I'm a newbie, named Paige. I feel like I don't have much Strength to share. But, I do have hope and way more experience(the bad kind) than I care to admit. Currently, I am in self imposed exile. Not just because I can't get too far from the facilities. But, because this last time I went buying on the streets. What a dumbass. I know folks hate hearing this, but I a straight up opiate addict. I hate booze, weed, No Cocaine, No Meth. Been a pill popper all my life, I guess.
I've never been the kind of person to talk, or reach out. Don't get me wrong, I've been to plenty a meeting. But, always on the periphery. I read this amazing article, written by Russell Brand, on The Nutter's Club/Facebook. The most profound statement he made, "The Gutter will not release it's prey. For the Gutter is within." That's what I feel like, "my gutter is within!!" He's been clean/sober 10 years, now. But, he was more or less, talking about what he knew would happen, if he decided to pick up. What he knew was just ONE , not playing the entire tape through, action away. The Gutter! And I've been pretty sheltered. Any evil I've experienced, I've sought out. My gutter is within. And it's loathe to release it's prey.
I haven't used anything since Tuesday of last week. I put off the squirts buy eating Immodium in decreasing amounts, each day. My husband contacted all of my dealers and told them he'd kill them if they ever spoke to me again. He also says the same thing, "you never have to feel this way again." But, my gutter calls to me. Wtf kind of retard am I?
So, this is where I am seeking out my recovery. And I'm so grateful this place exists.
Hello and welcome Paige , you are in the right place . We don't care what you did in your addiction , we are all here to help each other . Stick around so we can get to know you .
Keep going to NA meetings and don't use no matter what. It may be against your nature, but try to reach out. This is a "we" program not an "I program. Talk to people before and after the meetings. Get some phone numbers and call people. It is very important that you get a sponsor--someone you trust who can help you work the steps and listen to you. If you put yourself in the middle of things, it is hard to fall off the edge. Keep coming back.
HI Paige, welcome to our little corner of the recovery world. Sounds like you are pretty clear about your problem and what you want to do about it. Your input is welcome here. I hope you stick around to share your journey. Best of luck to you
Thank You for your warm welcome. I still feel like absolute shit! My head is mess. I got so wigged out by something I read on here, about what an Opiate Addict can expect, while trying to recover. "Anhedonia," ( I can't spell it)Oh Lord! I'm one of the most miserable people I know. I can't imagine never ever feeling any peace or euphoria, ever again. What the heck am I doing this for then? Thank God, my husband is in the program. He keeps it simple... "Paige, no matter how good you think you are at getting your drug, eventually, you're on an island. There are NO bad consequences to NOT using drugs. There ARE a host of bad consequences to using drugs." So, I hold on to that. I'm trying to let go of every secret i have. Work as hard at NOT using as I did at using. Honestly, I hate everything, right now. I hate the dog, the cat; every sweet lick or meow feels like I'm being beat by a two-by-four. Like I said in another thread, I'm a cancer survivor. God saved my life for a reason... But, I'm just so ungrateful for everything today. I'm scared to leave the house. Never more than this time, have I truly experienced the physical, emotional and spiritual consequences, of addiction. I'm 44 and I'm not bouncing back. If there is anyone out there who thinks they can re-get the gift of recovery, anytime they want it. Let me tell you from experience, it doesn't get better. It only gets worse. I've been to Jail, I've been to institutions... What's left??? The only thing I can say is that I don't want to die. So, here I am. Please pray for me.
Hi Paige, my name's Mike, I'm a greatful Recovering Addict. WELCOME! Start the NA habit with 90 Meetings in 90 days. NA Works if you work it. Go after after Recovery like it was your next fix, like it was the very air you breath. As was said "it's hard to fall off the edge if you're in the middle". That means giving back through Service to the still suffering addict. Start simple by after each meeting sticking around and help cleaning up the meeting space.
When I got here over 3 decades ago I felt lower than the low, lower than an amoeba in the evolutionary scale. I'm was a spirtitually, phsyically, emotionally (and duh financially) bankrupt hope to die dope fiend. I felt like a worthless piece of trash made of flesh. I didn't feel like I deserved anything more than a life of perpetual misery. Yet today is so different it's beyond anything I could have believed possible. I can promise you Recovery IS Possible. A Life you can't even imagine IS Possible. Living Happy Joyous and Free is Possible. SURRENDER to the NA WAY and the horrors of active addiction need never again hold a strangle hold on you.
There but by the Grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God through the Power of NA go I. 32 years Clean and the Journey of Recovery that is Life continues. Join Us!
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I'm just stopping by to say I'm still sober. I feel a little better today. It's hard to say which is the hardest, mornings or evenings. My morning "wake up," wasn't a cup of coffee. First thing when I got up, I went to my stash. Then, the evening/night looms before me. Sleeplessness awaits... I am still locked away (like Rupunzel), by choice. God bless my husband, he took the week off from work that I detoxed. He went back to work for a week, and is off this coming week. So, I can get out to a few meetings this week. Just saying, "Hi," and checking in.
Hi Paige, my name's Mike, I'm a greatful Recovering Addict. WELCOME! Start the NA habit with 90 Meetings in 90 days. NA Works if you work it. Go after after Recovery like it was your next fix, like it was the very air you breath. As was said "it's hard to fall off the edge if you're in the middle". That means giving back through Service to the still suffering addict. Start simple by after each meeting sticking around and help cleaning up the meeting space.
When I got here over 3 decades ago I felt lower than the low, lower than an amoeba in the evolutionary scale. I'm was a spirtitually, phsyically, emotionally (and duh financially) bankrupt hope to die dope fiend. I felt like a worthless piece of trash made of flesh. I didn't feel like I deserved anything more than a life of perpetual misery. Yet today is so different it's beyond anything I could have believed possible. I can promise you Recovery IS Possible. A Life you can't even imagine IS Possible. Living Happy Joyous and Free is Possible. SURRENDER to the NA WAY and the horrors of active addiction need never again hold a strangle hold on you.
There but by the Grace of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God through the Power of NA go I. 32 years Clean and the Journey of Recovery that is Life continues. Join Us!
Thank you, Mike. I take a lot of hope from your words. All of you, Thank You!
Thanks for the update. It's really great when there is someone to support us when trying to kick. Being in gratitude keeps us clean. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Thanks for the update. It's really great when there is someone to support us when trying to kick. Being in gratitude keeps us clean. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Hi Avid,
Still clean, 12 days today. Still feel zero energy. I need help to know what the heck to do with myself. I keep envisioning myself as a no good, lazy, spoiled rotten bumb. That IS self-pity, right? It's like I'm waiting on something! What? I keep saying it's because I've never been allowed too hit bottom, hard. Fall flat on my fucking (I'm sorry) turned up nose, and suffer!!! Just not having dope, is not suffering. Then, my husband's words come to me, "Not every body has to hit bottom, some are close enuff to see it." I watch cop shows, that show me what is YET to happen. But, it doesn't scare me anymore. We have a daughter, well two actually, that suffer from this disease. One got recovery, one got prison; 5 yrs r/t drugs. We go to visit her and every woman in there, is in there for something to do with drugs. Example: Robbery/Drugs, One lady broke both her child's legs/she was high.
Maybe I should've gone back to treatment. That way, I'd be so stir crazy, by the time I got out, I be booming with energy. But, staying clean in treatment was never an issue. I'd feel so bad for the girls (my treatment center was all women) who relapsed and got thrown out. But hell, I'd spend 5 damn months there and pick back up, sober as a judge. I hear, "Go to NA," but the DOPE man is just outside the door. Treatment again seemed stupid; I need to know how to live and be sober. Not holed up in some building...
I'm sure you guys will be ready to strangle me. All I can say is I'm sober today. I have these feelings of wanting to dive head first onto my tile floor and writhe around until I'm so exhausted I can't move. That is how much energy is pent up. But, what do I do? Everything I have been doing for all, well a lot of years involved dope. I am fucked up as hell!
I am sorry I cursed. I don't usually do it. I am just so angry...
Self pity, low self esteem, anger......You going through alot of the same feelings we all went through when getting clean. And who says withdrawing from drugs is not suffering? There are many many addicts who died because they couldn't face withdrawl. What you are doing is very brave. An addict using drugs is the most natural thing in the world. An addict who is clean is the miracle. Remember, stay clean one day at a time. And oh, it's ok to go to an AA meeting and just listen. It's a safe recovery atmosphere. I've done it. It's ok ......really.
Still here, still sober. Forgot how many days now, I guess that's a good thing? Stopped June 18th... Physically, I think I may have truned a corner. Emotionally, I'm on a roller coaster. One minute I feel great, next minute, down in the dumps. Whoever suggested the magnesium, for restless legs, saved my life. Opiates have been masking a multitude of side effects that were caused by Chemo, things that could maybe get worse?? Idk... Peripheral Neuropathy, etc...
This may seem like a stupid thing to say, but getting sick was the perfect excuse to harbor my addiction. And the sick part of me was glad. I read another article today; it said there's been a huge rize in accidental OD's in women of my age group.
What a glorious day! My sleeping pattern is getting straightened out. I'm am so happy this morning, I could just scream! Yesterday, was a roller coaster. But, I got through it. The day before, was awesome. One Pearl, my husband says... I have a One Pearl necklace started. And someday, I'll have an entire strand!
So, get back "gutter within," with the help of God and AA/NA, I'm bustin' out!
