Okay so I'm lying in bed right now on my phone right now because I don't know where else to go with this thought. Only so many people in my life know about me using. My family would never believe me and would blame my wife for my using and hate her more then they already do. So I come here seeking just a place to place this thought instead of soiling my recovery by finding a bowl and getting high. So let me start out by saying this. Hi I'm Kayden and I am an addict. That's what we say everytime we speak is it not. Some people say that they can quit if they wanted to right. That they aren't addicted to the drugs. Well that right there is where they are wrong. If you can't addmit to it then you will never walk away from it. I know that is slightly hypicritical of me to say because I can't tell my own family of my meth addiction. So let me tell you first how it began. My wife to be was a meth addict. And for almost a decade she has hidden this from me. Very well I might add cause until 9 months ago I didn't even know she did drugs. So it was a bit of a shock but after the hell we went through I was ready for anything. I told her I would help her quit all she would have to do was ask for help. Make that first attempt to recovery is it not? However instead of standing my ground on my beliefes and staying the anti-drug king that I was. I broke myself and joined her. Now its not what you think I didn't do it out of peer presure, or because I thought it would be cool or nothing of the such. I took another route. I let my ego kick in. Because I can admit to where my faults were and quit smoking for an entire year (to prove to people in my college class) the yes it may be addicting but anyone who sets their mind to it can quit. So I figured if I can do it with something I actually enjoy doing I should be able to do it with something that I dispise. In turn show her how easy it can be. Now does everyone see where I went wrong here? Now I know what y'all are thinking but to be honest can you tell me that you wouldn't take "a bullet" for someone you bleed your heart for? Alright then, so I was a little blinded by love sorry. Getting off track and back. 3 months go by and we find out we're gonna have another baby. Mind you, we don't have our first two because I wasn't around and she kept running from her feelings for me (whole other story, so keep an open mind as you read along). We're real excited and decide we need to quit everything for the baby. Yeah! Right thought did it happen... nope. Okay so we cut back a little. Its a step in the right direction but as my favorite saying goes one is to many and a thousand is never enough. Okay so were six months prego and still using. Well she gets thrown in jail and is clean for two months. Get her home and what do I do? Instead of leaving the room to smoke with out her I smoke in front of her. For two weeks she did good at telling everyone no. I flat out would not hand it to her. I would set it down at that point. If she was she was gonna do it. I was not going to hand it to her. (Let me stop here for a second. If I were to tell her know and be a hypacrit would I have been in the wrong? Granted I'll get why I continued using a little later. But suriously. For her own good, I should have been the hypacrit in the house to look at her and go "no". Right? Or Wrong?) Okay so she falls right back in to it again. So now I will back track a little. I live in a house with eight other people. (At the time, now were 4 again. Me, my wife and 2 roommates). All adults, all but one used meth and only 2 did anything around the house. Around this time that my wife was in jail I became very ill. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and didn't have insurace to look into it. So I continued to use to hide that I was ill. I also coninued to use that so that everyone who didn't do house work, didn't pay bills and didn't provide for the household, could be lazy. Mind you, only one person in our household held the honor of being lazy and even he go off his ass and helped me clean. He is a retired war vet, and it was his home, and he didn't do drugs.... period. I protested and he was behind my protest. I laid in bed ill and dying (quite litterally) for a week straight to emerge from my room to see that the house has not be touched since my landlord put me on bed rest. Seriously people? So I got high and cleaned the fuck out of the house. And were jumping up to 18 days ago. The day that my wife and my self became clean and our enjoying our recovery. We lost our daughter, CPS took her from us. My wife having prior history with CPS and all they were in the deilvery room before I was even aloud back there. Now I don't have any prior history with anything. So all that they are holding against me is my health condition. I had a clean ua (thank god cause the night before we both got high) she was the only one to pop dirty. Now here is where I vent. How the fuck can you onestly look me in the eyes and tell me I'm a bad father for not stopping my wife from using while she was prego? I hit her and tell her no? Then I become a woman beatter and have a chace of harming my child. I take her away from all of it? Tried that she left me in Oklahoma to comeback to arizona to do it. She is a free individual who is aloud to make her own choices. Now that the baby is no longer inside her I can be a father to the baby and keep from harm. Now CPS is telling me I can have housing, medical, cash assistance, and food stamps and get my daughter as long as I seperate from my wife. The woman who gave birth to her in our bathroom, the woman who knew she was in the wrong and cries herself to sleep every night for the last 18 nights the woman who has VOULANTARIALY chooses to goto NA meetings. This woman doesn't deserve to be a mother? Because she lost her other two, and I'm a bad father cause I can't afford 400 dollars (per child) for a paternity test to prove the other two are mine because she didn't put fathers on the birth certificate because we were seperated and she didn't want cops coming after me for child support. So yes we are terrible parents in the eyes of CPS. However! It only seems to be this one case worker that is making us out to seem like bad people. Where as everyone else involved with this battle has wondered and tried to figure out why we do not have our daughter yet. My wife is working on recovery. I use my words to avoid using and they don't even know I use. The only thing they got against me that the judge shook his head at is that I have a possibly deadly medical condition that know one knows anything about, because I don't want to know when I'm gonna die. Fuck you CPS case worker. I'm not leaving my wife to get my daughter back. I shouldn't have to reguardless of how easy it would make everything. It would just make us fall right back into meth. Because cps would be off our backs in weeks not months. I don't want that. I want her to prove to herself and to everyone else that she is a good fucking mom and is willing to give up everything to get her shit together. She is a good mom and she will be a great mom when we have our child once more and can prove to these dumb mother fuckers at cps that look at their job as a paycheck and not to actually help people that they suck at their fucking job and don't deserve the money they make.