Thanks for sharing. The bottom line is you are still clean. You've had a bump in the road but you know what you need to do: get back to meetings. Has anyone actually told you that you're not allowed to attend a meeting? You have the right to be there as much as anyone, so go. The people you knew there may or may not accept what has happened, but you need to go to meetings regardless. I hope you find some serenity again.

Hey Amanda, I can so so so identify with you regarding feeling rejected by those in the rooms. I had been in the rooms for about five years, had gained the respect of others in the rooms who stated that I had good recovery, and people waiting in line for me to Sponsor. During my first few years clean, I had been diagnosed with Leukemia and later had a stroke right smack dab in the middle of the meeting. When the group were saying the serenity prayer, the paramedics were carrying me out. I managed thru the grace of my H.P. to stay clean thru all of this. THEN, about at the five year mark, I introduced a friend to the rooms. Thought the rooms could help them. They used to come over to the house to "Talk Recovery" with me and sometimes watch movies with me as well. We never had any kind of a relationship, just a friendship. Well, they ended up raping me and I had them charged with assault and rape. They acted truly remourseful at that time and when we came to court, they were facing five years in prison. Having been to prison myself, I really didn't believe that Prison rehabilitated anyone so I went into mediation where they pleaded quilty, was ordered to stay away from me, pay a fine and court ordered to therapy for one mandatory year. This person also lives in the complex that I lived in and still does to this day. Now get this, I had been in the rooms for five years and this person was a newcomer. When they found out that I had had that person arrested......they turned their backs on me and gave me the cold shoulder. I felt like a victim all over again! I new that I would find comfort in the storm by going to the meetings and "Feeling the love" but that did not happen. My home group even voted not to allow me to celebrate my 5yr. clean date as I had always done. Talk about a slap in the face. In my mind, I said to myself..."So much for, let us love you till you can love yourself". I got treated better by the people on the streets than I was getting treated by them. It hurt! It hurt real bad and what hurt worse is that I thought that these people believed in me and now when I was hurting the most, no one was there for me. I grew resentful of the people and resentful towards the program of NA. This person who had raped me was going around and bad mouthing me which hurt even worse and people would listen. WE all know that newcomers are not necessairly the most honest people but yet they were willing to belive a newcomer over me. I KNEW that my recovery would only be sustained by me continueing on with the meetings, and working the steps and taht was so hard to do. I didn't even want to go to the meetings, but I knew that my very own life was on the line if I did not. This program is the only thing that has ever helped me to stay clean. I ranted, hollard, screamed, and everything else to my sponsor about the injustice. Here I was sitting with the court documents findings and their confession in my own hands which would have proven that they raped me and I wanted to show those papers to everyone so they would see that I was telling the truth and that they were lying........but I never did. I changed homegroups five times because everytime I would get a new homegroup, this person would find out where I was and then join that homegroup. I got where I could not even share in the rooms anymore but I kept coming and just listened. I kept this pain silently within me accept for my poor Sponsor who heard it all and she got to see the court papers because I needed to know that at least one person in the rooms knew the truth. You know that saying, "Never alone, never again"?! Well I never felt so alone in my life. I considered NA my family and here they were....turning their backs on me, a person who had been victimized and was still being victimized by that person who raped me and now from the people in the rooms as well. So here it is, nearly 8 yrs. later and things have gotten a little bit better ONLY because more people are really starting to see this persons true colors. A few have come and made amends to me for their disbelief but it fell on deaf ears. I was not willing to accept or believe their apologies because it came only after some of them had expierenced the brunt of this persons behavior also.
What I learned from this: The rooms and the people in them can be very cold and hard. The rooms are full of sick people, needing help. People full of judgemental attitudes, hiprococies, fakeness, manipulators, liers, etc. but out of - I'd say, about 300 people total, I found a hand full that were there for me but what I found more than anything was that my H.P. was always with me even when people were not. I did not come into the rooms to make friends, if I made friends....then that was a blessing but I came into the rooms because I didn't know how to live life on life's terms or how to live with or without the use of drugs. The Spirituality of the rooms is what loves us till we can love ourselves....not the people. It is a spiritual program and not all that are there are there to get clean. Some are there because their other half threatens to leave them and take the kids, some are court ordered, etc. I was there for recovery and even tho many shared lots of good sharing, a lot of what they shared, the weren't living. I had to learn to listen to the message and not look at the messanger. The Spirituality of the program used people to speak to me as long as I remained openminded and willing to hear the message. I was forced more or less to lean on a H.P. and to adjust and re-adjust my defination of my H.P. in order to make it work for me. I went up and down like a rollar coaster in my emotions, wanted to leave the program off and on....but I stayed. I stayed! Today, I am stronger because I learned much from this expierence and found the winners in the rooms who really did have good recovery and lived their recovery who were there for me when most of them were not. Many of those who judged me during that time are no longer in the rooms. Sad, and I pray for them wherever they are. I continue to pray for those that harmed me not so much to let them off the hook but to let myself off the hook. Resentments only bring me down and that's a direction I do not want to go.
Your recovery is between you and your H.P. and your Sponsor. Recognize the bad choices that you make and do something different the next time. Forgive yourself and others and no matter what.....don't use, and stay! It will get better!. This program only makes one promise as long as you live the program and that is a daily reprieve from active addiciton. It doesn't promise you that others will like you, be in your corner, won't act like jerks, won't be judgemental....just a daily reprieve from active addiction. Any day clean is definatley better than any day using. Hope this helps!

I've always tried to tell myself what others think of me is none of my concern. It's easier said then accepted!

 

I try NOT to take another's inventory and just do the next right thing.Here in my area we have 34 meetings within driving distance so its not tooo hard for me to get around. You might try to make some meetings outside your area while on the road??

 

-- Edited by Davethewave on Wednesday 27th of November 2013 04:42:48 PM

Thanks everyone for the ES&H! Sorry I couldn't respond, but for whatever reason, I can't post from my cell. :)

Dusty: thank you for sharing your story... I'm speechless! I know it's already gotten better. This happened about a year ago and some have come around. Those who approached me months later, apologizing for their behaviors... boy I wanted to punch them in the face!!! Thank you for pointing out the obvious, that which I continue to overlook... the fact that this program offers only one promise: freedom from active addiction. *smh*

My Soapbox: I've been an active participant of my home group since day one. My current S.O. and his brother shoved me into service at my second meeting, railroading me into the secretary position. :) I didn't know what I was doing, but the group guided me and I went on to hold every position at a group level at one time or another. I was a trusted servant at the area and regional levels, chaired a few camp-outs, brought meetings into the local jail and helped start a prison meeting in a town 3 hours away. I pushed for more meetings in my small town of 13,000. We went from two meetings when I entered the fellowship in 2007 to seven this past year. I devoted my LIFE to the fellowship. And for what?! A big ol slap in the face! Shit in my coffee! :)

Spiritual Shiznit: I can choose to think that way, or I can see myself in them: recognize how I've been judgmental to others. I can put myself in their shoes and remember the times I was insensitive to another person because of their not-so-spiritual choices they made. Today, I have a choice to be the same judgmental bitch or become a part of the solution, showing compassion and love where there was very little of in my life. Meetings are going to be different, yes, but maybe that's what I need. I didn't get clean to make friends... I got clean to "stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way of life." Friendship is merely a perk...

I'm down to the basics. All four of my sponsees got other sponsors. I have my sponsor, who I contact regularly... probably more so than ever before! I've been working steps over this and continue to try and find recovery where I can. I will continue to attend meetings in my hometown, even if it's simply out of curiosity on how things turn out down the road. :) Thanks everyone for your input!!!

Thank you Amanda and Dusty.
You have given me some hope..

Honestly sometime people do things in this recovery that drives me bonkers, the meanenss, thoughtlessness, lack of spirituality makes me wonder how they make it, all i can say is im glad im not them LOL good luck with your new life Amanda hang in there as you are .