My son, as some of you are aware, has been a real pressure point in my sustained sobriety and for some reason I am doing well and feeling the squeeze of my inner demons.
We now know for certain that he has the combined disorders of ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) supplemented with a heaping helping of Anxiety Disorder... yes, its official. After more than 3 years of busting the chops of the medical system we finally received a complete assessment of all that my soon to be 19 year old has been struggling with. Yeah! On his first summary visit after his assessment with the psychiatrist who specializes in adolescents, I was invited in and it was such a relief to see my son actually open up and share with someone other than myself.
That being said, it hasn't changed my son's fractured decision making process in the past month, uggh! To his fortune or maybe misfortune he had a very gentle life lesson in the world of drug dealing and of course my hands are tied because I can't wholly get into my own experiences to correlate the progressive outcomes should he continue along this path... again uggh!
What surprised me most was my reaction... I was almost apathetic and definitely firm in my resolve not to bail him out of his dilemma! In a drunken stupor he lost his wallet or it was stolen, either way, with it went $500 owed to his supplier. Oh well, "deal with it" I said... so he did and although he still owes the money, in whatever timely fashion he desires and before he gets any personal or retail provisions, he was not threatened or beaten down or otherwise made to feel concerned about his actions and I'm afraid the only real thing he learned was that next time he should leave his wallet at home! Don't get me wrong I wouldn't want my precious son to be physically harmed in any manner but uggghhhhhhh! At least use a few expletives and tell him what a dumb a$$ he is!
Well, I'm happy that for the first time ever, I'm completely in tact after one of my son's exhaustive episodes.
Forward I go on my journey out of voluntary madness!
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
Hello and Welcome Kitty! Good to hear from you again.
As you .are also aware from the past that my son now 27 ,put us through 7 years of hard core heroin addiction,jails,institutions,drug courts,TC'S Halfway Houses you name it..Even though I have decades of freedom from my own active drug addiction my recovery was shaken to the core.I did find a lot of help at Nar-Anon(I am also a member) and learning to pay attention to my enabling habits and how to make sure I took care of my own recovery..We had to put our son on the street at his worst,90lbs and $150.00 a day jones..We left him in jail and he detoxed 2x in there cold turkey/Just like us,he had to come to the first STEP and have the emotional acceptance of complete defeat.It was a long road but the HOPE is there with faith in our Higher Powers,the continued daily work in the process of the program and that willingness to remain teachable..I am glad you are allowing the consequences to apply to the behavior.As parents we do tend to forget our own past and try and protect,enable and cause sickness(sometimes even worse than our addicts) to occur if we are not vigilant and working in the Solution,Just a day at a time...I will lift you in prayer,Nar-Anon is a wonderful program also even for addicts wearing both hats..DETACHING WITH LOVE,,,,for a parent that is such a concept to digest but WE think back to our own runs and how it had to happen for us...My son has thanked us for taking the hardest steps we ever had to do,and the HOPE and God's grace is always there.My son is now going on 4 years clean and becoming a responsible member of society and each day we renew our loving and trusting relationship....Be blessed.keep your recovery on top of all things because blotting out the pain by picking up puts us right back on that downbound train to oblivion,I think WE are aware of that...Be blessed and stay strong and as we prayed ourselves to sleep at night we believed 'that this too shall pass.....Peace..
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I can relate. My son has dealt with addiction and mental illness too but is trying to turn things around. He has been going to NA meetings and seems to have some honest, open mindedness, and willingness.
Thanks guys, its really comforting to know that I'm not alone in my challenges.
Mike, putting your son out on the street... I can only imagine how hard something like that must be. I wouldn't want to do that but if he keeps going the way he is I might just be faced with that decision. Sadly my parent's will have a different thought on that but I'm trying to educate them on how negative it is when they enable them financially and they dismiss it as being easier than dealing with his ODD. My son's worst influence, a crack addict and distant family member, has left town which has been a blessing. His two older step-brothers are coming for Christmas. One of the boys has had his fair share of street life, gangs and drugs and at only 20 years old made the decision to do something positive and fruitful with his life and since Christmas last year he's blossomed into this amazing contributing young man just like his bio brother. My son looks up to these two boys so much and I'm hoping it's going to be a great visit.
blessings, kd
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"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
Continue to put faith in your Higher Power,,,continue to remember that WE didn't cause it.we can't control it and WE can't cure it..WE know this from our own evidence.WE each do what we can in our own way and our own time,but you are aware of how bad enabling is in the long run not only putting yourself in jeopardy(the stealing and devastation of monetary incidents that occur,put us in hock and bankruptcy,,,the chance of others involved in that lifestyle wreaking havoc,etc)Take care of your recovery,,,,Hate the illness,but not the one who is ill,,,set boundaries,but more importantly only set ones you will keep and keep them limited(not too many)I will lift you up in prayer and thought,,Yes it would be wonderful if your son would reach the 1st STEP and make it to a meeting in NA,,but it is he that will have to do that.I remember when my son was 14 I brought him to a meeting before he was shooting dope and it just didn't sink in HE WAS NOT READY..With God(of your understanding)you can find that strength to do what you must...Like a lioness who rears their offspring to leave and go into the wild to survive WE as addicts,parents and humans also must let the children fly and spread their wings....PleAse stop by whenever,let us know how you are doing,,YOU Have my PM on my whiteboard if you need to share.WE knowing that our pain shared is our pain lessened...Just For Today,go forward in faith and HOPE...WE remember IF GOD IS FOR US,WHO CAN BE AGAINST US........:)
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Hi Kitty and thanks for sharing your moving story.
You really opened up some deep issues that members here can relate to in very personal ways.
I'm glad you have found some measure of peace.
I hope your son does as well.
Hey Kitty, so very glad that you shared. I KNOW that dealing with a child with addictions has got to be difficult. Although I can not offer you the expierence of being a mother myself, I can share my own expierence. I think that sometimes our parents can love us to much to the point that they cushion our consequences of the choices that we make. I lost my family when I was 11yrs. old and then went into a foster home when I was 15yrs. old to a family that ended up adopting me and my brother. My brother is four years older than I am and had already started well on his way to addiction. Meanwhile, while I did not understand just what adoption meant and that I was now their child and would not be sent back into foster care or the orphanage.....I feared that due to my brothers behavior, that we might get sent back. I liked this family, mainly because they were nice and had money and would buy me anything I wanted and my bedroom alone was bigger than the house I had spent my first 11yrs. in. I tried to make up for my brothers behavior by trying to be the perfect child (to help balance out the negativity my brother was bringing into the picture) by learning manners, being nice, making good grades in school, becoming Valedictorian, and obtaining an athletic scholarship to college. Meanwhile, it seemed to me that no matter how hard I tried to be the "Good little girl" and make them proud of me that my brother kept stealing MY LIMELIGHT from me as they were always busy bailing him out of trouble, jail and the consequences of his actions. I grew resentful of my brother that he was stealing my pats on the back- from my parents because he was constantly taking away their focus on me and seeing how good I was doing. I didn't understand until years later, that my parents did not focus so much on me because I was the good kid and they trusted me to do what I needed to do and that gave them the time they needed to deal with my brothers issues. It was all about my perception, and it was wrong. Where I felt pushed aside and abandoned......it was because they trusted me but all I could see was that my brother was getting all of the attention. Subconsciously I think that I reationalized to myself that in order for me to get the attention that I so desperately saught from them, that I was going to have to be a bad egg and difficult child.....just like my brother, so I started partying - which led me down the road to addiction. I hit that road long and hard and lost everything that I had. Everything! There is no telling how many sleepless nights I put my parents thru worrying about me but this time around, they had learned that what they did for my brother only enabled his behavior and addiction and they were hell bound on making sure that they didn't enable mine, this go round. Of course, I merely saw this as them turning me away...again and I felt that no matter how good I was, it was and would never be good enough. I thought that my parents hated me and I started hating them. I'm sure that it was extremly difficult for them to practice "Tough Love" on me and especially with me being a girl. They definately didn't want to see their daughter out on the street as so much can happen to a girl. They never came to bail me out of jail, they never worked out a plea bargain with a Prosecutor for me, they never paid my bills so that I wouldn't end up homeless and they basically cut all ties with me letting me know that when I was ready to do something different, that they would be there but until then.....I was not welcomed. My God that must have been so difficult for them and on them. At one point, my parents thought that I must be dead as I had disappeared for years and they had no idea where I was. You know, they say that when we get tired of the pain, we WILL do something different and each persons tolerence for pain is different. We we were beaten, we became willing and when we become willing...we begin to change. My tolerence for pain was out of this world and mostly because I believed that I deserved what I got. Five prison sentences later, 18yrs. living on the streets and 14 total years locked up ..... I had finally had enough pain. I KNEW that I was powerless over my addiction but I had no idea what to do about it and had lost hope that I could get clean. The only thing I did different the fifth time after getting out of prison was to go to a meeting and I have been there ever since 2000. There is absolutely no way (but thru the Grace of God) that I should have survived my life on the streets, the elements of the weather, the overdoses or my addiction (I had an $800 - $1200 a day habit) and I fully believe that if it had not been for my parents who allowed me to suffer the consequences of the choices that I was making, that I would have never gotten clean. One may wonder what kind of parents allow their children to suffer like I did but I tell you........it is parents that love their kids. The greatest gift that my parents gave to me was the gift of choice. Of course, I didn't see it as a gift back then, but today...I do. Fortunately, I was able to make amends to my parents and establish a good relationship with them before they passed away but I am grateful for the few short years that I got with them. I tore their world apart, they shed many a tears over me and many sleepless nights but in the end.....I was able to make them proud of me, earn they trust and respect back and had a better relationship than we had ever had. My brother was not so fortunate. It's a tough and painful road that parents have to go down when one of their children are lost and my prayers with be with you as you continue to seek solutions in how you can be of help from a distance for your child and pray for courage, strength and peace for you.
Thank you Dusty, you've really given me a great perspective for my 10 yo daughter who is that good girl, who does well in school and doesn't require the attention my son needs!
I remember how irrational my young mind was and I only wish that my relationship with my parents was not as I perceived it but fortunately I was able to recognize that regardless as to why I turned to drugs in the first place, as an adult I had to take ownership for it and that realization came when I gave birth to my precious baby boy. Maybe there's a little bit of twisted indebtedness I feel for him? Who knows.
For now the good days are more than the bad days with him and having placed him into the hands of HP, I'm able to find a little peace... a little.
Thanks again!
kd
__________________
"The Greatest Possession We Have is The 24 Hours Ahead Of Us"
Yea, we often get knocked in the head with a sence of "Understanding" when it is our turn to be a parent. Then we reflect back to all of the "You'll understand someday when you are a parent" comments made by our parents to us. I was a mother for a short spell but unfortunately my daugter was killed when she was almost six years old by a drunk driver. I learned much about myself, my perceptions and my behaviors during the few short years that I was blessed to have my daughter. I guess we all get a turn, one way or the other.
I understand that you are excited to finally have a diagnoses about what is going on with your son mentally, physically and emotionally but at the same time, do not allow his diagnoses to be an excuse for his behavior either. As the good little addicts that we are, we are good at manipulating things and using any diagnoses to our advantage. Belive me, I was diagnosed with manic depression (now called, Bi-polar), panic attacks, pseudological fantasia, border line personality disorder, PTSD, hysterical personality, and a few others I can't remember and believe me.....my parents were relieved to finally KNOW why I acted the way I acted but at the same time....I used those diagnoses as an advantage for me and an excuse for my behavior and played it as far as it would go. Amazingly, the longer I have stayed clean, worked and learned to live the program, I have gotten healtheir to the point that these medications that these Doctors stated I would be on for the rest of my life, I managed to ween off of them during my 5&6yr. clean and have not been on them since. Now I wonder if I ever had any of these mental disorders or if it is just that my mind and beviors are healthier now due to working, applying and living the program of recovery.
Regardless, with or without mental disorders.....we all need accountability and structure to learn that there are consequences of the choices that we make. That helps us to take and play an active role in the decisions that we make and hopefully become a more healthier person.
Just keep loving your daughter and letting her know that you are proud of her. We all live for those pats on the back until we can learn to give them to ourselves. Allow your H.P. to guide you and show you the way and leave the rest in your H.P. hands. You are there for guidence for your children, but you are not in control. Your H.P. is and it takes, what it takes.
