An old proverb says "Time spent in loving and interesting living flies like in the twinkling of an eye".

That feels so true; my daughter who Ive been bring up as a single parent ever since she was three was now in the final year at school and fast approaching were the final exams. Sure felt like the twinkilng of an eye !

But my head was full of thoughts like "Im an addict, how will that affect my daughters studies ?" ,"I hope my baby is not dulled in the brain like I had become", "Will my drug use of the past still be detremintal to my daughters development ?"

These questions haunted me. Then as I gained Meaningful Insights, I said to myself " I am lucky she is an NA baby, born years after I stopped using. Surely, the Principles of Recovery will add to her well being".

And such like thoughts kept me serene.

Fact is my girl knows of my using, recovery and commitment to NA. We often say the Serenity Prayer together. We also discuss her growing up, the way she relates to the world and I keep sharing my life stories with her. I could tell she was being affected positively by the NA Principles of H.O.W by the way she revealed herslf in many instances and situations that called for Wisdom, Faith, Hope, Serenity and Courage !

But that said, there would also be those moments of self-doubt, especially when I was alone and keet company of thoughts like  " Have I really devoted quality time to her well being ?", "  Have I been as involved as I should have been ?"," Was it better bringing her up as a single parent or should she have had a mother too?"

Most of all, Id get very  tense and anxious when I thought back to when I was 16 and the turmoil, chaos and dis-obedience and lack of purpose in my life!

Then two months ago, I was at the end of school ceremony. The hall was packed with parents and some staff too. Again I was feeling self-concious at being a single parent in the midst of all those other couples.  

Then the chief guest, a cleric, academic and social worker adressed the gathering. He was going on about the importance of values and morals.           

Next, strangely enough, at the middle of his keynote address, he shared a story from his life that involved two brothers. One was a drunkard and wasted his life while the other shone in society as a successful  business man, philanthrophist and great human being. So they were once asked in a public function what their driving forces were. The drunk said he was acting just like his father, whereas the successful man said that one day he had resolved that after seing his father being drunk every waking breath, beating up his mom and being a difficult human being, he had decided one day he'd do the exact opposite of his father.

How strange, ironic and meaningful that anecdote was. What a powerful message to these impressionable teens !

Then the afternoon wore on and I was seeing other kids were getting prizes and I was thinking  "I should have spent more time with her and maybe she'd have got a study prize too."

I came out of my reverie when I heard the teacher announcing        

 "This next prize is a very special one for a very outstanding student. This student has been on the basketball team, behaved exceptionaly well in class, served as class and section head girl, and was always in the top five in class academically. However, that is not all. Anjana Raman has a perfect attendance record for the past 12 years and has not missed even one single class".                                                                                    

My baby was being awarded a certificte for impeccable attendance. The whole school gave a standing ovation. What an indescribable feeling I had as I saw her standing on stage there getting her prize. My mother, who was very responsible in bringing up my child was there cheering too. What a joy !

But the addict I am, I still had misgivings about the study. I was thinking whether she would do well in her studies too. Yes, I had helped with the studies to a large extent. Id spent many hours talking to her about her experiences with scholl, studies and life in general. But I always said to her "Look whether you pass, fail, good marks or bad, whatever, I'll still love you. It's for you, yourself, that you need to do your best".

I agonized as she prepared for the finals. A sense of powerlessness came pon me many a time as I saw her struggles, and there was nothing I could really do except guide her to do her best and share some of the study methods Id learnt in my Masters.

Then the exams came.  I passed a tour date with a gf from abroad so I could be close to my daughter. I did not see it as sacrifice but something I wanted to be doing for her. I believe this was more in line with the recovery route, so I stayed put in the city all of those 30 days.  I was there for encouragement, Prayer and meditations and study guidance ! Her grandma did the rest, like actually taking part in the studies.

And she wrote her exams.

It got over in a month and now came the tense wait for the results. In fact, it looked I was being more tense than Anju, so I gradually let go and let God ! 

Then the results came;Saturday May 19th and it was my natural brithday.

I typed in the student number. I had mistyped and got another students results. I typed again and was tense. Then I saw my daughters name and the marks and awards she got; I was overwhelmed to know Anju had achieved a score of 91 %.

I shouted out loud and called ma and shared that with her. Then I called her uncle with whom she was driving back home and shared my joy and happiness with him. Then I informed Anju. I was celebrating and asked her how she felt.  I heard her say on the phone                                      

 "I wish Id done better !". Could have been humility I heard. I wasnt sure about that but was disappointed that she wasnt as ecstacic as I was.

I couldnt believe it. She got marks and percentages I could never have even dreamed of and she didnt sound too exited. Then I began to understand that everyone suffers from the "more" thing when it concerns their desires ! Or maybe my child was being humble about this, knowing well that this was a very high mark in itself !

So though I stayed in a celebratory mood, I did talk to my girl and shared my understandings with her. Then I informed her about some study skills Id done research on. Maths needs daily practice, and a very sound theoretical base. To get close to the 100's in maths, the student has to practice everyday and get everything right.  And science and geography must be identified in everyday living for it to be embedded in  thinking. So, I said she need not be discouraged at not scoring higher because now we know the reasons.

And so on and so forth, life needs to be experienced for it to make meaning,,,,,, Im greatful that just for today, through NA, I can get a better perspective on my life ! 

Im greatful that my child has given me great gratification.......the results speak for themselves !

Im greatful in acknowledging that my baby is a Miracle in Progress !

Im greatful that I found my anxieties and fears were just that, and not grounded in reality ! Parental concern was the nature of those mentations !

Thank you MIP, for letting me share ! Thanks for being there !