Narcotics Anonymous

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Post Info TOPIC: Looking for any advise


Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Looking for any advise

I posted my story on Al-anon as well and recived wonderful things. My wife belongs to NA and I would like to put this story out to you and see if maybe I can see another point of view.

2020 has been the worst year for many, but it has been especially terrible for me. I got to start the year off with planning an intervention for my wife. It all started back in fall of 2019 when her father passed away. I had been busy with doing the lions share of taking the kids to sports volunteering for Hockey and school activities and her and I were not communicating well. She had all but blocked me out of her life. I hadnt realized she was popping so many meds as she was and taking some from co-workers as well. She hid this pretty well from me. What I did notice was her drinking was getting out of control and she was a very angry person towards me and the kids. She wasnt dealing with the death of her Father as she should. Just in the same fashion she never dealt with her brothers death (IMHO). So she started drinking heavily and avoiding all the things with me and the kids so she could drink. She in January decided to help out this POS at her work with some programs to further his employment. I didnt like him from the moment I met him I let her know it too. As my gut told me they began to have an affair while I was doing all the work at home with the kids and working my job. By the mid-March I was fed up with the 2 of them hanging out and I full out called her on it. She got angry denied everything and then spiraled out of control with Drugs and alcohol and staying out with this POS. I finally had to tell her family what she was doing as they had no idea this was happing. I felt horrible like I was being a tattle tale, but I was fed up and hurting really bad for me and for the kids. She told me one night that she didnt care about me or the kids. So speaking with her family we all discussed her issues and I told them I was going to have to send her to rehab and have an intervention with her. I think at first they all thought I was being too hard on her. I felt this way as well its really hard to make the decision that will change the rest of your life. I just didnt see any other way she wasnt trying to get help or make any of the changes she said she would. I was really glad I set it up for when I did. The night before we were to do the intervention I came into the kitchen and she had a knife to herself she was thinking about cutting herself and asked me to cut her so she would feel something. That night was the longest night of my life. She was hiding from all of us in my kids fort doing drugs and drinking alone on her phone most likely taking to the POS. I dont think I slept a wink waiting and playing out how the intervention was going to go the next day. Would she just run away and we were going to lose her. The next day we all gathered in my living room with the interventionist and went over our stories we had written just like on tv, but this was real this was actually happening in my living room. The kids were sent to their cousins to play so they didnt know what was happening. When she came home she had already been drinking and this was at 10am. We asked her to join us in the living room which she did (I thought she was going to run). We all read a letter to her stating how we loved her and how we needed her to get better. She stared at me with this look of pure disgust and laughed at all us of pouring our hearts out. I was the only one to read the ultimatum to her of what would happen if she didnt go. I almost thought I couldnt do it and then I thought could it really be any worse if I didnt say it. So if she would not go she would not have a home and she would not be allowed to see the kids until she got clean. She accepted to go and was extremely angry with me about it. She didnt want to say goodbye to the kids, just grab some roadies and leave to treatment. To this day I can still see the look on her face she gave me as she got in her car. While in detox she did as any junkie would and tried to leave, pleaded to go and she would get better on her terms. She called begging to come home, but I stuck to my guns and she calmed down and stayed. A few days into the rehab she and I had a call with her counselor it was to discuss our life. I had to ask some questions and one of the questions was to find out if she had slept with anyone else while in addiction. She reluctantly told me she did sleep with him once but she had kissed him other times and was having an emotional affair with him for 2months behind my back. I took this really hard as she was the love of my life I truly did not want to believe that the woman I have always put above anyone one else even during all the hard times could do this to me. We had always had this conversation that we would never to that to each other as it had been done to me before in previous relationships. I took some time to think about what I was going to do going forward. I made the choice not to jump ship and to see if we could make it through this. I wish someone would have told me how hard this was going to be and gave me a guide book on it. Our situation is especially difficult. She not only had to build my trust with addiction, but her infidelity ripped a hole in me that I still dont know how to fill completely. She has always put me last in her life. Now its even harder to be last with her NA group and I dont mean NA and meetings that I can understand. I mean the group of people she only met 5 months ago. We have fights about men she is in constant communication with from her group, because I have been left with this insecurity from her infidelity which I had never had before. Minimal time is spent repairing our relationship and we have no sexual chemistry because most of her time is spent on group and recovery. She was in treatment for 45 days and we could only talk over the phone most of which were short communications so I could let the kids talk to her. I was not sleeping and lost over 30lbs from stress. I was the normal full time dad now putting them to bed and having them cry to sleep asking where mom was and when she would be home again. I had to keep them busy and doing all the house work, but now I was teacher and still had to work full time from home.  Here we are 7 sessions in couples therapy and 3 and a half months living together again. She is making time for just us to be alone, but it is usually interrupted with one of the group reaching out or her planning something for them. I can sleep most nights, but alot are spent wondering why I am still being placed last after working so hard to forgive her for doing this all to me and our family. I am so proud of how she has not relapsed and made it so far. She seems to be the one everyone in her group looks to for help. She has been asked to chair meetings, help new comers and even asked to go to the center to tell her story as a guest speaker. I know I should be happy and over the moon at such great accomplishments about all this and how wonderful she is doing. I am truly. However this is straining my relationship with her. This new addiction to NA is just like the alcohol although she wont die from it and is healthy and I am grateful for that. I keep dwelling on the possibility she may have an affair with one of these people.  She goes to 2 meetings a day and she is constantly texting the group and organizing things for the group, she is even dealing with their personal issues on top of her working and exercising. She has better conversation with the men from group than she does with me one even asked her today to come to his 5 year celebration and speak. She did ask if that was ok and I do think its fine, but it really hurt to know that she finds him so inspirational.  What hurts me is she can write a speech for another guy when I have never gotten a birthday card or a letter while she was in rehab and planning a date to be with me is the hard thing to do. I know I shouldnt look at it like that. She is doing wonderful things for us and at home now which is nice and she does try to make time for me when she can. I would like to be asked by her to go on a date or be asked to join her with her NA group outing and meet her new friends (she did introduce one to me so she is making this effort). I would like to be involved a little with her new life not all of it. I know it cant be easy for her to open about somethings when I am around everyone needs their time. I have quit everything too I am not drinking or drugging so I wouldnt mind hearing she is proud of me for doing that.  Mostly I miss her coming onto me affectionately or saying something like Im so happy to see you tonight is our night. I can let them deal with their own problems for tonight. Lets spend time together I miss you too. I feel somedays she is working so hard on these peoples issues more than her own personal life (although she explains it benefits both of them) and it's not helping us get closer. She told me once after rehab that most of our relationship was spent parting and not really getting to know each other and this really stuck with me. When I look at it a lot of our time together did revolve around this, but I still felt a strong connection to her regardless. I want nothing more than to start a new life without it and build it stronger than it was. Its hard to compete when your spouse is so involved in being with others and her family is left out. I know they say in NA that recovery comes first, but what they also dont do is try to get the addict to gradually be more involved in real life teach them that they are doing great and maybe you should put some more of your effort into your personal life again (maybe they do and its early for us). We are the ones that have loved her for 18+ years before she went into treatment we are the ones who got her the help and stayed by her side and she still is keeping us away by spending more time with the new people she has only met 5 months ago. I really am trying to understand her side and be happy for her. Its not like I am not trying to understand her side either. Maybe I dont understand how it works. One thing she did say to me that made me feel great and Ive only heard it once was she told me that she couldnt do it without me. I try to remember her saying this to me every time I feel left out. This is where I am today and it is a really shitty place to be. One hand all you want is for her to be happy and clean and the other youre stuck here waiting for your wife you want to spend time with. You know its only going to get more distant when she goes out every week in person to meetings and is gone for the whole night maybe multiple nights week. Right now its hard enough while she is online at home doing these meetings. I think that maybe she will just walk away from me because she met someone in group who she really connects with. I know I cant let my happiness depend on her solely and I need to start to cultivate other friendships and this is why Im here.  I can tell she is trying hard to make effort for both recovery and me and it cant be easy and I commend her for it, but somedays I feel like Im going to be left behind for one of her guy friends in group. Love to hear someone else's point of view.

I will try.
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