I have been clean from crack for 2 yrs. I hit my 4th step about 6 months ago and have been putting it off. My meetings have slowed. I feel as though I just can't open up. It has been hard dealing with facing myself. My gf of a year and a half started alanon. She is angry all the time I feel like I can't do anything right. She says that I'm not the person she met a year a half ago. My confidence has gone down, my drive for recovery has slowed, I don't show emotion towards her, she feels like alll I do is ask her to help me (yes I do ask for help.help in showing her how I feel, remeinders about step work,calling my sponsor, the kids & staying in contact which I have so much guilt about), she says she feels like a piece of meat, I've used her as my new addiction & disrespected. I feel tired, overwhelmed, misunderstood & I told her I'm happy she started alanon again it can only help me. She said it's not to help her understand me but to help her get stronger for herself. I feel like I'm doing the best I can right now but I feel like I'm going to lose her. She just doesn't understand & I don't know how to explain my feelings. She thinks I to afraid to face recovery & says my actions are those of a "dry drunk/addict" Can anyone give me some perspective is it true? Or is she wrong? I keep telling her to be patient give me time. Last night she sits me down and tells me " I can't be everything to you. Sponsor,friend,lover,gf,mom,suporter,secretary,coo
we argue I apoligize tell her I'll try my intentions are there its doing it that's hard. She says sorry no longer work and my promises no longer mean anything. My action don't match my words. I work everyday & I can't seem to get it together its to much I tell her. Why doesn't she see I'm doing what I can?
kEdited by Recovery4me on Tuesday 1st of May 2012 10:20:55 AM
-- Edited by Recovery4me on Tuesday 1st of May 2012 10:29:27 AM
We all have to work the Steps the way ,with help and encouragement from our sponsor. Step Four should not be taken lightly,so people come to a stop at this Step.It's when we start to admit out pasts , something a lot of us have never shared with anyone and only our sponsor. Step 4,5,6,7,8,9are called the cleanup Steps , House Cleaning , Clearing the wreckage of our pasts,If we were free to be free in our present. I had to stop for a month and really think about some of the questions in this Step . Once past this Step all Step refer back to each other.I have written my Steps twice now . Hope this helps you .Remember it's you , you , you ,not her ,her ,her.Oh yeah recovery is a life long journey , and these are the tools that will help it work .
-- Edited by cdbuckberry on Tuesday 1st of May 2012 05:17:43 PM
It's not about her at all. You are powerless over her opinion of you. she will behave towards you however and that is it. Recovery is about your growth. All you can do is follow the program suggestions and grow in spirit. When we do that we seem to attract better things. Recovery happens one day at a time over a period of many years. "we didn't become addicted in one day, so remember, easy does it" thanks for stopping and please keep coming back.
NA Works if You Work it. NA Works if I Work it. NA Works if You Work it.
God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change
(people, places and things)
The Courage To To Change the Things I Can
(Me)
And The Wisdom to Know The Difference.
I am responsible for my Recovery. Not my wife, not my sponsor, not the Group, not NA as a Whole, nobody but me. I am responsible to make the changes necessary for my growth. With the help and guidance of my Higher Power often manifested in the former who are not responsible for my Recovery, yet aide in my Recovery should I keep my ears, mind and heart open.
For me, making excuses usually means lack of acceptance and surrender.
__________________
Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Thank you for responding. She just makes me feel bad about myself. She says that she needs to keep boundries and needs to be ok. She says I am trying to make her an enabler. I know I need to work my program I just wish she was kinder she seems distant unwilling to help me.
I love her she is a very giving person and I don't want to hurt her if that's what I am doing. I just want her to try to be more understanding. I don't want to lose her we've lived together for a year.
She she she them anybody but me. I am responsible for my feelings, nobody can make me feel how I feel. I am responsible for how I handle situations, people places and things. And how I choose to handle things to a great extent determines how I feel. Maybe doesn't make sense yet, highly doubt IIRC it made much sense to me at 2 years Clean!
Keep Working the Steps.
Keep Coming Back!
Recovery is a Journey, not a Destination. It's a Journey of a Lifetime.
__________________
Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I'm not you're sponsor but this sounds like something to talk to your sponsor about. Like others have said, you can only control yourself, not others.
I know from my own experience that I have used sex/relationships like a drug. That doesn't mean I can't have successful relationships, but it does mean that I must be mindful of how my addiction affects my relationships and try to be respectful, kind, and loving with the other person.
I have been happily married now for 23 years. I met my wife when I was 10 months clean and we got married a couple of years after that. It has not always been easy but we have both done our best to make things work out.
Communication and compromise are keys! It works if you work it.
I've been married for more than 7 years now and I've had my own learning and growing up to do when it comes to dealing with relationships, especially the one with my spouse. Besides love and care and understanding and many wonderful days of living together, there have also been differences, conflicts, addictive tendencies and codependency trying to rear its ugly head every now and then, threatening the relationship. Over the years, I've time and again realized that the best way to work around these situations is to see it as my situation, my problem, by reversing the focus and process of blame from the other, and by working the Program on my part alone. The rest of it, I'm powerless over. When I do have issues/problems with another, like one of us shared above, I do see it more quickly and clearly with the help of the Program that it's not about the other, it's about me and my inability to deal with feeling a certain way about what has happened with another. This opens me to the Program and the possibility of a solution.
I have come to realize that when I'm doing well with my personal recovery, mostly I'm at peace with the people in my life, be it my wife or mother or a sibling or friend. When there is unrest and anger and fighting with another in my life, it's usually so that I have somehow slowed down in my personal recovery, a little negligent, a little complacent... In a way, I'm grateful for these lapses too as I get to learn, change and grow afresh again.
__________________
"If we do an honest examination of exactly what we are giving, we are better able to evaluate the results we are getting."Chapter 10 - Emotional Pain - NA Way of Life.
I'll never forget how after my wife joined al anon all i started hearing was how she was my 'enabler'. I hated it. but you know what? In many ways she was. I kept myself down by being dependant on her. It was degrading to myself, but i felt helpless without her support (mostly financial) But our opinion of ourselves has nothing to do with how much we have or what others may think. I know of several people in the rooms who are pretty poor yet seem pretty happy with themselves. I understand that no one wants to be homeless, but if you can find the courage with help from NA sponsor/support group to have faith in HP that all will be well, you can free yourself of this form of bondage. Review the 4th and 7th traditions. They apply to our personal dealings as well as the groups. Peace.
