I happened upon this site looking for ways to help me/myself. It's taken a LONG time to really admit to myself that I'm addicted to (legal) Rx's. I had done SOOOO well and been really sober for almost 2.5 yrs. Then in Dec '10 I fell and broke my ankle in 3 major places, had reconstructive surgery w/8 screws and large metal plate to put it all back together. And alas, it started again. Being in so much pain for so many months I had Rx's for Vicadin an Tramadol. And as you know......once you start back down that road it's seems impossible to turn back. I feel that I really have to get my s**t together at this point in my life.
You see, not only did I break my foot in Dec, but in a span of 8 weeks I also lost my job, was unable to seek work, and was also evicted from my apt. To top it off, my entire blood family turned their backs on me, said I'd made bad life choices, and deserved what I got. We used to be SO close, and I haven't spoken a single word to any of them in almost 5 months now. My ex-husband (bless his soul) took me in so I wouldn't be living on the streets. Now, I'm living in another state, in a city I know NOTHING about, with a future that I'm having a hard time seeing. This is truly an all time low for me - and really & truly I've always been such a positive person. Doesn't help my self-esteem that 4 months of immobility also caused a 35 lb weight gain (sheesh!)
I'm now walking again, actively seeking employment. But still have a hard time with life. Haven't had anything in the last 4 days and my nerves on totally on end. How do you make it through sometimes?
Most of us have had to find a power greater then our addiction to hand our addiction over to. We then follow threw with everything else in life we're powerless over to that power and let that power guide and direct our thinking.
It's a pretty drastic change isn't it ? from trying to do it totally on our own to depending on an unseen source of power. That takes humilty, faith, trust and surrender , but whats it take to get to that point?
It takes what it takes I just gave you the answer, this is an action program, if your not openminded your not going to get this, if your not totally honest your not going to get this and keep it, if your not humbled enough by your addiction to surrender, your not going to get it.
The actions are #1 Go to meetings and read the literature, #2 Get a sponsor and work the 12 steps, #3 get into service and help others, #4 Trust a higher power to get you threw each day clean. OH and keep coming back this works when your ready for it to work...
Are you going to NA meetings? I would find it impossible to stay clean without the help and support of other recovering addicts in meetings. Hope you can make it to a meeting soon.
Back in the '98 I had a major car accident- I was in constant pain unable to walk afraid of surgerys'developed allergy's to opiates- (severe) and found cocain. I thought it was the best painkiller on earth. While I used- I could move- when I came down- I hurt like hell. For several years I used and never saw the downward spiral.
I got clean 4 years ago-after my addiction progressed to crack cocain and living on the streets- literally.
A few months ago I slipped on a wet a floor at work and was unable to move for a month. It exacerbated the existeing injuries. All the feelings came flooding back. the uselssness, worthlessness, fear of losing all I had gained, and heading back to the streets. I had an incompatent workmans comp lawyer who filed with the wrong insurance company and never returned calls. 2 months in I have to tell you the depression was damning.
If not for my support system, reworking the steps, my sponsor, meetings, and group service committments, I surely would have used- no doubt. I picked up some area service committments, pray alot, listened to others who had gotten thru similar situations and stayed clean and used their suggestions. I kept my faith in my higher power, humbled myself and asked for help, filed for food stamps, and continued going to meetings every day.
I fired the incompetant lawyer 2 months ago, at my sponsors suggestion, and within a week my new lawyer had me finally seeing a doctor. A week later -down to my last hundred in the bank- I began to get workmans comp. I filed for SSI- (havn't heard any thing yet) and made an appointment with the division of Vocational Rehabilitation Dept. to see if I can get trained in work within my physical restrictions.
At my first doctors appointment I told my Workmans comp Doc- I am a recovering addict and can not take ANY Narcotics. I am also getting mental therapy thru a free clinic to deal with things I am going through. On my assessment I made it clear I am an addict in recovery and would like to try therapy before ANY drugs for depression or anxiety. I go 3 times a week, still work my steps, and go to meetings every day.
I have picked up a few sponcees in the midst and find it sooooo takes my mind off my own shit. I recently joined a Step and Tradition Workshop with my very large sponcee family. And yes- this takes my mind off the constant pain. I can't to explain how it does it.
I did none of this last time around- I changed every thing in response to the injury and and its fallout in my life. I feel usefull again, I am still broke but eating still limited physically and hurt, and have a roof over my head AND I STILL LAUGH!!!!!!!
I NEVER thought it possible to go thru this and stay clean. Yet I am. I feel better knowing I am doing things to help myself - and often I am in limbo on my future, financial and physical- but trust my Higher Power. Some days are worse than others. But to my amazement I made another day clean- NO MATTER WHAT.
I could not possibly have done this on my own.
I am not out of the woods yet and am facing other health problems that have come to light only from tests for the injury. My God works mysteriously- but always on point. I also shared at meetings about the new medical problems and got so much feedback and experience from others that I am not DREADING, or on the PITY POT! And that is so OMG!!!! I don't know if I will be able to stay away from narcotics medically- through out this ordeal- but I and my doctors are doing our best to avoid them.
If it comes to where I have to - surely I will be taking suggestions and using them. I know I am an addict and there are just going to be things I have to do different than normal people.
One day at a time. Just for today. I am not alone.
