Hello family. I have been clean for about 9 months now and I am fully dedicated to one fellowship- NA. I'm 23, and I feel like that is making things a bit tough for me, when it comes to building relationships with other people in the program. Everybody is super friendly, however, I feel sort of like a ghost, part of the background...it seems like everybody has so much more in common (aside from being an addict) with everybody... but me. People seem to gravitate towards others who are around the same age range, and it seems like they are all best friends, like they always have so much to talk about outside of recovery. I find it hard because most of the time, I'm the youngest one at the meetings/events. It seems like the other younger people who come around, well, they end up leaving pretty quickly. I try so hard not to alienate myself, and I love everybody in NA to death, but I'm having a hard time with building relationships- it's tough when the only thing you have in common is recovery. I have been going to events, to many meetings, I've been sharing, I have a great relationship with my sponsor- and I call her every day... I try to talk to other people as much as possible, it just feel like I'm not "clicking" with anybody though. Any advice?
Just be yourself and give it time. Do any of the members from your groups, go out for coffee or a meal afterward? Is there any opportunity to do service work in the meetings (make coffee, set up the meeting)? When I was in my first year or two, I made it a point to introduce myself to 2 new people per meeting, one before and one after. I attended 4-6 of the same meetings every week. One friday night meeting, with dinner afterward, 1 saturday morning meeting with breadfest after. There were a couple of restaurants that recovering people frequented on Saturday night, and a couple of recovery "clubs" that had open mic night and people socialized. After moving to FL in '92, I found several weekend meetings right on the beach that were social. Keep working it, it'll happen.
Keep coming back. NA's primary purpose is for us as addicts to help each other Stay Clean. It's not a social club. Yes, learning to socialize Clean is part of recovery and can be difficult. Especially for someone like me who was never a social butterfly. I was a bit older than you but not much when I came back after relapsing for 3 years, 27. That was over 31 years ago so NOW I'm one of the Old Farts! But back then there weren't that many with much time Clean so it was somewhat different I suppose. Yet we look for similarities not differences to find our Path in Recovery!
For me I learned a lot about how to communicate and interact with other people Clean through copious Service Work back then. Committee meetings after committee meetings! My first 12 years Clean held over 30 service positions all for their full year terms. Yeah, to an extent wearing multiple hats at a time because we were a much smaller Fellowship back then and if you wanted something to happen you'd best step up to the plate and quit sniveling!
Just keep your Recovery first, the rest will follow. Addiction is no respecter of age.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I got clean when I was 21 (almost 22). I also felt younger than others and like I didn't fit in, but I realized that we all have the same disease and the same solution, so age doesn't really matter. I had to learn to open myself up to others and to identify rather than compare. As far as socializing goes, I was able to find a few peopel my age or a little bit older to hang out with. As I got some more time in the program, age mattered less and less to me. Now I am 49 years old and I have NA friends in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s.
Thank you all for the suggestions. :) I really do appreciate it. Hmm, the city I'm in, well, people don't go out a whole lot, I sometimes go out for breakfast with some of the people from my homegroup. Its not like I cant start something like that up though- its much easier to be around people in person too. I will give it a shot. J We do have Support Group for our sponsee family once a month, at somebody's house, which is really nice- that's helping me to connect with other people a lot as well. I'm so terrible at using the phone, I call my sponsor every single day, but I know that I need to call other people as well, and I feel so strange and awkward when I'm talking to anybody other than my sponsor. My life is pretty calm and content right now, I swear that it would be easier if I did have a problem to talk about. I would like to get connected with other women in the program, the ones who have a lot of clean time are usually so much older than me, and I really don't see anything wrong with that at all, it's just hard to sort of, fill the silence. I hope that I'm making sense. Identify rather than compare... I do need to keep that in mind. I always fear that (and I'm sure that this is stupid) people won't really want to be friends with me because they have kids my age. :( Nobody has said that, nobody has given me that impression- it's just my own insecurities putting those words into my head. I'm so good at showing up for the meetings. I make coffee for my homegroup, and go early for the 'meeting before the meeting'. I share at the meetings, only when something is going on though. I like that suggestion, meet 2 new people at each meeting- that's a good one. I like to think that it will just sort of happen as long as I keep going to meetings, keep sharing, keep being friendly with everybody- but I do need to put in some work and pick up that dreaded phone. Service work, something I would just love to get into. It's a bit difficult for me right now though, I forgot to mention that I pretty much work all day every day. I'm working on finding 'balance' right now with my sponsor, it's very hard. I feel like my life consists of mostly working, and but I worked so hard for my job (I do love my job too) and for everything that I have- if I were to quit, I'd lose it all, and I'd have to go live with my parents. :P I'm hoping for a better schedule so that I can get involved with that. In the meantime, I'm doing what I can, when I can, going to the events and meetings as much as possible, and going to my sponsee groups. I feel like I'd be so much more connected if I could just use that phone. The words just seem to flow naturally with other people, the way they talk to each other. I wish that I was able to do that too. I feel so strange and weird when I call anybody in the program other than my sponsor. Like, 'what the hell should I say?' weird. I can't see myself becoming more comfortable with it without trying though...
It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this though, that I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. :) I really to appreciate everything you have all said. Very helpful. :)
I was 25 when I got clean. Most of my friends then (and now) are approximately 10 years older than me. It's changing... I have sponsees today that are both older and younger than myself. As with everything in the meetings, I had to stop looking at the differences (age) and look for the similarities. If I thought I was "different" or "unique," I couldn't relate to others, thereby not allowing myself the chance to grow and stay clean.
I'm 21 I'm going thru some of my own stuff, but I still have problems connecting.
I went to a meeting, and at the very end, just as I was about to leave, some chick came up and struck up a conversation with me. We exchanged numbers, and I text her every other day.
Also, I chose to take her number because she reminds me of my cousin, and that makes me feel comfortable.
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Change will happen when the pain of where you are exceeds the fear of where youre going
I have a sponsor, I call her every day. :) I've been thinking about this a lot, I learned that my issue is my fear of reaching out. I can call people no problem if I have an issue of some type, but it's hard to call to develop a relationship with anybody other than my sponsor. I've been working on that. I shared about my problem in a meeting, and a woman there got my number, she gave me hers, and she has been helping me with my phone issue. I've been calling her for the past 2 days (I punked out on the first day and she actually called me lol). I had no problem calling anybody under the sun to ask them for a 'front' on drugs, or for money, or whatever- whether I knew them or not, so I figure that this shouldn't be too hard- but it is. I think that I need to start reaching out more, then I'll have those good relationships with other people. I do need to stop looking at this difference, the age thing. It's my own insecurities that are holding me back, really. I've always been super insecure I suppose, which is one of the reasons as to why I used on the first place. I'm the first to assume that the world is against me. Thanks again for the suggestions and experiences. This really is an awesome program. Isn't it nice to know that there are people out there who love you and can identity with you, even though you've never met? People all over the world...
