I havent been on here in ironically about a year to post. I generally get on and read a lot of great recovery suggestions that I try to apply in my every day life. I will be picking up my 2 year coin on the 18th and though I have worked my ass off to get to where I am today I feel like I am struggling to practice the most basic aspects of our program when I apply it to a break up with a member in the rooms. It almost makes me feel like I shouldnt be recieving a coin at all which is ludicrous in itself. My ex and I met in the rooms right around my 9 months and though myself as well as others in my network felt I was ready...I was definitely NOT. We were together about 15 months only to end things on bad terms because my self-centered part of my disease told me I deserved to be loved back, because today I am in recovery and doing the right thing. HA I know better but I struggled a lot recently with acting out and trouble really surrendering and accepting on a deeper level. I have gone to more meetings than I can count, I have been praying, working steps diligently, reaching out, getting outside myself and doing pretty much everything I know how to that I have learned in the rooms of NA. I know I have unrealistic expectations of my ex because he has been clean for a good year and a half longer than I and feel if he was really living the program that things would have ended a long time ago. I respect that he wasnt sure where his feelings were in relation to love and that he wanted to make certain he wasnt throwing away anything but on the other hand I feel very betrayed because up until two days before it ended he was telling me his feelings were growing and that he was happy. That I made him happy. I fell in love quickly with him because I am the type who gets attached and I have a caretaker personality and felt that if I showed him he deserved love maybe he too could open his heart. I am heartbroken and I have good days but most are a struggle to believe "this too shall pass." Its a double edged sword to love unconditionally and be damn proud of that and to feel what its like for the past to repeat itself when you work to be a better person.
Enough about pointing fingers and background. The bottom line is I am still hurting, a lot. I dont know what else to do. At the end of the day I see my part in why I am feeling the way I do and to be honest I dont have any resentments towards him. Sometime I think if I did maybe I would feel better and move on quicker. He has moved on and it makes me feel worthless. I know I am the only person who can make ME FEEL anything. I know this. I surrendered to the fact that yes, relationships end everyday, the fact that I thought just because I was clean and living/working an honest program he would HAVE to LOVE me is insanity. That I DESERVED to be loved back. I think because of my past, my moving on is being delayed. I cant believe I let someone manipulate and lie to me and I really believed it. I miss him and our friendship/companionship more than anything. I saw this guy in my future. We talked and planned a future. How could that just fall away over night? I know I am forgettting the bad times, but in recovery I have learned not to dwell on the negative. I see him happy amongst our friends and I just break every time. I started going to new meetings and extending my network but nothing is helping, I shouldnt say nothing because I am doing better than I was a week ago and I see that each week, shoot even every day. I know and am confidant I will not use over this. At the end of the day I guess if I have no answers, I can hold onto my recovery and the people I care about who care about me but its got to the point where I fear reaching out. I guess people feel like I should have moved on by now. I have moved forward but my whole heart was in this and it was 15 months, how can anyone expect me to just be myself again over night? How am i selfish for reaching out while I am still hurting? I am having trouble not being angry at other members who just keep throwing surrender and acceptance at me when I have. I am just hurting still. I dont know. I feel like the last two years I have been there to help others and now in times of need I am not allowed to hurt more than 30 days?
I came on here to ask if anyone had any other suggestions for me? What else can I do to continue moving forward instead of getting stuck in the lingering pain and lonliness I feel? I am completely open as I want to get better. Also--> Is my thinking really that messed up? I dont want to have this anger at people Ive grown with in recovery the last two years. I know everyone has their own stuff going on and I still try and be there for them, but is it wrong of me to feel as I do for them since the day my ex and I broke up to be like "Ok, its over now, its time to move on." Pease feel free to provide insight, I always want to know if my disease thinking and feeling is acting and I am sitting in denial or if I am right for being hurt/let down for how people are reacting to the situation? Dont be harsh....I have had plenty of that. I am doing the best I can so if this seems petty all together, trust me, its not, if I tried to explain everything else you guys would ban me from the boards. lol I believe though that any addict regardless of clean time or whatever, can easily and quickly get stuck in denial and struggle to see where they are wrong....and I am NO exception. Thanks in advance. Sorry if this is long and confusing. My brain is all messed up right now.
Oh and for anyone who has gone through the steps more than once, I am doing Step 3 for the second time and with Step 1&2 I felt like it was repetivtive except without the dope. I dont feel like I got as much out of it or had as much to write because my life is more managable today but I dont want to be working these steps again and not get out of them what I truly need. I work a rigorous program and I want to make sure that my step work stays strong. So I guess, ES&H on working the steps again and how to dig deeper to get as much out of them as the first time around.
Grateful to be alive and clean. To be able to put others in front of myself so I can be of service and give back what I have recieved thus far. God Bless.
hi Raman an addict... cliched quote " relationships can be a terribly painful area because we tend to project and fantasize what will happen". Thats the cause of all my diappointments in romantic relationships, with all the women whove been in my life.
I never realized even relationships can be addictive but im an addict and it is. It gives me someone to obssess on instead of on someting. Theres a lot of focus in that and it wont be a bad thing if addiction werent a lack of goodwill.
Love is replaced by control, another form of lust. This causes resentments for both of us. Sexual loving kindness is replaced with sexual cruelty, either in the form of denying sex or incessant demand.
The exact nature of those wrongs? ??? The thoughts behind those harmful actions Feelings are autonomous, but i can be God-centered and change the way I think.
Isnt that why NA also stands for new attitudes? ???
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thanks for posting. I am sorry you're in such pain. What can you do to feel better? I seems like you are doing what you need to do: going to meetings and sharing about it. I would also suggest that you talk to your sponsor specifically about this. Step work can help too. Have you worked the fourth step yet? This one deals with character defects (and assets), including those that impact our relationships. Also, prayer and meditation can help too. And of course, don't use no matter what.
But, the bottom line is, while all of these things can help, it may just take some time to get over this. It is important to realize that you are dealing with significant pain and loss, and you may not feel better quickly. As addicts, we want to feel better right now, but it doesn't always work this way.
As the Basic Text says, quoted by Raman, "relationships can be a terribly painful area..."
Currently, I am in a great relationship with my wife of 24+ years. I met her when I had about 10 months clean. She is a "normal" person--non-addict.
Before I met my wife, I had a relationship from about 4-6 months clean that did not go well.
What I realized that I did was that I took a hostage. I using this woman as my new addiction, I put a lot of expectations on her, and when she did not live up to them, I was disappointed. I often felt that I was not getting "loved" back when they reality is she was just not on the same page as me.
I did learn a lot from this relationship, however, and I think it prepared me for the next one. It helped me to learn how to not place unreasonable expectations on my partner, to try to let them be who they are (not who I want them to be), and to give them some space (physical and psychological).
Thanks for the replies-- I AM trying to do the best that I can to move forward. I have worked through the twelve steps with my sponsor. She suggested doing steps 1-3 and relationship part in 4 about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I did this and then began reworking step 1 to start over through the 12 steps again. I talk to and see my sponsor daily. I still hit 6-7 meetings a week even though life is full at the moment. I can only keep what I have by giving it away and I truly believe in that statement. Not to mention that as I do this and I help other addicts I get outside myself. Anything is better than being stuck in my own head. Prayer is huge. If I could sit for 5 minutes and meditate that would be awesome, but so much going on in life, 5 minutes and I am asleep!
I know that I am an addict and am tired of hurting, wishing for some cure all that will take my pain away. I also know that it doesn't work like that. I kept looking for a reason to blame myself for it ending, when in reality it was his unrealistic expectations that caused him resentments. I cannot change how he feels and I know that. I also see my part in all of this, and will make a daily effort to work towards becoming a better version of myself. As Raman said....NA stands for new attitudes. My pain was intense and I wanted to self-sabotage. I didn't feel worthy so why would I be worthy of unconditional love.
I see that I have so much work to do, and it wont happen over night. I don't resent him in any way, which I feel for the circumstances (or what people have told me) says a lot about my recovery, I just don't know why I feel so damn negative towards myself. Hell I still love the guy. I knew from day one he was a tad on the selfish side (speaking nicely) and I was never going to be his 2nd priority after recovery but I still made him mine. I have no one to blame but myself. I can look at his part all day and I still feel no different. I feel I was taken hostage of and maybe deep down I chose to ignore it in exchange for feeling wanted and needed. I don't know honestly. I cant seem to find the clarity I need to completely move forward. I have accepted its over, as much as it hurts but clearly I haven't fully surrendered. How could I honestly accept something I haven't full surrendered to in the first place? Why does surrendering to the idea of being an addict seem so simple yet applying the same principles is so hard now!!??? Im not totally to blame for that as he refuses to admit this is over for good, so I can close this chapter.
I guess I just answered my own questions really. I have no power over any of this. I have to have faith that God has something better planned for me. Though I don't feel it now. Ugh quite embarrassed that I even went on and on about this! DUH. God's will not mine! Get with it sister! I need to get back to the basics and do it JFT! as M.Monroe said......" sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." I know its time to take a better, deeper look at myself and my own issues, maybe even being open to the term "co-dependent."
Thank you both for the replies.....I feel like a huge dork for posting a bunch of nonsense. My pain, loneliness and jealousy is obviously getting in the way of my usually clear pattern of thinking!
ALL OUR CHARECTER DEFECTS COME OUT IN RELATIONSHIPS
I hate being in them but i hate not being in one LOL
I am a loner but i get lonely.
I'm 51 and theres still fire in the furnace, so to speak :)
breakups suck, I always look back and see where I was wrong not where they were, but they were, thats why i got upset at them and yelled LOL that ran them off, their idiots but so am I . Where was my loving spirit? where was my tolerance and acceptance?
I like what Raman said, we're self centered, I am deeply selfish still, that has to stop or nothing will ever work.
Keep praying yes this to shall pass we dont do pain well but it will pass...learn from it. Grow.
