I seek experience on WORLD because I am dealing with something new in recovery at many levels.
Before I start I want to say I love NA I live only cause of NA and I need your expeience strength and hope.
I am gonna be direct. Feeling thought and emotions very scattered.
In th elong run I can do this. But Ive had hopes for myself to overcome my fear on relationship level and also learn how to deal with everything with him cant be perfect but most of all the most impotant he can use I cant- I hoped for an inner change to want to want him and leave it to HP knowing people can have partners outside I just dotn know if its my will and its all new, relationship and how I act as a member. I am willing.
Prayed for a man like this to come into my life. with the qualities. I have been single for 10 years- had my first relationship when I was 15-20 after that doesnt count. I met someone in recovery after 2, 5 year we saw eacother 2 months. I just wanted to try out sex. Now I wanted to casual date someone who had the qualities for a healthy relationship for even making me try it.
I went on a dejtingsite on and off. Very scared of men. Went to acsociate in different milieus and with addicts recovering. I had told myself If I was given I chance to meet somoene like a guy I felt very shameful I used for company in addiction, Id never do it again. What I did was to refuse him cause he was different and very beautiful to me, inside outside I resented him for it.
I met this man in januari 2012 directly after convention.
He was very on to me at the sight I didnt give much told myslef if this is Gods will let it happen his way. I went on a dejt. What I like about him is: This guy sees me, he has given everything I ever asked wished dreamed hoped for and never thought happen. He is a devoted, loving open caring, sympatic, beautiful, helping supporting person. He doesnt expect things he never demands but he is not in program and have his issues.
Thru him in 3 months I felt I got all I dreamed in life with one man I cant stand it I have never felt so happy grateful sad, triggered to leave, terrified and wanting to protect myself, sexual, emotional, physicly.
Issue: I am a 100% NA member I do the program. Done it for 4 years. Now I feel my recovery is treatend. He knows Im in recovery but has no clue what it is. My sponcer sid dont try to explain. I dotn I show but 3 months I havent been able to show ME ME. Cause of the contradititon I feel WHEN I SIT IN my meeting listening to sharings and our steps about drugs and then I feel just like Im committing voilent on myself.
I sticking still about to leave left not seen him for some days getting back to me. I do not now how to handle it. I want to tell him how I feel but how, I feel its scary and Im afraid to leave and be left more afraid God will do what I cant do cause i feel obliged to 1) had fun for given him 2) being able to LET GO I havent uderstood it before but to let myself stand first but also let the one I care for be treated with my best.
I am so afraid of doing wrong to myself and him by leaving and regret cause that is a pattern
I am so afraid of letting go cause of a loving act such as in adoption cause I dont know how Ill feel
I am so afraid to stay cause I beleive I love him deepley but that that kinda love isnt the right love that it is just cause I never experienced these normal behavior in a man. And cause I loved to experience life with a man I think Ive been selfish and that love is something else I felt very like "Im gonna try and Im gonna try to love him even though all about his appearance is ideal". I have come to hurt myself not being able for 3 months to be myself and life been on hold.
Its my feeling and its my head FEAR from past here. But when I communicate my fear with God and force myself to humble myself ans treat him well cause thats all he ever did to me and Im shameful for being me (in my 100 character defects writing on now) I find humility.
I only see Gods will when Im praying quiltley and then I cry out and tell God how thankful I am to have had this opportunity to recover myself and be taken seriously and had someone just stading there when I dealt with my issues. I am so very thankful and I am so sad I dont know how to leave which I think is the best for me. Various reasons.
I cant deal with the fact he sometimes uses, can use and dont get any consequences. In the beginnning I told him not to drink with me and he has no problem. But I cant change him I DONT want to. So I took one of the 8 peoples advice I seeked she met him once she said doesnt sound like it is for you and if you love hik you love everything he does, while my sponcer had told me: tell him to take the bottles away and tell him how to feel I did and he took them away and dont havea rpoblem with it just respecting me.
Ive seeked help from not many with a partner outside NA but the experience been that they werent ready or it wasnt for them.
Ive listened, not really consulted my HP in fear of relaplse cause my head has been so strong. In 4 years not even gone out to a bar or club. makes me uneasy I used to do that for a living and use.
Changed and told him he could use cause I dont want to change him he got confused. Now 3 months gone and after one drink at the cruise we went on I felt I cant handle it.
After that the I shut down, sex dissapeared then yesterday I chose to open up a bit more, he came closer.
my head telling me its not right, worth it, good for you, can make it- my heart says: get out before you hurt yourself either by acting out as I started real much from that day. Or suffer and fear for relapse actually became close.I have been feeling very isolated. I have gone to meetings heard how stupid I am seing "old " friends places and things not understanding that that is why I havent done it for 4 years, seeked HP , seen friends one told me about this WORLD BOARD, done my home, my health and school work so on.
Wow....finally meet the man of your dreams but he uses, so what to do? First. thanks for sharing this. I hear you. My first impulse was to think that if you are in fear of relapse then you should probably listen to that. You "successfully" took a drink, but how will it end if you continue to drink. I think you may have a really nice guy here. After all when you asked him to put away his bottles etc. he did with no problem. If he has no problem with not using around you then that is his choice. Respect it. I hear your confusion and doubt. Pray and meditate on this, and let us know how you are doing.
I have a great relationship with my wife (23 years married). We met when I had almost a year clean (27 years clean now). I told her about my situation. She was fine with me being an addict in recovery and going to meetings. She likes to have a glass of wine with dinner. She is not an addict or alcoholic. She can have one glass of wine and be done. Not me. At first I was a little freaked out about her drinkiing, but I have gotten used to it and I don't even think about it much. She keeps her wine aways from me. She does not make a big deal of it, nor do I. It is just something she does that I don't do. Now, I must admit that it I am tempted sometimes to join her, but I must remember that I am an addict, and that for me, one glass of wine would take me back down the road again to excessive drinking and back to my other drugs. So, I guess I am saying it is possible to have a fruitful, loving relationship with a non-addict who drinks a little bit, but it requires you to be honest with yourself and your partner.
