Ok I am curious to hear what you guys have to say on this topic because in my 6years around the fellowship I haven't heard about too many successful relationships....
1.) What is the most challenging aspect for you in a relationship?
2.) What is the best tip you have to make one work?
I'll answer when I have more time.....gotta go.....:)
Having been divorced 2x and heading for a 3rd before I began my recovery I can tell you for me it was always about the core of our illness :SELF -CENTEREDNESS for me...! It was always me first and everyone or anything next. Though I have been doing the work for quite a few cups of coffee,I still have to ensure I am keeping a balance,thinking of others and knowing its not all about me...
The best tip for me is always remaining God centered(to the best of my ability)and working in the solution, application of our Steps internalized in my attitudes and behaviors.Making amends when necessary,continue daily inventories, being entirely ready and asking God to remove those defects and shortcomings.Starting each day my eyes are opened with prayer and meditation on our 3rd/11steps before my feet hit the floor.Share my feelings and talk about the "exact nature " of things going on with me and when Im in a funk I try reaching out to help some else ,as it always helps me personally and with my relationship with my Higher Power...Like it is said,Simple solutions for complicated(hardheaded,keep it on me) people. Our text tells us'Relationships can be terribly painful areas" especially true for this addict with a pretty less than stellar backround.I continue to do the work....
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
I do the things you mentioned to the best of my ability, happy to say!!
I am truly blessed to have the relationship I do. We were best friends for two years before we "fell" in love ;) The love was there before the physical which has been a wonderful foundation.
The most challenging aspect for me is putting his feelings first when I am feeling disturbed and self-centered. Like what you mentioned...I think we live in a society that teaches me,me,me, my feelings, what I want....I have found that putting him first makes me feel better in the long-run. This only works in a relationship that is healthy; I trust he will meet my needs without me acting out with whineyness or silence...
We are compatible mentally, emotionally, and spiritually---putting God first, recovery, then us. Perfection!! hahahaha...for the most part ;)
I have been married happily for 24 years and clean for 28. I met my wife when I was about 11 months clean and we dated for a few years before marrying.
I agree with Mike F that self-centeredness is a big issue for me. One way it manifests itself in my relationship with my wife is in my attempts to change/control/manipulate her.
My biggest tip for relationships is to try to let the other person be who they are and not try to change/control/manipulate him or her. This can be difficult to do and requires prayer and working the 3rd step.
Best tip for a successful relationship? Don't have a clue yet could write a book. Married once and had our 32nd Anniversary last month, 2 & 1/2 months before my 32 years Clean next month. Tip number one would be stay Clean!
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I have been married happily for 24 years and clean for 28. I met my wife when I was about 11 months clean and we dated for a few years before marrying.
I agree with Mike F that self-centeredness is a big issue for me. One way it manifests itself in my relationship with my wife is in my attempts to change/control/manipulate her.
My biggest tip for relationships is to try to let the other person be who they are and not try to change/control/manipulate him or her. This can be difficult to do and requires prayer and working the 3rd step.
I love this thank you, I find this to be very good advice for happiness!
I trashed a 10 year relationship because I didn't do what I had done in the early days, being honest with her, speaking my mind, listening. Found it easier to let all the little annoyances get swept under the carpet. Oh I was also sponsoring myself and I let my attendance in meetings fade till I was sufficiently (cured) sick enough and could drink..... guess the rest.
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Pardon me sir, it's furthest from my mind
I'm just waitin' for a dear-dear friend of mine
Great question! I find that in addition to the self centeredness that Mike spoke of, which I think is a key reason for our failed relationships, is the lack of honesty that characterizes our behavior. We tend to be secretive people, manipulative rather than comprimising. We want what we want and we want it now. We can justify destructive behavior, and continue doing it without remorse or even seeing the destructive nature. That is why IMHO the steps are so curcial to real recovery. We can become abstinant, but we don't recover unless we change. The steps are a proven method for doing that. thanks for this post.
