Hi, my name is Brooke. I'm new to this site and was actually looking around for a place to get some help outside my local fellowship. I'm just looking for advice or someone to share their story with me.
The area where I attend meetings is not a very big community/county so in turn the fellowship is not very big. I'm 29 years old and moved here about two years ago, a little while before I took another stab at getting clean. It seems to have worked so far...November 14th will be two years. So I'm not a newcomer to meetings and I wasnt' when I moved here. Let me tell you, things are a lot different from southern California, not just the population.
I've never come across this problem nor have I ever known anyone to come across this problem. I'm feeling like I'm running out of people to turn to. My partner, my best friend, all my friends are in Recovery and they all know each other too...my sponsor is best friends with my partners best friend, who is also friends with my best friend...and I can go on and on but the point is I'm starting to feel like I'm not sure where to turn for my mental health.
I cannot begin to explain why I feel this way (this is where you come in) and do not know how to fix it. I just feel like I'm beginning to suffocate. Problem is when I do that, I start to isolate myself and I know that's not any good either.
I hope Ive understood you correctly and my share corrosponds with your needs.
Believe me when I say that tho we live 15000 miles apart, we seem to face the same problem. Suffocating, like you say is a standard in my recovery. I used to overwhelmed by it before, but now its a signal to move on or move out of comfort zone.
Strange thing is I too came into recovery when I was 27, after daily use over 14 years. Ive felt the choking-sensation too.
Then after sharing and getting meaningful insight, I realized that recovery must involve a bit of creativity and innovativeness. This keeps things fresh for a an addict like me who can get bored easily. The first thing that comes to mind is to ask if youre doing NA service. NA service completely compensates for boredom, drudgery and suffocation......
Then came doing the Steps and Meditation,, and today, Im no longer choked !
I hope you can identify that service to the addict that still suffers is the most exiting thing a recovering addict can do. Hope this works for you too..
Best of luck and long recovery hugs to you (((((((((((())))))))))))))
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Hi Brooke and welcome to our supportive little community. I can understand how it feels opressive to have everyone know everyone else in a small area. My area is not really small but is broken into 'zones' The northern meetings rarely attract addicts from the southern towns and vice versa, so it seems smaller than it is. I'm lucky in that i live sort of in the middle so while i usually attend meetings in the southern part of the area, i often will travel farther north, just to be around some different recovering addicts. If you have another area that is not too far from you, maybe visiting their meetings once in awhile can give you some relief. The only other thing i can suggest is to expand your support group to people outside your area. That can be difficult i know, but coming here is a start. If you want to contact someone from this forum, just click on their name, this will bring you to their profile where you will see 'private messaging' ....'send an email' it doesn't display the members email address but when you click on it, it will send them one and perhaps you can begin a correspondence with someone whose message you find helpful. There are members of this forum who call and email each other regularly, and are valued members of each others support group even though they may be separated by thousands of miles. Thanks for your post. You touched on an area of recovery that is not discussed much but is very important for many of us to face. Hope to hear from you again.
Last night was the first night in a while that I got some good sleep. It's amazing how opening my mouth makes that work. After I found this site and typed some thoughts down, I felt much better. Today was much easier to deal with as well.
I am involved with service and this time in recovery it's become very clear how important service can be. I've been a GSR at a local meeting for almost two years and have come to a point where I dread the 4th Sunday of the month, this is not a feeling I am comfortable with. I want to fix it. I keep thinking I'll give it up but my area is lacking in...people who want to do service, so then I worry no one will take it over, then I think about swapping (can you tell I'm a worrier) and it comes full cirlcle. Unfortunately my area has gotten to a point where I am not comfortable, things seem to be a little cliquie and I've been told there seems to be a cycle of that over the years. I mean I've really been holding on to principles by the skin of my teeth but my skin is also crawling because it's killing me to see people being treated like principles because others' don't like their personalities. People aren't principles (especially "yours"), they are people with feelings and thoughts, and it seems to be that these same people like to blow smoke up their own asses. I don't get it but I sure know that I don't want to stand by and watch it or endure it. That's not what N.A. is to me, it's not my N.A. way, it's not my N.A. program, I just hope that the newcomers can see thru all the smoke. It's funny as I type this I can feel my weight being lifted! It's funny what a little footwork and creativity can do for a person. :) I'll have to find HP's way...He may have left a trail but it's taken me so long to be willing to follow it that from time to time I know that I'm gonna have to pull out my machete and chop back some of the brush that's become so overgrown- not His doing, mine- I've gotta do the work.
Again thank you so much. I have not felt this grateful in a while. I just got a big N.A. hug and there is no one in the room! ;)
Usually when I'm pointing my finger at someone or someone's behavior there are three fingers pointing back at me.
Having held as many as 7 NA service hats at once and served over 30 positions all except one for their full term indeed know the benefits of Service in NA. It took me years for the beginnings of understanding the Traditions and how Principles befor Personalities works. Don't judge too harshly with your relatively new eyes and ears in NA Service. I don't have to like someone to love them and work with them. Service was were I began to learn how to constructly interact with others. The countless service meetings over the years, often seemingly insane, were my human interaction learning grounds. Like I said, it took me years to really begin to find equilibrium.
Keep doing what you're doing. Remember it's hard to fall of the edge if you stay in the middle, and the middle in NA is Service. Also try and remember for the most part all active in NA Service are doing the best they can coming from where they are in their Journey in NA Recovery. We don't miraculously become well (or become Statesman) over night, so remember Easy Does It!
Keep Coming Back!
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Mike, thank you for showing me a bit of clarity. These past few days I have come to realize where my part is in this, where instead of shying away from the human interaction because it is not comfortable, I should continue to follow my motivation for joining N.A. service in the first place. I want to give back what was given to me and lead by example. My actions speak much louder than words. Wheather or not my actions will be noticed is irrelevent and should not be a factor in my reasoning for living a program.
...living life on life's terms, for me means, taking what has been given to me and make it work. It's progress not perfection...man, oh man, has that saved my butt a few times :)
Brooke: Glad you found us. I've lived in small towns before, so I understand the issues there. Two suggestions: Try going to some different meetings in different places and do some step work on this issue. What character defect is affecting you when you get uncomfortable in this situation? Are you afraid of letting people know you too well? Are you afraid of being manipulated or controlled by other people? Concerning NA service, we say principles before personalities, but people are not perfect and they don't live up to this standard. Service involves politics and personalities. That's just what happens. We try to follow the 12 traditions and 12 concepts to deal with this, but often fall short. Service is a very important part of my recovery: it makes me feel connected to NA and is my way of showing my gratitude for NA. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from service, however. I've known a few people in my time who have become service junkies. They got over-committed and burned out. They needed to restore balance in their lives, i.e. spend time doing things other than NA service, such as family, work, hobbies, etc. This may not your situation, but it does happen. Keep coming back. Don't use and go to meetings.
and another line of exitement for me is the upcoming area convention, Ive been elected hospitality chair and am looking forward to some real, hardcore service here !
and in the meanwhile, Im taking more interest in my baby's high school examination preperations as also backing her up in her basketball interest by being there for my child.
Hopefully, a recording job with an acclaimed Swedish artiste will manifest later this week.
And in the meanwhile, walk, home group recovery meetings, talk to ma, yall and FB pals and yoga and Meditate !
this keeps me away from being a service junkie....
I agree with Dave's suggestion to examine oneself,, this works where all else fails !
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thank you guys for your thoughts and suggestions! More reasons which remind me that deep down I do really love the fellowship....
I went to my first meeting tonight in over a week. The meeting that I skipped last week to come here. I'm very relieved that I was able to come here and talk to more fellow addicts because it has really helped me get through the last week. Another "positive", I got sick this week so I've had to sit on my ass and think. Normally this isn't something that's good for me to do but this last week I've realized that I've been going, and going, and adding more things to my plate, and building resentments because I was trying to run as fast as I could from my own head. Not paying any attention to the well-being of myself, then turning it around and blaming someone else for my lack of self-care. Through all that craziness, I'm so grateful I can always find an addict who can relate...which is what kept me from staying away from meetings.
I'm pretty sure that I still gotta lotta work to do on this HP project, but I've realized I can go into a meeting, and sit, and listen without ever understanding but having faith in my HP that He'll show me the way and He'll leave little clues along the way for me to find.
I have faith...today I will be unafraid because I will know that my HP will ALWAYS be by my side, even when my brain tells me that on one else will.
Good stuff Brooke. It all comes down to that initial surrender. Once we truly admit that the disease of addiction is stronger than we are and will kick our ass everytime, then we can let go of our self seeking agenda and just give in to the program and our Higher powers will for us. It's a beautiful thing.
