this is my first post on these boards. after 2+ decades of recovery i find myself questioning my fundamental understanding of right & wrong and i need some truly anonymous help. i've been reading some really good recovery here, so i'm hoping i'm in the right place. for reasons that may become obvious, i prefer not to share this in a face to face meeting.
i've been married for a handful of years to a non-addict. the marriage is financially stable, drama-free and mutually respectful. finally a stable life. like a dream come true for an addict, right? here's the kicker - though we are both completely healthy and enjoyed a normal intimate life while dating, we have had no physical contact for our entire marriage. the core issue seems to be emotions. from the beginning he's made it clear that he cannot tolerate emotionalism - i'm an addict, my emotions aren't always 'right-sized'. as he has little true understanding for this disease (and refuses education on the topic), i have obliged him by always keeping my feelings in check. what i didn't realize was how much i had shut down over the years. there is now zero intimacy between us and i've lost all desire to revive the physical part of the marriage. and i was at peace with that. for a while.
the next part is probably easy to guess - i'm cheating. a man i lost many, many years ago - in large part to my disease - has returned to my life. this is a man who enjoys and celebrates my 'intensity', understands and is proud of my recovery and has made me feel awake and alive for the first time in years. i swear his return felt like a gift from HP. we are geographically distant, so its mostly a virtual thing. but make no mistake, i am very definitely cheating on my husband.
my problem is this - i get that the situation is unbelievably dishonest and my actions could very well damage my recovery. but it simply does not feel wrong to finally be cared for as a whole person - maybe for the first time ever.
i'm not even sure what i'm looking for in terms of 'advice'. i just really needed to get this out i guess. i'm an addict and i'm very confused. any help out there?
Thanks, Dean. I appreciate your thoughts. Besides pray, go to a meeting & read some lit, I really don't have any idea what to do. But thank you for your confidence!
the point is, solutions will emerge on a specific basis, what works for one may not for another, and what's valid in one phase of recovery, may not be so for another !
and of course,,, you know all this...
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hey phg...I am no Dr Phil in fact have been married 3x but I do know that adherence to spiritual principles in the actions and deeds of my life and a honest firm faith and reliance on the God of my understanding brings me to a working 3rd step in all my affairs. (9th /10th and so on.)Only in recovery for this addict have I found the hope and strength in this.....Not always easy but placing the trust and making the decisions and letting that Power take care of the results has helped keep me walking forward in the Light, a day at a time..Dean said it, ,you really do know what to do,you just need the strength to make some decisions and let that Power take care of the results.Free yourself!!Welcome to MIP we are here for each other,no big I's or little U's ,one addict reaching out to another in a loving and caring manner...
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
If we back up a little and check out your recovery work, we'd find that you've been living in a marriage that doesn't grant you the level of satisfaction that you're wanting, that you deserve. The wisdom prayed for in the Serenity prayer should help you determine if that's "acceptance of what can't be changed", or if it's a lack of courage to "change what can be changed." Either way, the real problem is dissatisfaction with your marriage and therefore dissatisfaction with the way your life is going. Should that be accepted or changed?
Is an affair a solution to the problem, a recovery solution? Is the affair only designed to function as something that enlightens you to the real issue? 12 step meetings, talks with our sponsors, reading the literature, sometimes it doesn't reach in and grab us. Sometimes life itself teaches us recovery. We just have to be careful to stay with the principles and not the personalities. Your husband, your secret affair - are those are personalities or principles?
If you've been clean for 2+ decades, then many people would consider you a miracle. I would. That's impressive. That shows strength, determination, perseverance, and other qualities that we need to solve life problems with the least amount of difficulty, harm, and pain both to ourselves and to others.
i most definitely came to the right place. i'm so grateful to this program and the honest, loving people who take the principles to heart, live them, share them. i'm a humbled, blessed beneficiary of your recovery right now. i thank you by letting you know your words are helping me. a lot. life does indeed teach us some valuable recovery lessons, doesn't it?
"Is the affair only designed to function as something that enlightens you to the real issue?" i think you may be on to something, johnjames228. i stated that come-back-man felt like a gift from hp - could it be the lesson, not the man himself, that is the gift? something to pray about, for sure.
MikeF - doing the right thing and letting go of consequences. i really needed to hear that. so simple and yet so hard, but you are exactly right. above all else i need to take care of myself, my recovery. everything beyond that is out of my control.
i have much footwork to do here. the fear i have just thinking about letting go of my safe, stable life is overwhelming. especially in light of the fact that i would be opting for a life alone. there is likely no future with come-back-man as he is also married...with children, btw. (his biz not mine, imho) 20+ years may make me a miracle, but i feel like a chicken right now - hiding out in an emotionless marriage...many, many issues i am likely dodging here - though i've grown so separated from my feelings i couldn't begin to name them. true recovery is not found in a dark cage, is it?
i know you are right, Raman, when you say solutions will emerge. and it's very comforting to be reminded of this. helpful too. i know from experience that staying in a quiet, serene place, strongly connected to hp is essential to recognizing those solutions when they do appear. i will admit there is a certain high one gets with an exciting new affair - easy to be carried off by that and lose sight of true, deep recovery. i won't change my clean date just yet, but i will keep working on finding that calm, open place.
Wow thanks for coming here and opening up for us. Your post has filled me with emotions..and I wish I had something intelligent to say/to help you! But I don't.
Having survived divorce after 25 years of marriage... NA saved my life and gave me a life worth living. Honesty, openmindedness, and willingness were essential. Above all I must be honest with myself. If I were to lose that, I'd be right back where I started. How important is my recovery to me? Those of us who go 'all in' have no regrets
Honesty--with yourself, your husband, and others--is key here. In my active addiction, I was a very dishonest person. I lied, cheated, manipulated, stole, etc. Now that I am in recovery, I am trying to be more honest. Honesty is one of the HOWs of the program. I can't afford to live a lie. It eats me up inside and destroys my spirituality and serenity.
Welcome, my name's Mike I'm a grateful recovering addict. By the Grace of God through the power of NA I'm living my 32nd year Clean. I've also been married 2 months longer than I've been Clean.
You said your marriage was mutually respectful, from my point of view I'm sorry but I disagree on many fronts. Respect is a two way street and it doesn't sound like that is or has been happening from either direction for quite some time if ever. If you Love your spouse and he too Loves you and want to save your mariage counseling may be in order. Simply ignoring your and/or his needs will solve nothing and matters will continue to fester and grow worse.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Welcome to MIP we are here for each other,no big I's or little U's ,one addict reaching out to another in a loving and caring manner...
