Ben,
I have come to understand that I am capable of being addicted not only to chemicals, but to anything that I can use to think I am in control of my feelings, my life's circumstances, and the way I perceive myself. I tend to use behaviors to re-enforce how I have always believed I should see myself. All behavior has a payoff, and the payoff does not have to be something pleasant, just a familiar feeling.

My self-perceptions were formed when I was very young and they continue to this day, except for the ones I have identified through the 4th & 5th steps.

One of MY character defects (a core belief) is the belief that I am unloveable, unless I earn that love. Therefore I became a people pleaser, putting others needs ahead of my own, in the hope of "earning" love. This usually involved trying to rescue "damsels in distress", because they seemed most likely to accept someone earning their love by making them "safe." This is a behavior that I learned very early in my life, and while it seemed to work in the family I grew up in, it really doesn't work out in the real world. Because of the choices of female friendships I learned to make when I was young, I continually picked females who were in perpetual need of rescue, making me feel needed and useful, re-enforcing my behavior and my core belief that I needed to earn love, because I was unloveable without earning their love. And I always ended up thinking that there was more that I needed to do, that I had failed, because they were in perpetual need of rescue; a role they learned to play out when they were young.

I guess where I am going is that you need to examine where this defect of character comes from, what feeling you always end up with, and what core belief that your behavior re-enforces. A feeling that you always end up with is the payoff for the behavior, re-enforcing that behavior. Once you understand where this defect comes from, it becomes yours to examine and to change, if that is what you need to do.

I would strongly suggest that you find a sponsor to share this stuff with, someone who has sorted out their character defects, and has changed them into something more positive. Into something that is healthy, instead of self-destructive and self-defeating. See steps 4-7, are you entirely willing to give this stuff up? How miserable do you need to be to give it up?

It boils down to deciding that you don't wish to feel guilt and shame for your actions anymore, despite having lived that way in the past. Recovery is about doing healthy things, not living in our defects of character. I will warn you ahead of time that when you do something healthy for the first time you will be uncomfortable, the second time will be not quite so uncomfortable, and repeatedly doing the healthy thing will eventually become a new way of life.

I know it seems like a lot of work, but the work is easier than living in the old way. Recovery is about not doing the old stuff that makes you want to use. If all we had to do to recover is not to pick up the drug, then everyone would be able to walk out of detox and never even think of using again.

It's worth it, and so are you.
Lon