Hello everyone. My name is Michelle and I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. I live in central Texas and have a little over 4 years of recovery. This is the longest I have ever been sober for this long. I have had recovery before, but never this long. It is truly a miracle. It is not always easy though because I still get these little bits of insanity in my life where I want to talk to an exboyfriend who I think is not doing all that well or want to go places that are not in my best interest. I believe this is my disease talking to me...trying to call me out. It knows I am coming up on 5 years. It knows just how to get to me. I don't like it, but it is a FACT of my life today. I am glad I found this site. I still attend meetings 2-3 a week. I do have women in my life to talk to, but I have always feel a little different, even though I know this is my disease as well. I feel comfortable with those who I know Probably won't hold me accountable for things I say or do. I know this is my disease as well. Recovery for me is a journey. I feel as though I fight it still, but I believe this is the nature of the disease as well....to be in direct opposition of my Higher Power. I wish I didn't have to think about it anymore, that is wasn't an issue anymore, but I know it will be for the rest of my life. I guess I need to hear that others can relate to me as well. I feel judged, as if I'm not doing everything I need to do. That what I do is not = to what others do. Can anyone relate to this?
Welcome. I'm an addict named Bob and I know how you feel. Somedays I feel alone in a room full of fellow addicts. I know it my disease still working on me. You know how we say we're never cured our disease is just arrested, well my disease is a 600 lb gorilla and it's in prison and it's out in the yard lifting weights getting strong wait for me to slip, sometimes it makes collect calls telling me things will be different if I give it another chance. I hang up say f u and go to a meeting or call another addict cause I need to keep my recovery strong or the 600 lb gorilla will escape from his prison and life will be worse then before I got clean. Take care. Bob.
HI! Welcome to the message board. I have almost 16 months clean and I know my disease very well. It wants me dead and if it can't have that, it will settle for misery and pain in the moment. I can understand what you mean. Some say the disease creeps in....My disease kicks in the door and is like " HELLLOOO...Im here! Now deal with me!!" (most of the time) I usually know what is disease thinking but that doesn not always metter. Knowing can't change my feelings and all I have to do is Not use and ride out the feelings. Feelings suck a lot of times but they always pass! Keep coming, we need you!
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
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Danielle 10-14-04
"Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise"
Glad you are here Michelle, I think the best judge of how well you are doing is by measuring how you feel. If we are not acting out on our defects of character, are satisfied with the choices we have made today, our behavior today and feel comfortable in our skin, we are doing OK.
I do believe that it is important to have someone to be honest with, whose jucgement we trust, to hold us accountable. In a word, a sponsor, someone we can share what is going on with our lives with. I do have fear sometimes of how my sponsor will react when I tell him what is going on in my head or what I have done today, but the fear has never been justified, and the courage to speak up despite my fear of judgement has proven to be valuable in getting and maintaining recovery.
Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
I can identify feelings here,,, im from real far away India,,,,third world,,, alien land etc etc etc,,,,
but the great thing is being in this World Wide Fellowship nigh on 18 and a half years has shown me one thing i call the Truth ,,
and that is that there are no strangers in NA,,, only friends I havent met,,,
tell me if im wrong,, but are you feeling low about your own self,, but in order to avoid that,, projecting it onto others !!!????
If im wrong about you,, then its cause im projecting too, but ifn im correct,,, then we have a common problem,,
,,, I think what were talking here is low self esteem,, one sure way for the disease to act is when were feeling down,,,
like me,, im a musician,,, and my disease is that,,,, DIS-EASE !!!
take last nite at that relatively clean concert,, stage show for about 6000 people,,, very appreciative,,working class folks that are very open with feelings,,, they love to be entertained,,
im playing my sax ,, getting lots of appreciation,, being talked about by the show hosts in very favourable terms,,,, the shows being beamed on tv across about 100000 people in homes in the locality,,great action to be in the centre of,,
yet there I am,,, feeling like im not worth it !!!
i didnt even say thanks for their claps,,,the comperes were doing that !!
why i still havent figured !!!
heres another=
nite before last,,, there i was playing a different show,, a select gathering of the top people in the city,,, corporate ceo level folks,, about 60 couples from all over the world who are now living in Bangalore !!!
They love my music,, they applaud,, they congrajulate and pay me well,,,, but there i am ,,,
not taking advantage of being there and being more friendly etc !!!
I could have given out more cards,,, i could have at least said good nite to more folks, thereby maintaining better PR,,, but there i was,,, being low self esteemed,,,,
my first impulse is to blame others,,, but like it says in the Text=
" WE CAN NO LONGER BLAME PEOPLE,PLACES AND THINGS FOR OUR ADICTION;WE HAVE TO FACE OUR FEELINGS AND OUR PROBLEMS"
Going further,,, i take it as I can no longer blame others for me low self esteem,, im responsible !!!
And Id like to share with you that the only way to healthy sense of self is to do worthy acts !!!!
Joy to you in your daily life,,,
May The Blessings be !!!
Clean and serene just for today
in the 12 Step Traditon !!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thank you to all who responded to my post. Yes, I definately have low self-esteem. I have struggled with it for a long time...most of my life. I write good things about myself, but I sometimes still don't feel that great about myself. I pray and ask God to help remove my low slf esteem, but it is still with me. I don't understand why. Even about the time I started using it was mainly because I always felt inferior to Joe Schmo because of the things they had were better, in my eyes. It hurts me a lot that I feel not "as good." I will start getting down on myslef for not feeling good about myself. As far as doing worthy acts. I believe that I do. At least I don't do the things I used to do. Where I go wrong is comparing my insides to others outsides and that is where I screw myself over. It seems as if I then think that it's "them" against me and this is unrealistic thinking. I do appreciate all of what you have said. I hate fighting my low self-esteem. I just need to stay sober and "This too shall pass." Lord willing.
I will talk with my sponsor and keep praying and stay sober.
My sponsor used to insist,,, and i was irritated no end then , but i now appreciate the wisdom when he corrected me and said,, that true worthy acts can starat with doing good things for myself,, but thats not the end,, I need to carry this to others,,, in fact i was told and did practice the action on a daily basis,, of doing at least two acts of esteem each day,, and that too conciously !! that was the turning point for me,, and now ill happily say that low self esteem is a very unwelcome and rare visitor,,, usually comes a calling when i get too greedy,, hurried etc !! seems like the more i do these good acts,, conciously,, i get aware that theres totally different and new and great aspects to my self,, that which i never knew existed,,, this again relates to dissolving the old character and its says in the TEXT 9which im not quoting ad verbatim)..,,,, that we tend to see our past behaviour as our selves ,, but this is not so,, my addiction and my TRUE SELF,, are two very different things,, totally seperate from one another !!! many a time,,, in my recovery,, when the issue did need resolving finally,,, i came to a point of choiceless awareness,,, thats when i surrendered and let it pass,, i need to identify and be willing to let go of the things that cause ne to feel bad about myself in the first place !!! then ive learnt new behaviour in those particular circumstances where these defects would surface,,,, its a long drawn,daily process,, but i love it,, I LIVE TO LOVE AND LOVE TO LIVE THE NA WAY !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Confused wrote: Everyone talks about how bad disease is but in my case my recent ex addict seems happy. content, everything going well
My guess is your ex hasn't hit bottom yet. If it wasn't fun in the beginning none of us would have started using. The disease of addiction progresses until it takes over our lives, "We lived to use and used to live" I had an addict friend who never found recovery, for the last 20 years of his life he looked like death warmed over but always talked that he had it going on even when he was living under a bridge. It wasn't until his health failed him and he was on his deathsbed did he express regret for wasting his life. It doesn't have to be that way there is a solution. Bob.
HI! Welcome to the message board. I have almost 16 months clean and I know my disease very well. It wants me dead and if it can't have that, it will settle for misery and pain in the moment. I can understand what you mean. Some say the disease creeps in....My disease kicks in the door and is like " HELLLOOO...Im here! Now deal with me!!" (most of the time) I usually know what is disease thinking but that doesn not always metter. Knowing can't change my feelings and all I have to do is Not use and ride out the feelings. Feelings suck a lot of times but they always pass! Keep coming, we need you!
