Hi, I'm an addict named Taryn. I'm new here, just joined about five minutes ago after reading the Just for Today on unconditional surrender. I figured that asking for other people's experiences on it would be a good idea since I seem to be struggling so hard with it. Lately I've been thinking about the third step a lot, but I have a lot of resistance because I "have to control everything." Maybe I think that everything's going to "get worse" because if I surrender, I'm "not in control" anymore. This resistance is really irritating to me, but I can't seem to stop. So, if anyone cares to, I'd love to hear your surrender experience. What happened? What was it like?
My names Mike, I'm a Grateful Recovering Addict. Sounds like you're stuck on Step One part two that our lives had become unmanageable. I seemed to struggle with Step One part two in one degree or another for many years in my NA Recovery Journey. My thoughts were like sure when loaded I coudn't handle it but now without drugs in my system I can control things, everything. WRONG! Control was and is an illusion. Control of anything but how I act and react to people places and things is beyond my scope of existence. For me fully surrendering my unmanagability of Today and the Future, not just the past during active addiction, is an ongoing project taking constant vigilance - constant re-focusing my connection with my Higher Power. I alone can do it, but I can't do it alone.
The paradox is the more I'm able to fully Surrender my control - my will - to the care of my Higher Power, the more actual control over a meaningful life I seem to have. The more I let go and let God the more life's challenges find solutions. Surrender is the key to Freedom. How? I don't know, fake it 'til you make it. Maybe accepting over and over I am not the center of the Universe, not even my universe.
You are not alone in your Recovery Journey. And you are not unique in your struggles! Keep Coming Back, One Day at a Time it Works if you Work It. Sometimes each day's challenges seem worse, sometimes better but as long as you stay Clean you have Won another day.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
When I first read what you were saying, I felt my immediate resistance and had to read again twice. I think you're right. I think that's my denial, and it's being hellacious. I feel that I"m finally beginning, more and more each day, to understand what, exactly, powerlessness means - My options, as far as drugs, treatment facilities/hospitals, therapy techniques, etc, have run out. The only option I have left is my Higher Power. I've been absolutely insane and trying to self-will self-will, which really doesn't work. It's quite the bag to be in. I see that my life has been absolutely unmanageable, but part of me doesn't want to accept that. My life is unmanageable, and I still try to control it. I feel like I can't stop trying to control everything, and after thinking about it some more and doing some reading, I see how much of an illusion it really is. I've been deluded - believing that "I can handle it."
I struggle a lot with the concept of "There's a God and I'm not it," and looking at that, I feel arrogant as hell, and ashamed of said arrogance. My head is having a hard time sorting through the mess that my arrogance has caused. I try praying, but I still fight, so I guess I'm not totally sane yet. I'm going to keep trying. I'm not sure why I'm posting this really other than to thank you for your reply and I'm really thinking about it.
I am an addict named Mike. My emotional acceptance of total defeat came literally after 25 years of the 'pain finally outweighing the pleasure'And at the end there was really no pleasure just the obsession and compulsion to use drugs .Through 3 marriages and divorces,death of my best friend and many others around me,loss of my children and their name change,long bid in a mental institution,arrest and conviction of federal felony postal theft and complete devastation reaped on all those around me I was able thru the grace and mercy of my Higher Power whom I choose to call God ,the reach the point of admision,surrender and acceptance that I could go on as we know, to the end, continued jails ,institutions,deriliction or death or find that new way to live.It wasn't so much a matter of control for me as it was (and still an issue work on daily, my total self-centeredness<after me ,you come first)..Once I put down the substance ,the real work began,going inside,getting to the exact nature of my illness,and instilling the spiritual principles of our program into the attitudes and behaviors of my life.I remain in recovery thru that daily reprieve based on my fit spiritual condition guided by God,to the best of my ability.As far as our 3rd step,the real key to this step is 'we turn our will and lives over to the 'care of"THAT Higher Power as we understand. To us(keep it on me here)turning anything over to someone else could emit a sense of loss of control,but to the 'CARE" OF EMITS A DIFFERENT EMOTION.WE also remember that our 2nd step talks of "THAT' a Power not "IN a power greater than ourselves and THAT POWER only need be loving and caring and greater than us(your own concept ).Again reminding us of that Power in the sense of caring for us...My self centeredness still at times wants me to be in control of things,but thru a daily 3rd step meditation accompanied by AN 11TH step effort to 'improve my conscious contact' with my Higher Power seeking that Powers will for me,helps me to relinquish any control I may be trying to put forth.The more contingent I am in maintaining a fit spiritual condition the better I am able to move forward.Welcome to the family ,glad your here,Stick around WE NEED YOU
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Self will run riot can be fun. Until it isn't fun anymore.
When the pain and fear of changing becomes less than the pain of staying the same happens, change happens. For me it isn't a second-minute-hour-day-week-month-year-or decade sooner. 31 years Clean and still changing...
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I relapsed many times in my recovery history, i used to shove God out of the way and had an imaginary steering wheel in my hand, then i'd relapse.
It got so bad, seeing that i was killing myself , i had been warned i was going to die soon by doctors. i couldn't stop once i started, i was powerless over not starting, it had to sink in really hard i had to take an honest look at what was going on, i was powerless, physically and spiritually I was hopeless.
I finally let go, day after day i let go I have 6 years now but the day things get tough and i try to handle it on my own free will i will relapse, i do not do this with my own power, that power comes from elsewhere, IM CONVINCED.
It takes something different but the same for each of us to surrender and stop trying to control, his is all the affairs in our lives, EVERYTHING.
And its ok my dependance on God and spiritual principles keeps me clean, my dream has come true i just wanted to be clean, happy and serene most of the time i have that and i suffer thru when i dont becuase this too shall pass.
Hang in there keep coming back,
-- Edited by BigV on Sunday 29th of July 2012 12:48:41 AM
Hi Taryn....my name is Raman..im an addict..Thanks for the pointer..Im reminded of a most invisible force called lust and it makes sense for me to accept that this defect is where the control thing comes from..
First things first is when Im aware that im suffering, i have to surrender. Surrender to win; a very effective concept. Difficult to practice at times, especially when Im thinking that i know better, so im right and they are wrong. This attitude places me in conflict, distress, tension and anger spaces, all signs of the disesase taking over. And the Basic Text says that in doing a good 3rd Step, I will no longer be fighting anger, fear, resentment, etc.
I also add lust to that list. I have a simple theory that emerged from being very disturbed and uncomfortable in recovery. After sharing and reading a lot of recovery literature in order to address the situation I began to understand my controlling behaviour a lot better. The simple truth is that this defect of charecter manifests as lust for sex and/or lust for control. If it is not for sex, it is for control over people. And in reference to the context of this thread, lust can be a driving force in the way i relate to people and be the lens of my interactions with them. Lust can disguise itself as well intentioned, well meaning planning but the underlying control factor makes things difficult.
In my life, it is usually the lust for control that spoils an otherwise great day.
Just for today, I will have a program of recovery and follow it to the best of my ability....
And having said all of that, the next time control-tensions come up, Ill just "Turn It Over" and move on....Step away !( Ill certainly need to remember that for ASC this afternoon,,hahaha !)...
-- Edited by Raman on Sunday 29th of July 2012 03:04:11 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thanks Taryn. My Name is Star and I am an addict... I also has a tough time with this. I thought it was quite silly to think that I couldn't control my life... If I didn't, then who would? Of course, I kept relapsing. Well, my problem was one BIG problem... I refused to allow my Higher Power in. I just would not completely open up my inner self and put all control into God's hands... Now, that I have surrendered, I am finally moving along in my recovery, my steps... My life! I feel SO much better and I am... Content. I wouldn't say that I am really "happy" quite yet... I have a ways to go... But I have found PEACE in my life! Everything is a lot easier. Prayer and Meditation, Daily... Sometimes several times a day! Keep your head up and Good Luck!
Until it isn't fun anymore. 
