Do you feel like you're in this for the wrong reasons? I was re-evaluating my recovery and for the first couple of months, the only thing that kept me sober was a promise that I made to a friend of mine who later became my sponsor. I didn't do it for me, i did it because I couldn't stand to let him down. I think that sometimes, I wake up and the only thing keeping me from using again is that silly promise that means the world to me for some reason along with the fact that there are people who are counting on me to help them stay sober. Everytime I get close to using, I think about him. I think about all the things he's ever said to me. And you know what? Everytime, i make it through just fine.

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It sounds like you got in it through the only way you could at the time: your loyalty to your friend and your intregrity to keep a promise.  I think that's beautiful to care about people and helping people as much as you seem to.  However, I wonder if a part of it is your subconscious trying to keep you busy so you don't have to see any internal conflict you might be having.  Feeling loved, needed, and useful is very helpful in not relapsing.  Many recovering addicts still have low self esteem; I sure do.  The point is that it doesn't seem like your giving yourself the credit that you're due.  You got in it for loyalty and honesty: qualities--like the ability to feel guilt--that can become completely numbed in addicts. 

Do you know how much it would mean to a shut in like me to have a friend I was that close to?  I'm too shy to even call my sponser.  I have trouble verbally asking for help.  I'm so socially acqward it's not even funny.  You, however, have the ability to bond; that's a skill, don't cut yourself short because you can help a lot of people in and in the world beyond NA.   

I can see why you're concerned about staying sober for other people in the beginning.  Everyone always says that you have to be sober for yourself.  But in a way you've always been in it for yourself.  You wanted for yourself to be a loyal and honest person or your vow wouldn't have meant anything to you. 

There is a part of me that isn't in recovery for myself.  There's a part of me that doesn't really like the idea of being drug free for the rest of my life, waking up every day to the same issue of being tempted but not being able to use.  But that's life: it is what it is, and just for today I deal with it.  But then one of my sister's kids hug me and I want to be a good role model for them.  I want to be there with them 100% when I'm playing with them, not part of me in a drug haze.  It's not like I'd ever go around them high anyway; I'm just getting to know them and the oldest is going to be 13.  It was worth the wait!  I am not completely alone, I have a wonderful family and the most understanding parents ever.  I am blessed indeed. 

Addict Eve