Hi. I had...yes HAD 23yrs. I don't consider the last 3yrs anything but relaxed and casual white knuckling it. But for many many years I was VERY active. Started meetings, chaired, sponsored, had a sponsor...
So I now have 18 months and I am a little tired of the repeated stories of long term clean time never being able to make it back. I know why most of us kill ourselves. There are many reasons. Not the lease of them, this line "Well, if you relapsed you were never in recovery", or "You picked up, you are at zero. If we want to know how to use we will ask you." Don't get me wrong, I know to a very large extent I must put the past in the past and move on as best as I can. I don't talk about it unless the subject is brought up by someone else. I don't think I deserve a multi-decade chip. I HAVE 18 months. To be told to "forget what you had. You are a newcomer. Cotton out of ears, put it into your mouth.
What I want know is what is the driving force behind "no value for past recovery... oops, sorry, I wasn't IN recovery. A 20yr "Clean and Crazy". The founding fellowship would say I was a Dry Drunk for 20 years? I am 51. I have not done much of anything for most of my life. I dedicated myself to recovery... I am now told that the most valuable thing I did... all the people I helped, and the things that I did for the program and I am at ZERO?
What is the driving force behind this attitude of "You relapse, you were never in recovery." How can anyone be expected to FORGET half of their life? For me the only thing of value I have done in my life. So I am, as I said, 51 and I am supposed to "forget" my hole life.
The central trama of my life is that I shat on my life and flushed the time down the crapper. I need to help people and I would love to hear that I have value and that it would be bad to forget.
Any comments will be read and considered. I don't know when I will be out of "life ending danger" but I am not there yet.
-- Edited by FallenPredecessor on Saturday 1st of November 2014 10:39:01 PM
Don't hurt yourself , you can get back what you lost , it takes a lot to admit a relapse . I know a fellow who had twenty one years clean and relapsed , he told me it was hard to go back to a meeting at first .
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....hi there 'newby'...not sure what to call you other than that--you don't sound like no fallen predecessor t'me!.....to me,,just for today,,,you sound like an inspiration--not only for the time you made,,,,,but also the HUGE humility you show for coming back after blowing those years out the door ........I wish I had 2% of your humility--really!
....I'm not the only one who'se faced returning to NA after a relapse..it takes courage and swallowing pride.,,,humble pie indeed!!....I personally can't think of a bigger display of courage than what you've done,,period.
....I don't know if those thoughts-of-others you talk about are literal ,,or whether you're being hard on yourself (which you clearly are!),,but you've been around to know the deal---you're there for that one person who's inspired by your humility and strength,,,,today that is myself and I thank you a LOT,,,,,tomorrow it will be someone else.
....If you really are having some existential issues today,,,be SURE to do the right next step....just like any person with any time in recovery--CALL SOMEONE,,,sponsor,,,helpline ,,meeting,,,crisis line....I KNOW you'll find your place on the planet!
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...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Thanks guys. I just got back from a meeting. My home group meets 7 nights a week. Huge blessing. I know I am the only one I am ultimately accountable to other that HP. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done and may ever do. I had very little hope of making it this far but I really thought if I COULD make it this far, I would feel better than I do. Don't get me wrong, every day isn't a struggle for sure, but man... when those hard days show up. I mean I swear, my mom's death, dad's death, death of 2 sponsors... none of those has been as hard as this. If anyone knows anyone who had a long long time and blew it....THEN RETURNED (I have heard all of the 'they came back, couldn't take it and eat a bullet' stories I need for a life time) but if anyone has made it back and come to peace with it all, please post. Please as around if you are not one of this type.
I try to focus on the similarities, I know this is key, but I have no one to relate to about this. No one at my group of even in the hole 'Area' has been through this. It's like this: a few months ago we has an 'ask it basket' kind of Celebration speaker. It was going to be 3 or 4 speakers and new comers suggested topics. The first guy out of the get was a one tagger. I mean God bless him, he never needed more than one tag, so great... but he drew "RELAPSE, getting back and staying back" was as his topic )no I did not suggest it). He said he was a one tagger, then processed to say things like "relapsers are taking the chickens way out." This dude, 15yrs, had no more clue what it's like to relapse and come back than a non-addict can understand being an addict.
I need to fine others like me. I can not be the oldest relapser who is fighting to get back on track. Someone knows someone. Oh, sorry, My name is Rick and I AM an addict.
Hello Rick Welcome back..Congrats on 18 months I am an addict named Mike......
You know the drill,,what are you doing differently this time back? Im sure you have heard it a million times,clean time doesn't equal recovery.You have stated the last 3 years were not locked in the solution(so to say)Remember you have a lot of ESH to share and giving back and helping others who are still suffering is a key to our daily recoveries..I am glad you made it back,,many of my posse didn't..Don't beat yourself up,move forward....like our readings tells us "after a member has had some involvement in our Fellowship,a relapse may be the jarring experience that brings about a more rigorous application of the program"No one but you,and that Power greater than yourself, know the depth and sincerity of your personal recovery,,I could only suggest not letting others statements or sayings or words deter you from remaing free of active addiction One Day at a time....WE also remember that on any given day clean time can be one of our greatest assets and that each day WE are all newcomers to the day.The most important thing is you are clean today and will work this day until it is gone and begin again if you are graced with another...I will lift you up in prayer and support..WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN RECOVERIES,,thank you for the Help today,,it re-enforces my determination to do the work ,trust in the God of my own understanding and continually ,day by day apply the solution of our Steps in all areas of my life.. You have much to give,,pay it forward,,,WE can carry the message of HOPE and the promise of freedom by our actions as they become stronger than any words could ever be....Peace man....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Thanks guys. I just got back from a meeting. My home group meets 7 nights a week. Huge blessing. I know I am the only one I am ultimately accountable to other that HP. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done and may ever do. I had very little hope of making it this far but I really thought if I COULD make it this far, I would feel better than I do. Don't get me wrong, every day isn't a struggle for sure, but man... when those hard days show up. I mean I swear, my mom's death, dad's death, death of 2 sponsors... none of those has been as hard as this. ..............
I need to fine others like me. I can not be the oldest relapser who is fighting to get back on track. Someone knows someone. Oh, sorry, My name is Rick and I AM an addict.
....glad you made your homegroup Rick....it may be that you get the record for biggest cleantime 'fail' or something-who knows,,and who's counting?...but the book I'm interested to read is the success you create from this challenge--MUCH more interesting than the guy who stayed clean a 24th year,,,or the guy who offed himself 'cause he was worried what others would think!
__________________
...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
Congratulations on your 18 months. Every day clean is a gift, whether you have 18 days, months or years in succession.
I don't believe your previous time in the program means nothing.
You can draw on that experience. You must have been doing something right for a while if you stayed clean for so long.
But, as you said, you must remain humble and not pretend to have more clean time that you really do.
Keep coming back!
My name is Angel and I'm an addict. I relapsed after seven years clean and was out there for another seven years. In May, I celebrated twenty-two years continuous clean time.
It has been my experience that recovery from addiction is a bit like a trampoline: the lower you go, the higher you can soar. A relapse after a period of long term clean time has the potential to bring us mighty low. I am very grateful for my relapse today. Honestly, I would have been living a life of mediocrity masquerading as 'happy' had I never gone back out. It was a gift. Please accept it.
Hi Rick, WELCOME! Congratulations on 18 months Clean AND KUDOS for having the guts coming BACK! My name's Mike I'm a grateful Recovering Addict with 33 years One Day at a Time Clean from ACTIVE addiction by the Grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God through the power of NA.
About five years ago I was in a deep depression. Because of my belief system suicide wasn't an option. I hadn't been to a meeting in a number of years. For a number of years the hustle and bustle of Life, challenges of running a small business during a recession etc. I had gotten out of spiritual balance. I didn't pick up mainly because I believed while I was a street survivor and likely could still survive out there simply would have lived the rest of my life in abject misery and degradation. I have my doubts I would have had the courage you did to return to NA.
I reconnected with my Higher Power. Instead of picking up I picked up my old in pristine condition Red 1st Edition Basic Text and starting reading again from cover to cover. I hit a meeting. I found this place and made it a habit of starting EVERY morning here and continue that habit to this day. When I was done reading through I did something that surprised the heck out of my wife. I gave away my collectors edition Basic Text. In order to keep what I had I had to give it away. No regrets to this day, it helped pull me out and stay out of the depression that was threatening to destroy me.
Keep Coming Back! We have a cunning and baffling disease for which there is no known cure. However One Day at a Time Recovery is possible the NA Way.
Edit: Forgot to mention I too am a retread. Had a couple years clean back in the 70s and went back out for 3 or 4 years. Crawled back hitting 2 & 3 meetings a day every day LOADED before and after every meeting when the Miracle Happened and the great weight was lifted from my being, been Clean since 11/27/80.
-- Edited by Mike M on Monday 18th of August 2014 10:28:16 AM
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I relapsed off an on for 20 years before finally getting 5 years and relapsed again, different story then yours rick, your fortunate to have had all those years clean, I was 38 when i got the 5 years, i stayed out not long and came back just got 7 year versary recently I am 52 almost 53 now so in 12 years ive used little, think of my shame allll those years trying to get this god damned thing, sooo much shame!!!!!.
I look at my recovery and like angel said its a trampoline, up n down, I just dont use today sometimes that all my recovery is but behind that is much more, a spiritual journey seeking fighting surrendering, crying a lot sometimes LOL mental illness, im dealing with a mess at times, we're all to some degree mentally ill, well thats another programs opinion and to some degree i believe it :)
If it helps focus on yourself not how others might see you and judge you and be your own judge and commune with your higher power on a personal level that only the two of you understand, whats important is your back and find the errors or lack of, whatever you need to call it, this is a daily thing, day by day year by year walking, trudging the road at times and stumbling, we are humans doooomed to fail and maybe succeed and die clean...THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR HELPING MORE THEN YOU KNOW
I am feeling a lot better than I was back when I first posted here. I am now honored to be acting H & I chairman for my Area. I take an H & I meeting into a local facility every week. I have 3 sponsees and am actively working my step 4 ... again Can you ever do enough inventory work? I want to thank all of you.
I am feeling a lot better than I was back when I first posted here. I am now honored to be acting H & I chairman for my Area. I take an H & I meeting into a local facility every week. I have 3 sponsees and am actively working my step 4 ... again Can you ever do enough inventory work? I want to thank all of you.
Whether a formal 4th or continuous 10th I can only know who I am and where I'm going through inventory of self. Pluses as well as minuses, of which there are always both.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Excellent great to see you in a good space....STEPS are never finished ,,I have done STEPS over and over but most importantly the "application daily"keeps me teachable and able to see myself coming in rapid time...There is not a day ,my eyes are gracefully opened and before I leave my bed I mentally instill our 3rd/11th Steps and focus as I rise to ensure I reach there in all things in all situations....There is that Peace ,for me, that surpasses all understanding.....I stumble and fall,,,but continually rise back up.....Be blessed Rick,,,pay it forward......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
You never lost the 23 years, it was gift, now you have 24.5, just not consecutively, who gives a shit about that. Time is a man made concept that generally just causes stress. Live life to the fullest each day, be grateful, help others, rest easy that you've done your higher power's will. And welcome to the board, we're all family in here, stick around.
I'm still a young'un in recovery, 15 months and 15 days, but who's counting. ME! So grateful... And it wasn't because I hadn't been introduced at an earlier time. I just wasn't ready to surrender. I've heard it many ways. I heard an old timer who went back out after 25 years say, " I had the years, but I lost the day. " That made sense to me somehow. If I only get a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition, then all I ever will have is today. I don't think I ever really lose the memories made during years of sobriety, the friends, the people I've helped along the way. I can't have the mornings I didn't wake up in withdrawal repossessed, the vacations I was able to fully participate in because I wasnn't constantly worried about the next "high" or running out 2000 miles away from my comfort zone. Used to be, if I couldn't take my drugs, I didn't go. It's not that way today. I believe that if you relapse, you just lose the illusion of being an "old timer" and the status that brings. That's ego... People in NA/AA assign that status to old timers, not the God of my understanding or the program. My God thinks I rock as a newborn baby in recovery!!! Certain things improve the longer I stay sober, like my damaged brain. My work ethic and motivation. Family relationships are improving constantly, etc... And those are things mankind can't really adequately hang a status symbol on. Still, they are things I'd like to "hold on" to.
I'm still a young'un in recovery, 15 months and 15 days, but who's counting. ME! So grateful... And it wasn't because I hadn't been introduced at an earlier time. I just wasn't ready to surrender. I've heard it many ways. I heard an old timer who went back out after 25 years say, " I had the years, but I lost the day. " That made sense to me somehow. If I only get a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition, then all I ever will have is today. I don't think I ever really lose the memories made during years of sobriety, the friends, the people I've helped along the way. I can't have the mornings I didn't wake up in withdrawal repossessed, the vacations I was able to fully participate in because I wasnn't constantly worried about the next "high" or running out 2000 miles away from my comfort zone. Used to be, if I couldn't take my drugs, I didn't go. It's not that way today. I believe that if you relapse, you just lose the illusion of being an "old timer" and the status that brings. That's ego... People in NA/AA assign that status to old timers, not the God of my understanding or the program. My God thinks I rock as a newborn baby in recovery!!! Certain things improve the longer I stay sober, like my damaged brain. My work ethic and motivation. Family relationships are improving constantly, etc... And those are things mankind can't really adequately hang a status symbol on. Still, they are things I'd like to "hold on" to.
beautiful words Persephone,,,you somehow put the cosmos in a nutshell.... Welcome to NAMB!
__________________
...gawd,,,please don't let me -ever- forget why I came here in the first place!!(my 'senility' prayer)
I'm still a young'un in recovery, 15 months and 15 days, but who's counting. ME! So grateful... And it wasn't because I hadn't been introduced at an earlier time. I just wasn't ready to surrender. I've heard it many ways. I heard an old timer who went back out after 25 years say, " I had the years, but I lost the day. " That made sense to me somehow. If I only get a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition, then all I ever will have is today. I don't think I ever really lose the memories made during years of sobriety, the friends, the people I've helped along the way. I can't have the mornings I didn't wake up in withdrawal repossessed, the vacations I was able to fully participate in because I wasnn't constantly worried about the next "high" or running out 2000 miles away from my comfort zone. Used to be, if I couldn't take my drugs, I didn't go. It's not that way today. I believe that if you relapse, you just lose the illusion of being an "old timer" and the status that brings. That's ego... People in NA/AA assign that status to old timers, not the God of my understanding or the program. My God thinks I rock as a newborn baby in recovery!!! Certain things improve the longer I stay sober, like my damaged brain. My work ethic and motivation. Family relationships are improving constantly, etc... And those are things mankind can't really adequately hang a status symbol on. Still, they are things I'd like to "hold on" to.
beautiful words Persephone,,,you somehow put the cosmos in a nutshell.... Welcome to NAMB!
...but the book I'm interested to read is the success you create from this challenge--MUCH more interesting than the guy who stayed clean a 24th year,,,or the guy who offed himself 'cause he was worried what others would think!
Can you ever do enough inventory work? I want to thank all of you.
Time is a man made concept that generally just causes stress. Live life to the fullest each day, be grateful, help others, rest easy that you've done your higher power's will. And welcome to the board, we're all family in here, stick around.
