well ive been in and out of the program for about seven years....I'm just coming off of a relapse and its still out there and worse......never really wanted to quit completely until now i was kind of using na as a way to control my using; it definitely put a hitch in my get up...you know...anyway, this time ive made a commitment to myself to change--really change who i am so any help would be appreciated...
hi the only piece of advice that i can give you is that to remeber that you are powerless when it comes to drugs. and attend as many meetings as you can. i wish you well just take it one day at a time. Brandy
thanks brandy. my experience to this point has been that the changing of people places and things is the hardest...its hard to be alone when for so much of your life youve been surrounded by people...i know its mandatory and its starting over but its still hard...anyway thanks for taking the time to respond its good to know people care,
You know when i got serious about recovery my old friends and playgrounds kinda let me go. I gave recovery a 100% and the old friends didn't think that was cool so i didn't have to worry about them any more. In my experience it is also easier to let go of all of that if you get involved in your local service work and make new friends within the fellowship. I wish you the best
Go to meeting and make new friend in NA. Addict like to go out for coffee especially after Fri and Sat night meetings and newcomers are always welcome to tag along. Make new friends and a new life, you'll find that it's much better then the old using life. Welcome Home. Bob.
im new to this site like you, i was also born in 1974. I take my hat off to anyone having a go at getting clean! I have been clean for two weeks and every day that passes just gets easier! I hope this is the same for you?
I disagree with brandy who says "you are powerless against the drugs". Most people on this site have been addicts and are now clean, proving we are not powerless. we make a decision to get clean and sort our lives out. It is the harder of the two options, but more rewarding.
hang in there mate, things will get easier. A seasoned addict like yourself will know that.
It's a paradox this first step and powerlessness. You admit that your powerless and you gain control, but you try to control things and they slip through your hands like sand. I'm as stuborn and have as much willpower as anyone but I failed every time I try to control my using and every time I tried to quit. When I surrendered, admitting to my innerself that I couldn't do it on my own and that I needed HELP the world was lifted from my shoulders. Check out this NA recovery site they're folks with more time and knowledge of how this thing works then me. http://www.narecovery.org/ Good luck Bob.
Stephen, It's pretty simple to say "I surrender", to believe that I am powerless is harder. Anytime I put myself in the position of having to say "no thanks, I'm clean now", I am in fact trying to assert power over dope. That is when I am vulnerable and will get my butt kicked! For me powerlessness includes not putting myself into situations where I need to say no. There are a lot of other things that I am powerless over too, but only if I flirt with my character defects. If I just remember not to start down that road again, I will be OK. The surrender part means I don't want to fight anymore, so I need to remember not to pick fights. Lon
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Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms come and go; it is the fragile blossom that opens in the snow.----Alice Mackenzie Swaim
Its like no use going to my club,,, geting invited to sit at a table of drinkers,,, then having to say no when they offer you a drink,,, and then it will be finally
"why arent you drinking anyway ???"
then theyll most probably be angry with you by then,,,,thats when the verbal duels begin !!!
Same way,,, i dont hang around places where theres dope being shared,,,, will lead to the same fights !!!
Remember,,, we need to change our old playmates,playgrounds, playthings !!!!
In my recovery ive found out that many times SOLITUDE IS BLISS !!!
Going to places for the sake of vicarious pleasure is not in for me,,,
there may be other non using people in my life ,,, but i find most of them have either other addictions,,, or have major adjustment problems !!!
Sometimes,, i simply face my lonliness and realize this is a perfect time to be oblems and feelings !!!!
We do know that an addict alone is in bad company,,, and many times we are alone,,,,
over a period of time,,, ive found that rather than compulsively searching for company,,, i set this as a time for myself to do hobbies, Prayer, Meditation, excercises etc,,, including writing and relating with my sponsor !!!
Simply stated we need to remember not only that an addict alone is in bad company,,, but also on the reverse,,, like it says in our Basic Text
Our people pleasing behaviour carried us deeper into our addiction !!!
I Truly believe that it is better to be alone than to choose the company of people who are a bad influence on me !!!
i have no delusions that others can make me behave in ways other than those that are in my best interests,,,,
however infulence, affect,and such like can also change my behaviour towards negative....
i find that in each and every repeated negative circumstance or situation i find myself in,,,
ive actually cooperated to set myself up for trouble !!!!
this is when i need to live the Second Step and really move away from negative energies !!!!
learning to do things right, do things better is one thing id conciously choose when im aware ,,,
but eating humble pie ??? this i totally reject !!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
anyway, this time ive made a commitment to myself to change--really change who i am so any help would be appreciated...
Hi Stephen! I'm an addict called Mike. I have the disease of addiction but I no longer have to suffer from it. I too have relapsed, and relapsed, and relapsed. I don't want to keep coming back anymore. I want to stay. I understand what you are saying about commitment. I've tried many ways to change in the past. It has been over 25 years for me. In and out, in and out. The drugs have changed, but the suffering is still the same. I don't want a relationship with a drug anymore. I want relationships with people. It's not easy.
So I made a commitment also. Not so much to change but to Narcotics Anonymous. I once heard a speaker tape of Jimmy K. where he said it's not so much a case of us changing but becoming who we really are. So I am trying to discover who I am with NA, becoming aware of my character defects, and becoming willing to let God remove them as he sees fit. Instead of looking at the steps and realizing I need to change, and thinking I can change without them, I am working the steps and trying to incorporate them in my life every day to the best of my ability.
Thanx for letting me share, I'll Keep Coming Back!
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Our purpose is to remain clean, just for today, and to carry the message of recovery.
Recovery is what happens at our meetings. Our lives are at stake. We found that by putting recovery first, the program works.
Basically i believe i had managed in life in my using days and before that with a very false character !!!
Was i done with that false c. when i got clean ???
Oh no !!!!
so when i began to live life clean and was guided in the NA WAY,,,, it became obvious that i dont have to use that false character anymore,,,
my sponsor helped me identify that when the false c. was acting on my behalf,,,
i was angry, irritated, stupid,loud etc,,,,
those are the things i had to watch out for !!!
and i had to get ready and be willing to ask Higher Power to show me how to live without those characteristics !!!!!
so when angry, irritated, confused, stupid,pushy,,,, i know whos acting,,, aint the real me !!!!
not being who i really am,,,,the real self,, the real me is
confident, onoimpulsive, nonobssessed, spiritual and living in the just for today mode,,,
clean and serene and secure in Love and Generosity !!!!
the things of real worth that i have now in my life are the result of kind acts of empathy by wise and loving people !!!!
so now,,,in that direction,,closer to what i really am,,,the thing im working on now on a daily basis is to let go of vengefulness,,,,, and practice mercy !!!
This is a sure shot cure for long standing resentments,,,,,mercy !!!!
instead of wasting time planning and plotting revenge, punishment etc,,,,,
its better to ask God for mercy !!!!
( anyone heard the jazz track= Mercy, Mercy Mercy ???)
Be wary of the emotional outburst when you are clean,,,any outraged acting out, hateful encounter etc.... stamps you as an angry and therefore unreliable person,,,
in my case,,, i believe my addiction to smack and tabs, grass and booze,,, some lsd etc,,, those addictions and withdrawls completely distorted my rational side,,,,
more the fian encounter with treatment saw me having no withdrawl pains like i did before,,,, the fact was i was at the highest using level of smack, but surprisingly i did not feel twisted, contorted etc,,,
but later on i realized the extent of damage when i began getting very angry very fast,,,
luckily by breathing excercises and Step work,,, that actually stopped controlling my life,,,,
but ther are still times when im caught off guard,,,,,just when im thinking
'whew,,, i havent been mad in a long time''',,, thats exactly when rage and madness comes back in,,, then the remorse,, guilt /shame etc,,,,,
so what exactly am i powerless over here ???
yes,, im powerless over anger,,, but also over the false pride that had me thinking that id somehow on my own discovered how to control anger !!!!
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I have the disease of addiction but I no longer have to suffer from it. I too have relapsed, and relapsed, and relapsed. I don't want to keep coming back anymore. I want to stay. I understand what you are saying about commitment. I've tried many ways to change in the past. It has been over 25 years for me. In and out, in and out. The drugs have changed, but the suffering is still the same. I don't want a relationship with a drug anymore. I want relationships with people. It's not easy. 
