. I also got pulled over by the cops a few weeks ago for dui and possession. Ironically, it wasn't a night that I had really partied. I got upped on my anti ds and I think it reacted badly.

Being taken to jail kind of made me realize that I need to change. As I said above..I'm better than a year ago b/c I'm not so emotionally attached. Yet, I'm still addicted. I remember hitting rock bottom trying to quit last time. I first got myself off Ritalin..which was extremely hard physically and mentally. I would take that during the day..popping/snorting atleast 6-10 pills at a time a few times a day. Then at night I'd smoke weed and gulp down vodka and xanax to help me sleep. I don't know if it reacted with my meds or what all I was combining the weed with (or if it was laced), but I couldn't always get myself to bed b/c I'd forget within 2 sec where I was going.

So I quit Ritalin first..but then I started drinking/smoking all day long. I hit rock bottom with depression trying to quit. Eventually I got better where I would just get f'ed up a few times a week.

I've always had a problem of not being able to stop when I do something. Whatever I do, I have always done until I pass out.

A few months after I got mostly better I met some new people..and they liked to party. I always did everything by myself..and I started hanging around them for friends. I got back into smoking and heavily taking xanax. I'd bring a bottle of 30 pills and between my friend and I we'd snort/chew/swallow all of them in one night. This happened every night..and I took xanax all throughout the day and right before bed. I'd drink alcohol until it was either gone or I'd pass out. Then my friend asked me if I'd ever done coke..and so we started doing that together. After we partied we'd go inside and do lines to wake us up. Before bed we'd pop xanax and drink to sleep.

I ended up passing out more and more. One night I drank so much I almost had to go to the hospital. I don't remember what happened..but I know I refused to let them take me. I ended up unconscious for a while. The embarrasing part was..these weren't my party friends. It was my friend and her husband and her mom. I snuck drinks in b/c I always used to be able to handle it..but apparently not on my medecation anymore.

In the past I've passed out for days and thrown up/peed on myself. Just really embarrasing stuff like that. Nobody found me..but none the less.

Right now I'm trying to stop..and it's very hard. I honestly just want to die.. I haven't gotten drunk in a few weeks..nor smoked. I've cut down on my pills..but I can't seem to stop them. And I've only done coke once in the past few weeks...which was a week ago.

Xanax is prescribed..but I'm too embarrased to talk to my doctor and tell her I'm addicted to them.

When I got my dui I had just woken up from passing out on a dirt road trying to walk to my car. I woke up with my shirt off and I mentioned that to the lady who strip searched me..not realizing she has to tell. I have a history of sexual abuse..and so I was very uneasy with being strip searched. She told the cop who was on my case and it got put to rape..which I don't know if it was...I just know my shirt was off when I woke up. Some guy I slept with who hangs around where I passed out skipped town too.

The police took my finger prints and the whole works..but they let me go with my license and without bail. It's been a few weeks and I haven't heard from them, but yesterday they stopped by my house when I wasn't home and by my work.

I've just been so paranoid to the point I almost had a panick attack. I feel like cops are watching in my windows and planted recording devices. I keep thinking tomorrow they're going to bust down my door and search my apartment. I have nothing to hide though b/c I threw out everything. I keep thinking they're going to arrest me again..and refuse to let me have a phone call or lawyer present like they denied me last time they arrested me.

I think I'd just break down if they arrested me again. I'm already on the verge of a meltdown. Coming off everything isn't helping either.

I'm not suicidal, but I wish I didn't exist. I work more than 60 hours a week...trying to save up money for rent b/c I blew it all on drugs/alcohol and getting my car fixed and out of impound. I'm paranoid I'm going to get arrested again. Paranoid my family will find out about my past. Having withdrawals from stuff still..not quite so bad now though. I even threw out my prescription xanax which I've cut down on, but not stopped yet. I take it every other day..and just one pill.

I just want to get clean and live an average life. No cops..no drugs..no passing out. Eventually cut down to 35 hours a week. Just be able to spend a night watching old movies and eating popcorn at home.

I'm done rambling. It helped me to get it out.. It's going to be hard before I get better. Nobody really knows what all I got myself into..except for those I got into it with. I can't get better with them in my life even tho I care about them. I'm fine with being by myself...I'm used to it..but the hard part is them calling to hang out or facing one of them at work. She got suspended for a bit b/c she called off too much so I have yet to really face her.

Thanks for reading.

Bullfrog