Growing up My life wasnt so fair, my dad was always drunk and my mom was in and out of my life and always on drugs and never kept her promises I swore I never was gonna be like my parents, we always moved from home to home and sometimes lived under the bridge, all I knew was drinking and drugs I grew up around it, we moved to winston and thats when everything went down hill  I fell for a guy that killed a bum, I started hanging out with the wrong crowed I thought that what I was doing was cool. And it was ok because my parents did it. I ended up gettig on probation for furnishing alcohol, I was in and out of juvenile detention,  I didnt care about what I did or who I was or what happened to me I thought it was all okay, I ended up getting with one of my brothers best friends  We were together for about a month, he decided to move to washington to get off of probation, and I found out I was pregnant, a week later I went to court to get  off of house arrest, and they put me in residential treatment Deer Creek.  I was only in there for 9 days and I haited it , some girl decided to tell me I was gonna have a retarded baby so I ended up threatning her, and getting arrested I went to juvenile detention for 36 days, I didnt know where my life was going at that point, I thought I had it all figured out and I didnt,  that was just the beginning, I always liked being in juvie, and it was because I was away from my problems and I felt safe & secure in there, I knew it wasnt right, I was so hateful and resentful I blamed all my mistakes on everyone else but my self, I should have listened , I thought I was in love because I was having his kid, but I guess its not always that way, I ended up getting shipped to Baker City, elkhorn adolescent treatment drug and alcohol/ behavior center. In the beginning I haited it, I thought it was So gay, I faught with all of the girls in there, I was pregnant and just haited the world, I got really close to my counselor, pixie aka my kids god mother, I ended up being there for 96 days then I graduated it, then I went to Safe haven a maternity home, for homeless mothers, I was there for 6 months, I just couldnt trust my kids dad because he had moved his ex in his house before, I was always worried about him cheating on me and getting with some other girl, we were always fighting and abusing each other I didnt listen to anyone I thought everyone was lieing and just trying to tear me and him apart when in reality they wanted me to get away from him before something bad happened, I always told myself that I was gonna give my daughter a better life then what I had, I ended up getting kicked out of safe haven because I wasnt listening and mine and my daughters dads  fighting got out of control, then I moved into casa de belen. I was only there for a month I thought that my daughter being born would make me and dylan happier and bring us closer, but no it tore us apart and made us fight even more,  he ended up hitting me and trying to steal my kid from me, I was always screaming at the top of my lungs at him and crying and wasnt paying attention to mine or my daughters needs I just wanted him to grow up and give up the things I had to give up, I guess mothers grow up before fathers in most cases,  they had enough and decided to kick me out to,  I had no where to go, I ended up getting arrested getting out the next day, I didnt know what to do anymore, I was freaking out they came and toke my kid from me and arrested me again, I was so upset I cried in my sleep, I thought it was the end , I got out and ended up getting back with Him, which was the biggest mistake ever, I was so afraid of losing him I went crazy I started abusing him, trying to control him and it was a disaster he had enough and left me for some other girl, I really wished me and him worked out because I wanted my kid to grow up with a mother and father, well it didnt.  I haited CSD for taking my kid from me, I wouldnt do anything they told me to do, I was always missing school, cussing at everyone, freaking out, doing the opposite of what I was told, everynight I would cry myself to sleep, I haited seeing my daughter with another family, I never thought it was so hard to get youre baby back. I Ended up being put on a contract at school, getting my phone taken away so I never got to use my phone in school, I had my visits moved from pheonix to DHS, they  moved my visits from twice a week to ounce a week, I started haiting everyone, I moved from house to house, I lived in about 5 different places from there I either got kicked out over my hot temper or moved out because I didnt like there rules, I started missing my daughter more and more each day, I was an emotional wreck, I thought that god was punishing me, then everything just hit me, I knew if I didnt get my act straight that My daughter was gonna grow up calling someone else Mommy. And not know who I was and end up getting molested or something and that was my biggest fear,  so I started going to school everyday, I went throught anger management classes graduated them, got off of probation, started living with my dad in a stable home, started going to parenting classes, going through all theese different programs and counselors to benefit me and help me be a better person and a good mother to my daughter, I never got to really grow up and I think It will be more fun by reliving my childhood with my daughter, and being a little kid with her all over again, and doing for her and being her mom and treat her the way I wish I was treated, now im really starting to realize I dont need a guy to make me happy I dont need drugs and alcohol to take away my worries,  I dont need to be the prettiest girl that every guy wants or have a lot of friends, all I need in my life is my daughter I get the best feeling when iam with her she makes me wanna be the best person I can be, she makes all my worries go away she lights me up I can get a better high just by being with her  than drugs and alcohol can give me, when someone says her name my eyes just light up, I love everything about her, I couldnt ask for more, I wish I could have seen this before I lost her, I dont think I could ever forgive my self for what I have done, all I need is another chance to be the best mother I can be to her. People do make mistakes no one is perfect and I do know that. I hope my daughter grows up and dont make the same mistakes as I did, and waits I wanna be able to tell her my story and what has happened to me and everything I have gone through just to get her home, I hope she grows in to the girl I wish I was a year ago.