As time goes by I get glimpses of whats going on in my recovery that pertain to perception.
Perception is an awareness, an understanding,discernment of stimulus, things going on around me and within me.
Honesty is the hardest thing for me to get . To look at myself and what i'm feeling and what i'm doing reactivley with those feelings, often it drives me batty.
Thats why we take it slow, thats why we ask for help in ALL MATTERS, either on the group level or individually with others.
Remember most of us are to some digree INSANE, ok maladjusted is that better (softer, gentler ) ? LOL.
And the reason I ask if you can handle it is because at certain times your going to find out things about yourself that aren't very attractive and your gonna feel real Fkn ugly, your gonna feel a little like a loser, capital " L".
This is where acceptance of self, the ability to work the steps with a higher power who CAN remove defects and shortcoming and often times terrible personality disorders. Thing is we have to,,, no WE MUST work the steps and not alone. Share with others, "Tell on yourself" to someone else, no secrets, ( know secrets )no hidden agendas ( know hidden agendas ), tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the boulder of shame and guilt will be lifted from ones shoulder, a lighter load is easier to live with day in and day out then a buttload of crap burdening you down making you drag your ass threw life, making you uncomfortable and discontented to the point you look for outside stimuli ( dope and alcohol ) to MAKE you feel better.
This is about longeivity, this is about quality. This is about peace of mind and body. This is about being there for the other addict who needs and wants help just like I did when I came in I needed and wanted SOMEONE to help me and I found those people in these rooms and especailly in the heavens.
-- Edited by BigV on Tuesday 22nd of March 2011 10:05:35 AM
Over the years, I've gotten better at recognizing my character defects and how they impact me and others. I have gotten a little better at letting go of them and adopting positive character traits. Instread of trying to control other people, I try to be accepting. Instead of getting full of anxiety about little things, I try to have some faith. I'm far from perfect, but I feel that I am getting better, bit by bit. My sponsor can help me see the progress I am making and can help point me in the right direction.
Knowing that i'm not alone is one of the huge gifts NA has given me. Having a higher power of my understading is another. I pray and meditate often. I speak to God, and i listen for knowledge of His will for me. Sometimes I don't get an answer, or i don't recognize it if it has come. Other times the answer is startlingly clear. Like last night.....My wife has been complaining to me recently about my part in the relationship. I haven't really been getting it. Last night I prayed for understanding, and meditated. In my meditative state (was it a dream?) I 'felt' what she was feeling. A combination of anger and hurt. It became clear to me what she was talking about. We talked about it this morning. It takes two people to have and/or damage a relationship...We talked about that as well and came up with some things to do. I don't know the outcome of this exercise, only He does...but that moment of clarity was a gift. I believe that things are and will continue to get better. YaY God!
I have found that perception is everything to my experience. It amazes me how much my perception differs from even my sponsor"s at times. Oh, that:s why we have one. I realized that knowing that I could change my complete attitude to one of positive solution or complete condemnation thru my perception I was thinking I was really on to something. I beliieve I was. What I experienced was my inability to keep my disease from screwing with this whole process. I am powerless if I am without help and direction. I am greatful for that insight and the ability to work the steps and allow this realization to become and asset rather than an obsesstion. Thanx for opening my mind! Fred
