I am a 41 year old woman who realizes she suffers from addiction. My mothers side suffers from drug/alcohol addiction. My dad's side has anxiety/depression/Bipolar disorder. My sister is a recovering heroin user. I am so proud she is well now. I was so ashamed to admit this to anyone including myself for I am a professional nurse who is living the American Dream. I do not steal meds from my pts. That is horrible and I won't do that. I get my Ambien and vicodin (meds I am addicted to) through my doctor and psychiatrist legally. I have never gone to the street...that isn't me. I have never done drugs-never tried. The only thing I ever tried was pot when I was a teen. I have never done anything illegal. I do have Anxiety/Depression and I am on meds for this. My father suffers from severe Bipolar disorder and I have wondered if I do too and that is why I count on meds to make me feel good. I count on these meds to relax me and cope each day. I panic when I run out and wait patiently for my next scripts. In between I do not have meds and I am ok. But then I get compulsive again and sadly fill my scripts. I sadly admit to abusing them by taking more at a time for feeling good. This all started after I got married in 2011. It started with Ambien to help me sleep for my hubbie and I moved in with his parents and it was difficult for me who was always independent and took care of herself. I loved the old me! I looked good and felt great about myself. I lived life to the fullest. Then this nightmare began. I used to be big into exercise. I don't know the person I have become. I have gotten fat :(. I keep to myself and feel isolated. I don't do the things I used to do and I hate it. I am thankful I have a supportive hubbie. I finally admitted this to him after to myself. He is finally happy I admitted this to myself. He knew all along. I have a beautiful home and a second small home 4 hours away. My husband and are proud of what we have. We do not have children. Prior to our marriage, I lived on my own for 10 years in an apartment. I was always independent never having to count on anyone. I loved who I was. I loved to run and was healthy and happy...Today I am 50 pounds heavier with no drive while I am on the pills. Sadly I am addicted to certain pills in general. I go from Ambien to Vicodin back to Ambien for they are prescribed to me. I have to have anything that is mind-altering. This started 5 years ago after I got married at 36 y.o. I loved the person I was and not the me who I have come to know.
I finally decided I needed help when I took half my Vicodin in 1 day (12-14 pills) and felt I almost overdosed. I had trouble breathing and it was scary. As of yesterday at 800 am I am clean (36 hrs). I don't have anymore pills. This is freaking me out at times today. I prayed to God to help me. He has I think for I don't feel all that bad..a lil nausea. I am ashamed to admit I called Walgreens to see If I could fill my last 4 ambien pills-too soon. I felt compulsive again.
What has happened to me? Is there any hope? Is it true major life changes can cause addiction? I was actually glad they would not fill those pills because I would be right where I started.
...welcome to NA ,, it's definitely a great thing that you've taken step one and admitted you have a problem with drugs.
It's always highly recommended that you find a meeting and reach out and share with other addicts in person. I'd also recommend you talk to your doctors about your issue,, and make sure it's okay to go cold turkey like you are, or whether it's best to taper off,,I dunno.
All the best,, and keep with it!
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
PF.... Meds get prescribed to fill a perceived need, sometimes this works,,sometimes not.
When we find ourselves getting out of control, needing more ,,,and MORE....it's clearly a sign that the meds maybe aren't the best way to solve the original issues that got you there in the first place.
You bring up a number of issues you're dealing with in your life, almost pointing at some changes you might make. Often the answer lays in the question! I hope you find your right balance.
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Thank you so much. How do you get through the first few days without meds? I am so ashamed I feel I cant tell anyone else.. including my doctors :(
...awww gawrsh...for myself,, I found a HUGE relief to share my powerlessness with others,, you probably felt some of this when you told your hubby. Share the same with other addicts who very much know what you're dealing with and it's a tenfold releif,,,, and you have a set of phone numbers from a meeting so you can call someone to help you through.
..there's nothing more thoroughly therapeutic than one addict helping another
meetings do have anonymity,, you might get a friendly 'hi' on the street from someone,, but the principles of anonymity are pretty serious.
......in my opinion, it's a huge 'reservation' you're holding if you don't tell your doctors....you know why
...without fessing up and making a proper plan with the doc,, you're kinda sorta keeping a reserved seat on the train to nowhere
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Hi Mikah,
Thank you so much for your kindness in helping me. Are you able to edit my name out of your first response? That would be great!
You are so right about the train to nowhere..I need the courage to share this with my doctors. Are you able to share your story?
Welcome. A drug is drug, regardless of whether it is legal or illegal, prescribed or not. All drug addictions have similar impacts on our lives. Fortunately, the NA program offers a solution to the problem of drug addiction. I hope you can get to some in-person meetings. You will experience, strength, and hope there.
You've asked several questions there, and I won't pretend we can answer them in a paragraph or two.
What we do is stop using, go to meetings, get honest, and work the steps. In the beginning it's all about trying to get to honesty, open-mindness, and willingness.
I congratulate you for recognizing the problem (it's us more so then the drugs), admitting it to yourself, and your husband!!!
You really sound desperate. And remember that's a gift, the Gift of Desperation!! We would never get better unless we got so out of whack that we KNEW we couldn't keep going they way we always have.
How to get clean is a struggle unto itself. I remind myself I was POWERLESS over my using, and I couldn't get myself clean. I had to ASK for help! And if I was powerless, then any thought of a 'controlled' usage was impossible. I CAN'T TAKE JUST NE EVER AGAIN !
Should you tell your Doctors? I would say yes. AND I would NOT tell your employer, not yet anyway.
As for the condition of Bi Polar disorder, I could talk for pages. It's what I became, and i fought the diagnosis when a shrink
diagnosed me. We say that for mental health issues you should go to a professional for help. I take seroquil and it helps
immensely....but many people can't take it.
What I can say is that by being honest, open minded and willing, I was able to confront my condition and improve.
Our disease can't be cured, but it can be ARRESTED, and then recovery IS possible. Never have we seen a person fail who thoroughly follows our path!!
blessed BE!! 
