We have never seen an addict relapse who throughly "LIVES" the Program! My story is like so many others....I lived to use and used to live. Very simple! Brief History: Both parents addicts. One of five children. We ate depending upon whether they got to the Grocery Store first or the Liquer store first. Father abusive, mother exasperated and lost. At 11yrs. of age, mom committed suicide and dad went to prison for life for various crimes. Sent to foster home after foster home. Never bonded with anyone. A foster family adopted me and one brother when I was 15yrs. old. Never fit in anywhere and was always waiting for the new family to throw me a way. Went to College and became an E.M.T. Felt worthy, finally. Got married for a short spell, had a daughter who was killed by a drunk driver when she was five. Got introduced to pot and it was on. My drug of choice was "MORE" of anything I could get my hands on. I sold my pride, dignity and self-respect for a hit, a smoke, a shot, you name it.....I did it. Lost my job, my license, my family, my home, my friends, my Church and myself. Long run of living on the streets for about 18yrs., and served 14yrs. in Prison between five prison sentences. Used the very day I got out of Prison except the fifth time. I did something different and that was to go to a meeting July12, 2000 and have been clean every since. I was facing a Life sentence if I went back under the "Habitual Criminal Act" and worked the program out of sheer fear of going back to Prison for life....not because I thought that "Drugs" could be the problem. After some time in the rooms, I KNEW that drugs were a major problem but the symptom of a larger problem. I stayed in the Rooms and to date have never had to pick up another White Chip thru the grace of God and making good choices and living the program. Since coming into the Rooms, I have been diagnosed with Leukemia (now in remission) had two strokes, one mild heart-attack, been homeless and penniless. I've had more surgeries than I am old. I live with Lupus and the beginning stages of Parkinson's. And the last wrench thrown into the picture was that about two years ago, I went blind. I've had to learn another new way of living as a blind person. Being sick and going blind has taught me Humility and Grace. I never thought that I needed anyone and being sick has forced me to come out of my shell and to realize that it is okay to need help and to ask for it. I KNOW this Program works as given what I have gone thru since coming into the rooms, I know that I would have used any of these issues as an excuse to use and justify why it was okay. I have really learned the meaning of "Choices" as I do know that using is a choice. From the very first day that we come into a meeting we are given the tools (if we use them) to stay clean 24hrs. a day. Go to meetings, get phone number and use them, get a Sponsor, work the Steps, get involved in Service, pray & meditate, get a H.P. of your understanding. If we utilize the tools that are given to us.....we never have to use again, at least I have come to believe this for myself. I KNOW it Works cuz it has continued to work in my life since 2000.
-- Edited by Dustina ILia on Wednesday 20th of November 2013 10:08:16 AM
WOW Dusty what a road of life you have been on and endured.
I can relate to that one line its just 1 part of the recipe for me i think the biggest thing was i had no power, no hope, i felt imprisoned outside of prison by my addiction, i had no relationship with God and i hated myself and new i was going to die very soon, i simply hated my life and wanted it to change, and i hated fricken prison and God made a deal with me, not me with him. Last time i was in I was in Soledad state and I had an hour with God and we talked, he did a lot of talking to me and he said this was it this was my last time locked up and everything was going to be ok but it was going to be rough, and it was, finishing off that 6 month violation and then getting out and using more and doing more comitting crimes and knew the end was near. Any how things are much better, we all have to go threw what it takes to bring us to our humbled knees and thank God for giving us a chance, thats all we have is a chance, we must be greatful.
Thanks so much for your share, I felt that :)
worked the program out of sheer fear of going back to Prison for life
I soooo relate but for me, I was not afraid to die. I prayed to God and to Satan for one of them to take my life. I became angry at both of them. I guess I was too bad for God and too good for Satan. I felt like I couldn't die as hard as I was trying to. I could handle the Prison life. I just could not handle my freedom to be took away and feared that life sentence. I put myself in harms way so many times hoping that someone would kill me but all I got was beat up, tazed, shot, stabbed, raped and left alive. The sad thing about all of that is that the time I spent being beat up and all took away time from me making money to get my dope. I only cared about the dope. My living skills were reduced to the animal level. I lived in the woods, in abandoned buildings or cars...would sleep every few days, eat out of the dumpsters, bath once in a blue moon, had gotten down from 160 lbs. to 79lbs. and looked like death warmed over. I went from paramedic to prostitute and had no idea how I got there. After awhile I lost hope that even if I got clean....there would be nothing for me. I would not be able to get an apartment as they do a criminal records check, I could not get a job as they do a criminal records check. I knew I would not be able to survive living on the streets....CLEAN. I had 62 Felonies and 5 misdemenors on my record. Who would ever give me a chance. I was homeless right after getting out of prison the fifth time but I went to a meeting this time and lived in the meetings. I then got a room in a boarding house where I was the only female in that house and everyone used...but me. I know that if your focus is to stay clean, you can do that anywhere.....even in a boarding house full of using people. I wouldn't recommend doing it, but if it's all you have available...then you do what you've got to do. I later got a job at a kennel cleaning cages which allowed me to save up money to finally get my own place. Then I got a car and was able to get to more meetings and it went from there. I will never forget the nightmare of the life I lived using, but today.....I am so blessed in so many ways. Mainly because I have finally gotten my dignity, respect and self-worth back. I lost many things in active addiction but have gained far more than I ever imagined....in Recovery.
HI Dustina,
I'm so glad you chose to share your story on a new thread.
Your story proves that any addict can stop using drugs and find a new way to live.
Young women frequently visit this site but then leave after making a post or two.
With you around to share experience, strength, and hope, maybe.....just maybe
some of these troubled young women will hear a message they can relate to.
Thank you so much for sharing.
