I don't even know what to say. I am scared to begin this journey/program and I am scared not to. I know I need to find a meeting to go to, but I am terrified of that. Honestly, you guys on this board are my only link to any sort of recovery right now. I know, I know. That is not enough. I need a meeting and a sponsor. I am just so full of shame and embarrassment right now.
I am trying to work the steps. Let me ask you, is there a certain way to work them? I am reading the basic text. I guess I don't really understand what it means to "work" the steps. Just think about them? Write? What? I am assuming talking about them is essential, as is working them WITH a sponsor, which I do not yet have.
I guess I know the answers. I am just scared to follow them. God has given me so much. I have so much for which to be thankful. I am truly thankful for all of you. While it is my only outlet for this shame I have right now, it is the beginning and has been very useful. Thank you for that. You are all strong and amazing. Prayers for your recovery.
Hey Paula!(an old song from my era!!!) it is not unusual to be frightened to attend a meeting,we all have been there.When the pain outweighs the pleasure we take that step.We work our steps ,in order, one at a time and by "working them" it means we LEARN to incorporate them into our lives and actions and behaviors.Remember 'nothing changes ,if nothing changes"...You have answered a lot of your own questions and that it is good,the awareness of what can take you to making the next decision.....There is nothing under the sun that hasn't been done or heard about in the rooms.We all have suffered fear,shame,guilt,embarrassment,dishonesty,frustration,devastation and on and on..Through our step process ,worked with asponsor(I tried self -sponsorship for many years,didnt work) and done honestly,we learn to free ourselves of the wreakage of our pasts and come to know the real"us"..Its a process that continues ,one day at a time...Continue to ask the God of your understanding for the strength to "show up"and when you do listen carefully ,identify with the disease of addiction(a physical,spiritual and mental illness that mainifests itself in all areas of our lives)and do not compare,though you may think "well Im not that bad" its the disease talking,we all end up in the same place in active addiction,some are just sicker than others and get there quicker ,it doesn't always come in order <jails ,institutions and death,many leave before there time and end up on the back side of this statement first!!!.Im glad you are letting some stuff out here,that is a blessing,multiply this encounter by so manyfold more and find the joy and freedom from face -to -face in the fellowship at meetings. When I first showed up I didn't make a peep for weeks,maybe going into months,but I really listened,something I was never good at... You will most likely sit next to someone just like you.We all share the same illness..We are also grateful to you for showing up here,sharing from your heart and seeking the "solution"I truly feel you know the answer and in time more will be revealed.Keep coming back,better yet stick around,WE NEED YOU!!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Online recovery is great but has limitations. Don't be afrain of going to in-person meetings. You will find much experience, strength, hope, acceptance, and understanding there.
Honesty, Openmindedness, Willingness; the HOW of the program. Sounds like you're getting there.
We have a disease, the disease of addiction. There is no shame in having a disease. I did many things I was ashamed of using and felt like I didn't deserve to recover. I was scum, the lowest of the low. I was afraid of what people would think of me at meetings. That was part of my self centered thinking! When the pain became bad enough I sucked it up and went anyway. You can't save your face and your ass at the same time!
We accept every addict seeking recovery just as they are. You will find there is nothing you have done that hasn't been done by one of us before. We were sick people, not bad people. People loved me and told me to Keep Coming Back in spite of what I had done. People in the rooms of NA loved me until I could love myself.
As addicts we seem to want an easier softer way. Drugs were our shortcut to feeling or not feeling. Until they didn't work anymore. I hope you make it and stay Clean and find a better way of life. I fear you will not until you fully surrender and get to meetings.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
i know were your coming from im also embarassed ive been to lots of meetings and i still hate to tell strangers how i feel and im also confused about the steps.my way of staying clean is to be around clean people and think about my kids.hang in there you can do it.
