Happy Valentine's Day to you too Raman,
Not an iota of self-pity you say? I too understand that I no longer have to determine how I am feeling through the act of comparing myself to others. At about 5 years clean I almost relapsed on New Years Eve, because I was feeling alone and feeling sorry for myself, about the worst feeling I can experience. About three years before that I had worked through some painful relationship issues with my sponsor, and thought that I was good to go, that the problem had been solved. As 2000 was getting ready to turn into 2001 I fell into a lonely spot, and started to compare myself to where I thought others were in their relationships. I was on my way to a local NA dance, and ended up stopping in a liquor store parking lot, and after sitting in my car for 5 or 10 minutes, went inside and purchased a bottle of whiskey. I then decided that I was still going to go to the dance and I could get drunk afterward if I still felt the same. As soon as my sponsor laid eyes on me he asked what was wrong. Eventually he used one of his sayings on me for the first time; "This too shall pass, but it might feel like you are passing a kidney stone." Yes it hurts like hell to pass a kidney stone, but not badly enough to kill yourself over! By the time the dance was over I didn't feel anywhere near perfect, but I had lost the desire to get drunk.

It's kind of funny; when we come into the rooms of NA we think the problem is dope, after a while we think the problem is us, and eventually get to the point where we realize that the problem is how we see ourselves, and how we look at the world. I didn't know how to love anyone when I came into the rooms of NA, mainly because I could not love myself. How can you have a healthy relationship with someone else when you do not know how to have a good relationship with yourself? It took quite a while for me to make amends to myself, and a lot of pain to become willing to think I needed to make those amends.

I think we all have the "hole in the soul" when we get to these rooms. It heals when we quit fooling with the hole and let it heal. Just like a hole in your arm, if you keep stuffing crap into the hole hoping it will heal, it will never get better. When we quit trying to heal our soul by filling it with dope, with people, with things, and with other sick behaviors, the soul also heals.

A long post, I know, but thanks for reminding me Raman!

Lon