There is a person who really hurt me a few months ago. She was somewhat of a friend of my husband and I and we tried to help her get back on her feet--we were trying to help a sick and suffering addict like you all tell us. This person went around telling people she was sleeping with my husband. 99% of me doesn't believe it, but the 1% does still fuck with me. I haven't spoken to this girl...I just uninvited her to my wedding (which was in April, right after she starting telling her "tale") and told her not to talk to me anymore. My husband told her not to talk to him anymore. Now, several months later, as I'm still trying to work through this resentment I feel like she's continuing to "poke" at me, not sure if this is her intention. She will still every now and then text or try to call my husband. Her calls are blocked, but the texts are not. He has replied briefly before (for which I bitched him out). But I feel I should finally talk to her and at least in a loving, kind way ask her to stop trying to communicate with him and tell her because I feel hurt by it and disrespected by it.
I do want to say, all 3 of us are in recovery (she claims to be anyway). She is a VERY sick addict, who I definitely believe has some outside issues. But I just want to finally be able to assert myself a little instead of just sweeping it under the rug. I feel I need to confront her, like I said in a loving/kind way. But I want to gather some experience, strength and hope before I move forward.
I have written what I REALLY want to say (unspiritual), what she probably needs to hear (but not from me) and then what I probably should say to her, which is the following "I would really appreciate it if you could please refrain from engaging in any communication or attempt at communication with my husband. I feel disrespected and hurt when you try to contact him. Thank you."
I've talked to a few addicts in my network, my sponsor (of course), I've prayed about it and I've written about it. I guess I'm just trying to exercise all possibilities of info- and experience- and suggestion-gathering that I can.
Does anyone have any suggestions of how I can go about this or even possibly a better way to say what I want to say, which is pretty much don't talk to my husband because it really hurts me and why would you do it in the first place after all that has happened? The last part doesn't need to be in what I end up saying to her, it was just suggested to me to try to emphasize on how it makes me feel and telling her that.
Thank you =)
Sorry this is so long....I just feel like I've prayed about it, talked about it, written about it and waited for some time to go by and I can't quite get to the end. There is still a little hump or something holding me back from really getting all the way to the other side. I feel that telling her what I've said above (sort of asserting myself in the situation) might help me get a little closer to end of this. I will also say that I know I'm powerless over how she reacts and that she may continue to try to contact my husband. I just feel like I need to say my piece considering I haven't talked to her about it.
HI K8 and welcome to MIP.
No doubt about it. NA is full of people who are sick. Not just dope sick, but disturbed and damaged in ways that go beyond active addiction.
It's why we stay in recovery even after the compulsion to use has been lifted by our higher power.
I'm glad that you recognize your powerlessness. I understand wanting to approach this woman and at least trying to get her to stop this behavior.
She will react to your approach in her own way, and either stop or not stop.
The important thing IMHO is how you handle whatever situation comes up.
I'm curious, what did you sponsor say?
Is there are reason why you aren't following her suggestion?
Peace, and let us know how it goes, whatever you decide.
My sponsor says that as long as I go about it in a loving and kind way, then she supports it. She also said to do some writing before I go talk to the girl and of course pray about it. My sponsor, along with other women I've spoken with say that I just need to be in a spirtual place before I go to talk to her which is why I'm continuing to talk, pray and write about it instead of just going to tell her like today (which I really have an impulse to do but I've been told I should probably wait).
I do know that I can't control the girl's reaction. I'm just trying to figure out if it will actually be worth it to me to just feel like I actually put forth something in the situation instead of just sweeping it under the rug like it feels like I've been doing. I don't want to feel like I'm being a door mat, and by not saying anything that's what it feels like I'm doing.
This addict is definitely very sick and needs more help than NA alone can offer. That's another reason why I'm going to people to ask for suggestions...I'm even considering having another woman there who is somewhat neutral (so it's not like I'm trying to gang up on the girl). But I try to think of some woman who we'd both feel somewhat comfortable with and almost everyone in my area has some sort of beef with this girl---she's really sick and it seems like the only way she knows how to function is by hurting other people (and often later acting like nothing happened) and constantly lying. There's also some other stuff that I think she needs to hear that I'd like to say to her, but I don't think it should come from me so I'll refrain from saying that stuff in my conversation with her.
I will say that, through writing, I come to a sort of compassion for the girl on some days. I just wish I could hold on to that and let the anger go.
Cant you bring in the law. ? Arent there legal restrictions that can be placed..
Surely this woman can be classified as an "abusive caller" Just because she is also an NA member dosent mean you shouldnt take legal recourse. Sounds harsh, but maybe just thing to do; you would have assertive (a most important quality to strive for in recovery). Moreover it could be the kind of "awakening" that she needs. !
-- Edited by Raman on Thursday 1st of August 2013 02:23:27 PM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I really admire that you are working so hard to confront a difficult situation with spirituality as your guide.
I truly understand your dilemna. Does being compassionalte mean that we let peopl walk all over us?
Does forgiveness mean that we never stand up for ourselves?
I have struggled with these very issues, and so I can relate to where you are coming from.
I think you have developed a sound plan and are going into this with your eyes wide open.
Yours is a valuable recovery voice.
I hope to hear more from you.
I don't think it's necessary to resort to legal action. She calls and texts a lot less than a few months ago (like a few times a month). She certainly does need some kind of "awakening" but I don't know that I'm the person to give it to her like that.
I'm still trying to decide if I should even bother actually talking to her. I feel like it may satisfy her sickness a little just to know that she's still hurting me. I shared about it vaguely in a meeting (pretty much just that I wanted to confront someone I resent and tell them how I feel) and a bunch of people said I should wait until I'm on my 9th step. It seems kinda backward though, like I'm the hurt person trying to just go and tell this person how I feel and that I would like her to not contact my husband. I really don't want him talking to her at all but I wonder if him saying it to her again ("Do NOT call/text/talk to me") maybe she'd actually listen.
I'm on vacation this week though and this temporary geographical change is doing me some good I think. Gonna hit up a few meetings while I'm away. I think I've decided that if I still feel the need to talk to her when I get back in a week then I'll just do it. Let ya know how it goes.
It sounds like she may be getting tired of the game.
Maybe the best course is to do nothing and let the situation die out on it's own.
You've shown tremendous restraint so far.
So I got back in town last week and we had our Area's monthly ASC meeting Sunday the 18th. I'm the ASC Secretary, so of course I am there and the girl is the GSR for her home group. At first, I was considering saying my piece to her but then I decided I wouldn't even bother.
After the meeting was over we were putting the chairs back and she came up to me saying things like "I know it will take some time but I hope we can be friends again someday. I really miss your friendship." I'm not sure what her motive was and I can almost guarantee she didn't talk to her sponsor about saying this to me. But I was like "Well, I wasn't going to say this to you for a while but since you approached me....I would really appreciate it if you would not contact or attempt to contact my husband. I feel that it is disrespectful and hurtful." She admitted that she had been acting out in that way and had even sent him something a few days prior (which happened to be while we were on vacation, which made me very mad--yes my husband showed me the text right away). She said she would stop but "He's been blowing my phone up." I wanted to be like "Well let me see your phone so I can see all these calls and texts you receive from him." Because I know he did reply to her message a few weeks ago but she's just full of shit. I really wanted to say something or yell at her but instead I just stood there (practicing some more restraint).
The words of another recovering addict really helped. This girl, Mo, told me that if I felt like I was going to do or say something unspiritual that I should just walk away. I didn't walk away but I didn't react. I just stood there and said "Ok" and then Andy (the main subject of this post) went back to saying the stuff about hoping to be friends again. I said Ok again and it was over. I was so mad. I knew it was a possibility that she might say that but I didn't realize that I would still be so mad and hurt when she ended up saying it.
Luckily, there were still plenty of people there (after Area) so I found another addict to talk to really quick and cry with because I was really upset. When I talked to my husband about it, he offered me some possible insight into what Andy was thinking. He said that maybe she had expectations about what I would say to her (like, "Yeah we can totally be friends again someday," or whatever) and when I didn't say what she wanted to hear, she came back at me with the thing about my husband supposedly calling/texting her all the time. This does seem to be one of her patterns...when things don't go her way, she acts out often times by fabricating or exaggerating something.
I know it's not true. But I'm allowing her to keep dragging me back into this viscious cycle, so much so that I think my husband and I are going to the cell phone store to print out a copy of his phone records. It sounds kinda insane but I feel like it would put my mind at ease.
I keep hearing more and more of different things she's doing and saying to people that are just extremely hurtful and untrue. She's always fabricated and exaggerated stories since I've known her, but I just couldn't believe that she even had the nerve to say what she said about wanting to be friends again. Like, she could've been genuine with it but then I also perceive it to be like another stab at me. Or like she stabbed me in the back and she's continually twisting the knife a little bit. Really though, she's probably lonely. I was a good friend to her and now she just acts the way that she acts and burns bridges left and right and probably has no one. It is all her own doing. And I do try to have a little compassion for her and pity her. But she just hurt me so bad.
Also, something else...so it was Sunday the 18th that the exchange I described above took place. The next day (yesterday, the 19th) I ended up going to a meeting and she was there. I knew she would be, but it's just much more convenient because it's right up the road from me. Well, my husband, 11-month-old son and I went to this meeting. In it, Andy was sharing about something going on with her son she lost custody of back in like January or something. (She also has 3 other kids who she does not have custody of either). She said something about her not being able to see her son much over the summer because he was supposed to have been out of state but apparently wasn't and she had found out about it from her social worker. Apparently her mom had known the whole time but didn't tell her either. She shared about wanting to send a nasty text to her mom and asked for experience, strength and hope on restraint.
My hand shot up in the air immediately to share. It's funny that she asked for something that I have experience with BECAUSE OF HER. I shared and I wasn't malicious and I tried not to make any direct references to the situation. This is actually the second time in the last 6 months that she's asked for experience on something that I had experience with BECAUSE OF HER and I was able to share on it in the meeting without referencing her, really. I kind of wonder if she even knows that she is the reason I have this experience.
I will say, though, that I had a little bit of a recovery high after the meeting probably because I said something that could've helped her, even though I pretty much hate her. I guess I am getting better and growing. I still get upset about it and obsess sometimes but I'm trying to get past it. I'm sick of thinking about her.
