Hello to all..this is my first time on this site. I do love it. I am a 52 year old grandmother who has been in recovery for 13 years. I have had one rerlapse which was March of 2008 and ofcourse returned to where I belonged and got back into recovery. I have never utilized a sponsor and have never done all the steps. Where I live, the nearest big town is 40 minutes away and there are not a lot of ladies to choose from as far as getting a sponsor. Anyway..I am trying to do the steps due to some addictive behaviors I believe I am being posessed by. One being responsible. By this I mean , I am responsible when it comes to showing up for work and doing a good job but, I am not responsible for what I do with the money I make from that job. I also have a terrible problem with putting things off. This may not seem like much to some people but, it is truly affecting my life today. I have been told that by doing my steps , a lot of these defects will go away and make "changing" in areas of my life easier. I have been working out of the NA step workbook and am now on Chapter 3. "Handing it over". This step really seem to hit me..handing it over??? then what?? I am going to read this step yet again. I seem to have an issue with turning things over which i turn would mean ..me not having the control. I truly do not like some of the defects in me but at the same time am having a problem handing over anything to something I no nothing about. God. Yes the spiritual part of this program. I cant seem to get passed this step due to my failure in believing ...I think i need to learn more about God to move on in this step working....I need to trust that if i hand over ...it doesnt have to be everything..oh heck i dont know..I just cant seem to accept handing over and losing what i think is control..anyone have any insight??
Welcome to the board and congrats on coming back and 3yrs Clean.
Can't rightly say I have any earth shaking insights or pearls of wisdom. I will say that for me, once I fully surrendered I found much greater strength and was able to one degree or anther finally let go of the illusion of control. Trouble with Step 3 for me meant I hadn't fully accepted Step 1, I wanted to manage my life thank you very much! Oh sure I couldn't manage using, but my life? Please, I have a genius IQ therefore I must have the intelligence to manage my own life!
Illusions, delusions. Once I fully Surrendered to Step 1 part 2 life finally became managable because I didn't have to be in control. What, that doesn't make sense! Nope, yet it's true. Strength comes in surrender. And if I wasn't to be in control, I had to come to believe in something else greater than me. Don't ask me how, just had to, fake it 'til you make it.
Now I could really move on to a real to the core of my being Step 2, and 3...12. BTW, it took me a good 20+ years Clean to fully surrender.
Don't have a sponsor? Get one, no excuses. How much effort, how many miles would you drive, how long woulld you wait to get your next high? I had to be just as willing to go after my Recovery.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Working the 12 steps with a sponsor can help you to deal with your defects of character. There's no guarantee that they will go away, but they will get better if you work at it. A sponsor is a necessity: you need someone who has experience with working the steps who can help you work them.
Hello Cindy, Thank you so much for sharing with us today. The honesty and pain shone through. Yes, you are on the right track...The steps, if worked honestly and with an experienced guide (sponsor) will change your life. They did for me. self centered fear is the core of our disease. Fear of losing control is keeping you prisoner. There is joy in surrender. The weight of the world can be lifted from your shoulders. Of course you will make your own decisions and some of them won't be right. But you will never be alone again. As we work through the steps and begin to live the principles embodied in them, we begin to lose the fear that prevents us from expressing ourselves and being free. I urge you to find someone to work the steps with you. There are those who have on-line sponsors and make the journey together via phone calls and emails. Our literature warns against working them on your own. After all, how are we supposed to recognize when we are deceiving ourselves? Once again, thanks for the post. I truly was moved by your candor. I hope you become a regular posting member of our supportive recovery community. sincerely, donM
Hello CINDY and Welcome.Thank you for your honesty(the antidote to our diseased thinking)As has been touched on here, self-sponsorship doesn't really work,very hard to see our own deception and as addicts we sure can deceive ourselves and others. Our goal is not just abstinence but recovery thru our 12 steps. We surrender in our 1st step.,We deal with the insanity(not of drugs,but of our behaviors and attiudes in our 2nd STEP. In the 2nd step ,the Power is not meant to be our Higher Power, our ultimate Higher Power, we address that in our 3rd step.The Power we speak of in our 2nd step is the Power greater than ourselves that can change from situation to situation.Writings say THAT a power not "in" or "who" that Power is. Could be NA program, a sponsor,someone who may have shared something that helped you be aware of something you may be doing in the wrong way so you can be able to change it, could be pain, always a motivator, another recovering addict, G.O.D.(good orderly direction)Spiritual principle of the step etc...Coming to believe is what restores us to sanity, with an open mind, based on the evidence, you can see that power. Writings ask us"do we now believe or even willing to believe in a Power greater than ourselves and that Power need only be loving and caring and greater than you.. When we do believe or at least are willing to believe we are on our way to forming a base for our recovery to move forward. When we look at step 3 "we have to first "make the decision(honesty,openmindedness and willingness) and we turn our will and lives(many different facets of our lives as parents,husbands,wives,sisters,brothers,sons,daughters etc)to the CARE of, Very important word..The analogy so often used is "when you take your kids to babysitters you dont turn them over to the babysitter but to the "care" of.Just like our ultimate Higher Power(of any concept we choose, one that may change as you move forward,a process not an event)We need a sponsor to help us work thru each different area of the steps, someone who doesn't have all the answers but does have experience of working with their sponsor thru the steps and applying them in their lives..Working steps without a sponsor,not in order,is like joining a gym and refusing to exercise,you will not get the true benefits of our process.We start restoration physically(step 1)mentally (step 2) and spiritually step 3.We start to lose them just the opposite, spiritually,then mentally and we finally pickup(physically)When you look back and see did you really have control anyway? Did your best thinking get you where it did? Fear is a part of our self centeredness, as was stated ,the core of our disease.Congratulations on your clean time, jump in and really find that new way of life, the solution to our dilemma,a spiritual solution guided by the God of our own understanding and practiced with the principles of our program Narcotics Anonymous in the steps..Glad you are here,keep coming back ,we need you!( I write big cause i cant see well, joys of aging:) :) peace
-- Edited by MIKEF on Sunday 17th of April 2011 12:55:34 PM
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
( I write big cause i cant see well, joys of aging:) :) peace
