first of all, I'm glad you're here. I'll go to a meeting soon but I need to dump this now, on my way to work.
a year ago yesterday I was at my bottom. I'm grateful for it; it woke me up to the insanity of my life I'd been pretending to live for decades.
yesterday was hard -- I was irritable all day, I couldn't get with the program other than to trudge through the day. because my bottom involved a horrific situation with my SO, I gave him the reigns for the evening. we went to an okay restaurant and had an okay meal.
yesterday was okay. so why is that not enough? why do I feel like there's something missing? why do I still want to struggle with the facts? the surrender to the situation happens again and again, in waves. an unconscious aspect wants to change things, to minimize the situation, and then I find myself again needing to face the hard data of my bottom. parts of it are immutable, and I'll live with them forever.
part of me wants to parade my guilt around, to underscore its importance in my shifted life today. a wiser part of me wants to find a quiet way to honor this dark time, but privately. soon comes my anniversary of my clean date; that's a much happier occasion.
today, like most, I sat for about 20 minutes and meditated. sometimes "okay" is "enough" and it beats the hell out of "insane." I struggle with this memory today, and I have compassion for the one that struggles.
Pain shared is hopefully pain lessened.Thanks for sharing from your heart, A true blessing of our restoration(when our addiction and its accompanying insanity no longer control our lives)is our new awareness of whats going on with us"feelings" something we may have kept buried for long periods of time,(keep it on me here)We work toward progress ,not perfection, a day at a time.....Keep moving forward,share as if your life depends on it,and at times it truly may..Own the feelings, and go forward from there,remember to keep a 3rd/11step in your life, daily!!!.Let us know how it goes...........
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Keep Coming Back! One Day at a Time it gets different, sometimes better sometimes just different. And different than it was taint a bad thing even if we don't understand what the heck is going on inside us at the moment! Change doesn't happen over night, more like years, decades, a lifetime.
This whole recovery thing is simply about learning how to accept me, who and what I am, and learning how to be the best Clean me I can be. The Steps are the roadmap. The Rooms are the vehicle to tap our Power. Our Higher Power is just that our Power. Our Sponsor is our Recovery tour guide.
Coming up on a Year of One Day at a Times. Congrats in advance. No small feat, a Miracle, yet just another day One Day at a Time Clean. That's all any of us have, whether one year or thirty something years. A Year Clean is Huge and at the same time no biggy. Heh, I don't have the power to stay Clean in and of myself my HP through NA lifted that terrible burden from my shoulders long ago. I woudn't have stuck around for over three decades if I could do it on my own! But yeah, I do give myself credit for doing a lot of footwork as should you.
Keep Coming Back, it's a hellava Journey!
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Thanks folks -- "everything is temporary" is a good thing to keep in mind.
The feelings needed some airtime, an echo of the insanity from a year ago. They've faded in anticipation of birthday night coming up tonight. Today is my 365th day clean & sober. It'll be exactly a year about dinnertime tonight, when I had that last beer medicating benzodiazepine withdrawal a year ago.
Wow, a full year -- so much time; so many times life turned the tables and placed intoxicants in the way of my path -- usually in garish, cartoony ways (my mom withdrawing from xanax in the hospital was particularly bizarre-o), but sometimes in subtle, subversive ones too. (Getting charged for hotel minibar liquor I didn't consume made me obsess, and then an irrational voice said "if they're going to charge you, just consume it!")
Luckily I stayed the course and dodged all the weirdness to resume using. I may be a bit of a coffee fiend, but 3-4 cups a day isn't terribly out of whack. Eventually I may eliminate caffeine too, but I will seek guidance from my HP on that if and when I feel I should.
What impresses me most about looking back on this year is the deepening of my spiritual path, the kindness and open-mindedness of kindred spirits, and a greater respect for the gift of life I have now. I take better care of myself, and my body thanks me with more stable moods, more even sleep, better memory and a happier general outlook. The family I have chosen, that has chosen me, I feel is with me for the long haul. We know each other in ways most family can't.
If you're reading this and find yourself struggling, find a meeting. Someone there will understand.
