When the doors of the rooms first were opened to me, I walked in somewhat shattered. The glass-shards in my heart were poking holes, and I was broken. As fate would have it, it was to get a lot worse.

At first, I gained hope. Support showed, and a few things showed up in my life. Then, from one moment to the next, I was crushed, rapidly driven in the other direction.

The very shaping of fate disrespected the warm welcome I was given by the person who sponsored me, and the fellowship. It completely ignored the natural connection I held to a variety of lives around the planet, and got me stuck as a conduit of harm.

Some malice began installing itself in my life, like a virus, demanding I'd subject and spread the malice in the rooms. I didn't, and subsequently I was deprived of life, endured extreme hardships and hindered making a basic living. It denied me recovery. There's a bit on that in the posts I wrote here.

Amid it all, I figured something out. I could do service. It mattered not what others thought, how things were narrated, what others knew or didn't. When I kept showing up, I got another 24 hours plus something.

Narcotics isn't a class of narcotics, and the only requirement for membership is a desire, not the capacity or even awareness. Socially acceptable drugs may feel good for a while; and if getting emotionally invested in claiming the benefits, or pushing it unto others, that gets hard to quit. Somehow I avoided the latter.

If you've been to a meeting or two, you might be able to recognize this: It's like recovery is found at times, in ways, to extents, in streaks and such. When it shows, it's about making the most of it, and sadly there's a lot of noise claiming itself to be recovery.

Over time, I began to notice that it is like something wants to own NA. Likely, it is connected to all the exploitation of youths on the streets. As in, the heavily consumed occurrence of addiction, in which become lives are easy to rape, no enforcement in the way, bypassed misusing consent by exchanged value as a medium of access.

The patterns don't seem accidental: The wrongs done to countless, each occurrence consumed, caused and shaped. It's likely that more than a few die out there in trying to avoid participation therein.

These dynamics benefit when things don't get uncovered. I learned what "character assassination through within" means as I shared the observations I made. Meanwhile, if things are promoted that harm the fellowship, but caters to certain interests, it's attempted made to trick the senses to feel pleasant, comfortable and to seem desirable.

Somewhere there is a newcomer who will not know the history, the politics, the quiet compromises. They will show up desperate, and some will recover, some will think they recover, some get bound down misusing dependence, are divided and attempted subjugated into their own demise down-the-line. Some get denied the chance, or immediately leap back, and of those some show up again later.

It hurts to think that the kindness handed down, as it turns into the authority of years, language, presence and history, loses the chance to inventory what's next for them in their journey. There seems to always be a next step; the journey of recovery doesn't end, while it's need got a beginning. Whatever's next, I personally leave up to the individual, other than their higher power.

Defense

Sadly, it doesn't seem that the fellowship-misusing infestation gets negated.

As in, all the misuse of diagnosticism, the misuse of elevated ethos, the imposed fixing and denied healing despite the abundance of solutions that were around for hundreds, thousands, of years. The malice goes on and on, unceasingly denying lives recovery. It inherently divides members, each of whom is connected to lives struggling at the malice, on way or another.

It's like there is a kind of dependence on being terrorized or harmed, to meet what is given with a shred of decency, instead of misusing it gruesomely. It shifts blame unto individuals, robs them and surrounds of personal responsibility and seems to love pinning the entirety of the blame on immediate ancestry.

Those that indulge in that, getting involved in the malice, developing complicity or simply being too exhausted by it all and sinking in - those that oppress - develop a blind angle to "culmination". It gets harder and harder to spot when factors collide, shaping circumstances and likelier outcomes.

An example would be when the outgoing phoneline stops, there's little attendance at meetings, someone close is struggling and they're heavily involved in such as religion, activism or pursuit of livelihood. Suddenly something happens, and then another thing, and poof they're gone. Disappear, use more to compensate - or take a step back and start recovering; what's the popular choice around you?

Being aware of that eases circumventing the malice, for those that actually want to recover. The pathway does get narrower, especially in some contexts. Some involved in oppressive networks and endeavors may not spot the outcomes of a business-meeting, a newcomer suddenly showing up or members from another meeting there. They may not factor in the small stepwork breakthroughs, outreach calls, and the disease can be surprised.

Inversely, while it'll often cloak itself and try to deflect unto surrounds, pointing others out as the issue, it can be easy to spot the intolerance of newcomers, excessive endeavoring and lingual patterns, that hint at its carriers getting occupied, burdened and needing to use more to compensate.

I can't help but think, that even if not official, it'd be easy to put together a cleaning-kit: Could even ask AI to go over these posts and procure it. Simply showing up at meetings, reducing the drain of higher powering and building a bit of resilience in meetings; it'd do the trick for personal recovery.

The question is how to do it without the confrontation, as the disease does not like being unveiled or seen, and employs a variety of nasty destructive methods, including character-assassination, passive pressure and seeming desirable in comparison. It doesn't like when recovery inconvenient to it is desirable, and it craves its malice, its pushed highs, to seem desirable.

Try this inventory:

• Taking a step back; was fourth step thorough enough, or was there deference to consensus instead of higher power, God? Was it dishonest against self, instead of honest?

• Do the hidden costs to personal recovery get reduced, avoiding value becoming fuel for the disease; for systematized gossip and rumor-spreading?

• Is capacity to move self about secured, in case infestation occurs?

• Does the work of the founders get respected, such as by reading original versions of literature instead of misleading twists added in since?

• Were those closest at some level, responsible as they may be, positioned as shields against retaliation? Lured into complicity over the years, whether prone to it or not. Those closest can harm the most, acting as infection-pathways, transmitting denial by kinship.

• Is meeting-attendance outside the 'local dominion' frequent, avoiding the disease hiding itself away from face-to-face meetings? Whether or not local language is spoken?

• Does self-depletion frequently occur, confronting those misusing the important claim of "outside issues" to veil their disease? Can steps back be taken, lasting changes made possible?

Note that the material is not meant as a tool to attack other members, if anything to attack the disease.

Note that the issue with the labeling, denial-inducing, invalidating oppressive malice in terms of recovery and cleantime, is that it blinds members to what they need be aware of, to avoid sliding into more dangerous zones, hereunder the death-zone.

There's always something that can end

The list is likely long. Relations, inconvenient lifestyle-changes - even the things that seem like they cannot be asked of someone like ridding of excessive baggage. Doesn't need to be recovery-time, or lives.

Letting go, saying a goodbye, changing a dietary habit - moving instead of changing a host of other things while getting high on remainance. Some ends are better not postponed, and sometimes it's starving children calling for meals obstructed in shaping for them, or the still-struggling being denied recovery.

With that in mind, anyone can reach out to the forum-admins and ask that these posts be deleted. I'll leave that to fellowship conscience and God. It is somewhat raw, and the cost can get higher than the gain if misused. Sadly the kind of material is too inconvenient, and can't be put in print in an official capacity.

Instead the disease misuses centralized distribution of literature, infesting irreparably. It's not the early days anymore; the programmes are well-known and the literature reach and determine opinions, culture and thinking of millions across various elevated positions around the world.

If you're a newcomer, and casually feel unwelcome or like the meetings ain't for you; that the recovery-space is taken, these posts hint at a path.

If you're an old-timer, and find that a new depth of inventory may carry you another decade, this may assist to avoid relapses. If you're simply pissed at a sponsee, having checked your own side of the street, these posts may be useful.

Some will avoid suicide, eased in facing and working through what society denies them. Some may be better off attending a local meeting.

The first post was really just to point out the sheer loss of 7th tradition. Making it easier to remove the unnecessary suffocation, highlighting that the money gets squandered by the disease. I did try to go via official channels, not repeating that mistake.

The material is shaped to be resistant, converting negative energy into contributive recovery-force. But it got its limits, as do I. While the material was shaped to be accessible to the broader membership by employing certain methodologies, some 'contexts' will ingest, rationalize and deny the material, draining the potential healing impact.

The point was never the posts. The point was recovery, the newcomer, and the common welfare.

About me? Don't know. At least I didn't involve myself in that mess, meaning every hour I attended a meeting, did service and the like, isn't tainted by the abnormal costs to motivating the malice, the harms involved in that kind of production-lines. Likely makes it more useful down-the-line, giving me a bit of hope. Leaving me with less of a bitter taste, that somehow it was worth the while to not just indulge.

I don't believe much in heavens as being permanent holiday-destinations. Cant get enlightenment if "trying to own it" either (nope). Achieving some kind of ascension, building on failing to be present for those naturally, inherently, romantically connected to - differing to family-of-origin .. well. Heavenly structuring would be functional spaces, if too damaged/wronged, that'd seem to drain viability much like being corruptive/eroding to the environment, or introducing heavy costs, damaging the lasting nature of desired outcomes.