I have to be honest. I know I am safe here and there is no reason to bullshit. I relapsed a few days ago on Vicodin. A script in my hand is not a good thing....it's like money to burn....gotta spend it all at once. My husband had possession of the pills and was giving them to me "as needed"....well.....I needed them lots....typical addict behavior here "but I'm in sooo much pain". Well, I knew I had a refill left. I've been feeling a loss of faith, futility and depression. The woman (my old best friend) who had an affair with my husband while I was in detox and rehab, made contact with my husband and I found out SO I went with it.....and this became MY EXCUSE. I later found out why she called and it had nothing to do with the two of them. She wanted my cell number.
I'm bipolar and my depression started winning....what started as a good week and a good few days spiralled down. I felt like my sadness was more powerful than faith. I started to ponder thoughts of suicide...I have a history of that. I looked at the ceiling fan and was wondering if it would support the weight of me....I planned on buying rope yesterday. Being bipolar and an addict is a tough road to travel. I have good days and bad days.
I started feeling sorry for myself and my losses over the past 2 years. Health problems, bankruptcy, I lost my house to foreclosure, I lost a 19 year career, a friend died of an overdose, my husband had an affair, and my addiction became worse until I finally went into detox and rehab....oh, my husband is being laid off from his job which means we are fucked financially even more than before....our car payments are late, we can't pay bills, etc. It's been a very long road. The bad shit just keeps-a-comin'. I'm weary and tired of it. I'VE LOST EVERYTHING. I was once happy, secure and successful. Now I'm nothing but a fucking loser.
This program, at least for me, is tough. I do "complicated" very, very well; however, "simple" for me is difficult. I tend to jump into things with 100% enthusiasm ....only to lose my enthusiasm when I become bored or see no results. It's insanity.
I called my sponsor and left her a voicemail. I gotta come clean. I was so proud of myself before and now I feel shame and guilt. How do I keep the momentum of the program going when I'm having bad days?? It's so easy for me to just say "fuck it, why bother?" I have a history of doing things very, very well....shining brightly.....only to lose my momentum and enthusiasm and my star dims and flickers out. I don't know how to do this. How do I survive the bad days? I've prayed and prayed and prayed.....unselfish prayer. I never ask God for material shit, I ask for wisdom, guidance, acceptance and I pray on behalf of others.
Addiction is sooooooooooooo POWERFUL. Relapsing so many times makes me realize more and more what a fine line I walk between life and death and I guess today I "respect" my addiction...does that make any sense? I respect its power over me but I sure as hell didn't respect it as I swallowed those pills. Vicodin was not even my drug of choice because it really didn't get me high sooooooo I had to take a shitload to feel anything. I want to feel 'comfortably numb' the way heroin and opiates made me feel and I wasn't getting that from God and the program. I even started to question the first step:....."am I really powerless?"....my mind started to fuck with me. I know my life has become unmanageable and I think this time the POWERLESS OF IT HAS REALLY SUNK IN AND PENETRATED MY THICK HEAD!
The people I've met in the program love me, I know this. I feel the energy in the meetings. I feel God all around me. But I can't seem to stick with anything. These days I give up too easily. HOW DID YOU GUYS STICK TO THE PROGRAM IN EARLY RECOVERY......REALLY STICK TO IT.....so that you are able to STAY CLEAN? I'm fucking clueless today.
Well, for what it's worth, you are neither unique nor the one with the hardest row to hoe. And just to depress you further, the truth is there is no guarantee you won't go through periods of feeling/thinking/acting this way even years-decades-into sobriety/clean-time/recovery (whatever the heck ya wanna call it when we stop using and start developing as the humble spiritual people we are progressing toward being.) That's why taking it a day at a time, or even an hour at a time, or ten minutes at a time is so essential--literally life-saving.
What I did in early recovery is no different than what I do today. I take the 12 steps as a suggested program of recovery. I take them exactly as written, meaning I make every human effort to not change anything about those steps, just to suit my dysfunctional self. When I am in the grip of my mental impairment(s) I double-up on all my "WRAP" (wellness action, recovery plan) tools and support people and alert my health practicioners that I am having a rough time.
Bottom line, as long as I don't pull the trigger--whatever form that may take--I know it will pass. It always passes. No matter how bad it seems at the moment--even when the "moment" is going on 20 days or 8 months, as long as I don't undermine myself with sex, drugs & rock & roll (i.e. avoiding putting anything in my body/brain that will set me off and avoiding the triggers associated w/people/places/things). It takes discipline (to take the "medicine" prescribed to keep addictive disease in remission), not will power (to try to control the uncontrollable).
Willingness is the key.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
I believe only other addicts truly understand our plight,while others really have no idea.Many times I realized there are those who did not want me to succeed in sobriety or life in general.Some of them were enablers as well.When I went to my 1st meeting(awkward as I felt)I knew I was in a room where I could be completely honest with my peers and not be judged for the mistakes I had made.Or categorized as the person whom should'nt have in your home or watched at all times because of my addiction.But I had earned that outside of that group.To get better I must believe them.THEY KNOW.I watched as those who did'nt follow the program failed and new I am just like them and must follow these steps.I too thought it can't be that simple,it can't be that easy.Simple yes.Easy for me no.I changed people,places and things.Moved 4oo miles away from anyone I new.Started over fresh at 50.For almost 4 years now clean and sober.To this day it is still a battle for me though.Prayer has kept me alive and sober no doubt in my mind.Getting to no myself and my triggers(trust,arguments,static etc..)true friends like I have now here and a meeting house several miles from my home and this program with prayer have aided me in a successful life so far.I promise to pray to remove your compulsion to use and to end the obsession with drugs.I pray that for myself too.You no there are good people here for you with way more experience than me.Both the Mikes and the Big V have been most helpful to me and im sure you can contact them on they're white boards.And me if I can be any help.You are going to be ok.Take care
Relapse is a part of many stories. It is part of mine. Suggestion......pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up the drug. I know, it's another one of those 'simple but not easy' things, but reaching out and calling someone can be a life saver. Turn off the ass kicking machine. It's just another form of self obsession. This road can be long and hard for some. The important thing is to keep coming back. Always remember that no matter how dark things seem there is always light, there is always hope, just keep showing up and praying for recovery. It will come.
Damn it, Keep Coming Back and You Don't Have To Leave.
Part of what made me not pick up no matter what was because it took me a couple years to make it back to NA after my replapse. For me, I didn't think I'd be able suck it up and become humble enough ever again and that scared me big time. I had no choice but not to use once the obsession was finally lifted. I wanted what I saw in other people working the program more than I wanted to live the rest of my life loaded in constant tormoil and misery, so I didn't use no matter what. No matter what. Staying Clean is simple, don't use NO MATTER WHAT.
After I relapsed for those couple years it took me going to meetings everyday for three weeks loaded before the magic happened and the obession to use was lifted. Like I said, don't know if I'd have the humility and guts to come back again. So basically I was more afraid of not making it back than what ever the hell life was throwing at me. And gradually that fear of not making it back became faith, faith in a better life, faith that I actually wasn't a piece of scum and really did deserve this better way of like. And let me tell you, I felt like total scum for many many months even years Clean after I returned. I had no right to a better way of life, I didn't deserve to recover. But I faked it 'til I made it. And I didn't use NO MATTER WHAT. No fuckin' matter what pardon my French.
You gotta want this thing called recovery like it's your last breath. At least that's the way it was and is for me.
I'm glad you made it back, this time. Will you make it back again if you go back out again? I don't know and pray the question doesn't need answering.
Stick around, dive head first into every aspect of NA, meetings like they were your next meal, service work like your life depended on it, reading NA literature daily like it's the air you breath. If you want it bad enough, if you want it bad enough, it can work for you too. How much more do you want a better way of life instead of escaping in the temporary illusion of drugs?
Damn right addiction is powerful. Guess what, NA is more powerful if you work it constantly, vigilantly, humbly, honestly, sincerely to the best of your ability.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Oh, and as one Junky to another, next time if there is a next time you decide to relapse quit fuckin' around with garbage drugs, go get what you want, go get some damn good smack and get your head on your chest. But you don't have to, you have a choice, you don't have to use if you don't want to ever again. That's precisely what my Higher Power revealed to me at that Sunday Night meeting after those three weeks of going to meetings loaded. I believed it, and one day a time it's a promise that's held true for 30 years.
You are back here now, you are no longer a loser. Go back out and hell ya you're a loser while using.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I relapsed four times (major) and many times minor before NA. Here I took all I got, cause I didnt know what else Id do.
Thank God Ive stayed clean ever since...
Thanks for your honest shares,,,, Im reminded that no addict that works the NA 12 Step Tradition Program of recovery from drug addiction ever relapses.
Im a drug addict and have not relapsed on drus ever sionce but have had to deal with ife on lifes terms. This has caused many emotional upheavels and breakdowns, but the thing is Im able to et over all that clean,, and a bit serene too.
Thats why the NA Promise says " An addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live"...
Im greatful for NA and also for MIP.... Here I found God. God is the Force that keeps me clean and serene, just for today, otherwise known as Group Of Druggies !!!!
-- Edited by Raman on Sunday 16th of January 2011 02:48:04 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
It is good that you shared this. Many people relapse in NA, especially early on. After I relapsed early in NA, I realized that I truly am an addict, and I made a commitment to work the program, to follow the simple suggestions. There's a saying that you can't be too dumb to recover but you can be too smart. It is simple program. Simple, but not easy. Don't use no matter what. Go to meetings. Get a sponsor. Work the steps. Pray/meditate. Do service work. Fellowship with other clean addicts.
Hey Deb! Right off the bat we have to remember that "HONESTY IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR OUR DISEASED THINKING"Thanks for sharing honestly!!! You are also correct ,WE ARE NOT HERE ABOUT JUDGEMENT but as one addict reaching out to help another..Our writings tell us' IF WE HAVE RELAPSED IT IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THAT WE GET BACK TO MEETINGS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FOR WE MAY ONLY HAVE MONTHS ,DAYS OR HOURS BEFORE WE REACH A THRESHOLD WHERE WE ARE GONE BEYOND RECALL!This is not to depress you more,but a common theme for the program working is "working it".Im sure you realize that.You are not a "loser" you suffer from the disease of addiction on top of other gifts.I remember a newcomer sharing at a meeting while back and saying"its great you guys that have 10-20-30 yeARS CLEAN,BUT i NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID AT 6 MONTHS,1 YEAR ,THREE YEARS ETC. Like Talkin Heads ' said.SAME AS IT EVER WAS!I can only continue to suggest showing up,"working" with your sponsor on the solution ,our steps/traditions/and yes even concepts(service oriented..Thanks for sharing as your clean time is between you and God(your sponsor)The relapse is not the shame,not maing it back is!!Coming to believe restores us to sanity,,incorporate you 1st step,you have admitted your powerlessness and unmanageability now you need to move forward "and fill that void'!!Take your meds as prescribed(read IP'S ON addiction and medication use)pamphlet 'IN TIMES OF ILLNESS' ip#6 IP#17 etc.(cn google WORLD OR na.org.)Keep coming back Deb,pick yourself up and begin life again today!!!Just for today "you don't have to use" peace......
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
i just feel like my entire world is collapsing around me.....i am still unemployed, my husband is getting laid off, we lost our home and are now renting...don't know where rent $ is gonna come from, we are up to our ears in debt (despite filing bankruptcy last Spring)....faith is hard to keep when it's raining shit and your umbrella doesn't work, you know? i have a good day and i thank God, I am truly grateful....but that good day is usually followed by a series of pretty bad ones --- one of my brothers is extremely wealthy....he is very religious but very greedy with money....he stole my inheritance $ and my other brother's inheritance money from our grandmother years ago....i've never really had a relationship with him - good or bad aside from the occasional phone call. i've swallowed my pride and asked for a loan from him ---- i am so terrified of ending up homeless...i've never been in such dire straits....it is so hard to trust that God will carry me through when all around me things are falling apart....i really need a miracle
So sorry Deb but don't beat yourself up...that will only make it worse. move on and keep going to meetings! had a little minor relapse myself (used alcohol instead of pills) this weekend and I am still reeling from it. Dust yourself off and get to a meeting tonight. I really need mine today that's for sure!
