Hi all, here is sad-sack again,, with another woeful moanin............
Hellfire and havoc,, Gods sake, what an addict like me can land in..... a fab woman, great shows, a fantastic holiday place to be in,,,Utopian,, and everythin goes to dogs because of perceptions. My distorted thinking..................
I percieved a threat fom her beer drinkin ways and so I got scared. After 100 days of trying to make it work, arugements, intense pleasures and the works, we were on a 7 days trail, one last attempt to make this stormy, see-saw relationship work. It would have worked out and Id have lasted the 7 days without a hassle. But I percieved many threats, real or otherwise; my restlesness, irritability and discontentments surfaced...... I had many reasons to flee; 1. her drinking to cope made feel very insecure and in danger of relapse 2. our communications were ood till it came tp lanin, this is where the conflicts of interest arose, leadin to the spoilin of an otherwise good day 3. her plans for travels were ok, but I needed to work a bit and I felt like my needs were being suppressed 4. internet and mobile connectivity in that island were zero. This was very risky for me because I was then totally cut off from all my responsibilities like my dauhter, my aged mother and my clients and most importantly my NA friends, includin yall here at MIP. I was informed of the lack of connectivity at the start and was ok till I realized the enormity of that isolation. 5. most importanat of ll, Id come to believe that she cared a damn what I felt or thought and that it was all about her convenience and connivins..
Moreover, I was begining to see that she wanted me to share in her world but was rejecting of mine.
The tensions built up signalling many redflags.... In fact, the previous day had been great. Wed been to this isolated, blue-green sea facing, white sanded, coral beach; chattin, sharing ideas and dreams and being soul-united, drinkin cocunt water and eating kernel, lazing on the hammocks and later me doin the rocks and then Meditating on one of them and she finishing a book. Joy, Bliss and Union....We decided to come back next day.
Next mornin starts on time but tense. Tension goes up when I say I got to phone Ma as I havent called her lately.
Then at breakfast, Ive finished and she looks edgy and then asks "Raman is this going to be a dark day ?" I percieved it like she was accusing me of being the one to spoil good things. But Im not in a bad mood, so I say "Look, its nice and bright, so what do you mean ?" " Is this breakfast the same as yesterdays?" she looks at me and says. "We had breakfast much later yesterday, maybe when we move to the beach, the feelings will get better" I try and reassure her. "But dosent one thing follow another ?" she quizzes me. "No" I said.. Then, fore you know it, its back to aner-square one.
I knew I had to decide,,,,what was the next good thing for my recovery ?
So, in the middle of that conversation/arugement, day no.4 at breakfast, I say to her "Im going back" "Yes" she said. Then she came to confront me in the restraunt "Look you are runnin away" "No, its just that Im not feeling good here" And I said " Im sorry, but I have failed your exams" And it seemed like she was not willing to listen to my feelings. She already had a beer bottle and a pack of cigs to help her cope...
So I did what I had to do, leave... I take a ferry to the main island, heavy in my heart at leaving her but also aware that my being clean and serene is at jeapordy in this relationship in this current equeation. I book into a hotel and say the Serenity Prayer for both of us and sleep a bit.
Next day, Im numb for most of the morning. I take the help of some good local people, get some money sorted, and buy my air ticket back. As I do all this, Im aware of feeling sad that all those things we'd planned, the dreams we had all evaporated.....
It looked like "life on lifes terms". I was also wishing that things could be different,, thinking how I could have behaved differently and been more straightforward in my communications with her. I was also thinking why I wasnt...
A strange thing happens next day at the airport. Im about to enter and there I see her go past me and I call her name she looks. She does her thing at the ticket counter, collection if a previous refund and then comes towards me.
I thought to cancel the flight and join her, and do the things we had planned for the next three days. But I did not,, "Hi" I said and gestured a hug "Its over" she said "I just said Im not feeling good there" I answer "Thats how you twist it" she says and walks away.. "Ok,, have a beautiful life" I wish her..
That could well be the last I see of her; i was not aware of it then, but seems like reality now,, 24 hours later.
Sittin her, Im tryin to retain the good memories and let the rest go,,,, with love and understanding.
"Thy Will be Done"
In know that the NA Program offers me only one thing; an addict like me never has to use again, just for today, no matter what !!!
And all else has to be worked at and out....
Over and out for now folks.. Thanks for reading my sob story,, hope you have insights, meanings and suggestions..
-- Edited by Raman on Saturday 8th of January 2011 05:00:04 AM
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I'm no relationship counselor so most definitely have no insights, meanings or suggestions! Other than your post seems like some good 10th Step work to me. Work, that's one thing I do believe comes into constant play any sucessful relationship. 30 years married 30 years Clean and still learning what it takes for both...
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
This is a defect and shortcoming of mine who's removal will only come from God, to me it's a type of insanity and I am often so embarrassed by it.
It's one of those things you can sit and tear and rip apart, and end up not feeling very good about ones self over.
Also Raman you must remember that we are sensitive people and that sometimes our INTUITION gets the better of us and when someone, something isn't right for us ITS JUST NOT RIGHT, please keep that in mind. Though we will blame ourselves, refuse to accept people places things and situations as not being good for us, that is the reality and that ought to be our perception, but it is not, until a later date my friend.
Gee--hurts to even read it---I guess you know that it could have ended much, much worse. Glad you will have a straight & sober flight back. (Just don't take the stewardess home with you LOL). I envy people who have long-term marriages that work, but truthfully if that kind of relationship is not in the cards for me I'd rather be alone than with someone who is not good for me and my sobriety. Best wishes.
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From dying and surviving to living and thriving. LeeU
Gee--hurts to even read it---I guess you know that it could have ended much, much worse. Glad you will have a straight & sober flight back. (Just don't take the stewardess home with you LOL). I envy people who have long-term marriages that work, but truthfully if that kind of relationship is not in the cards for me I'd rather be alone than with someone who is not good for me and my sobriety. Best wishes.
Amen to that. That work thing in relationships be it marriage or any relationship platonic or romantic, if it isn't both willing to work at it ain't gonna work no matter how hard one side may try. I have to always strive to be willing to see Debi's point of view just as she mine. Sometimes one of us more than the other but over time the scales must remain balanced. Absolutely it's not always easy, sometimes hard and painful, but it's been a hell of a great 30 years. Full of ups and downs to be sure but with the sum total overall way in the plus column. For us both, it's about real commitment which leads to willingness much akin to my surrender to the disease of addiction and commitment to recovery.
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
Raman! when it was written"relationships can be terribly painful areas! One of our biggest stumbling blocks to recovery can be placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves and others..WE FORGET WE ARE POWERLESS OVER OTHER PEOPLE!! We have to keep our recoveries first and our priorities in order.As painful as this is for you (and we have shared about that with each other)you are using the tools of our program to see"like you said the red flags"Remember the disease manifests itself in "all areas " of our lives.The drug is the early symptom,but somewhere along the line the gambling,lusting,self-centeredness,bitterness ,anger,retaliation and general insanityand so on and on,always waits lurking(check out dictionary on "insidious")Stay God centered my friend,continue reaching for the spiritual principles in all your affairs,pray for knowledge of His will for you and and God's power to carry it out!In support and here to listen and know that "like it is said"what God shows us in the light ,should not be forgotten in the dark'!!!Peace my friend!!
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Yea Mike,,I think my insanity stems for not accepting people and situations... Its this crazy urge like wanting to go back in time and change things.. say and do the right things.
It would not be so bad if i didnt miss her.........
In fact I had this experience wile driving this morning. I attended another areas convention and was relieved to be in a safe harbour, among fellow NAs. Then, after a nights sleep, driving down to this Meditation place, I had a thought "When we met by chance at the airport, I could have offered to complete the 7 days with her instead of foolishly asking for a last hug".
Yes, I could have done that. Yes, I could have been more straight in my communications and said to her "Look Sylvie, I dont want o spoil your been session but each time we fight for no apparent reason, it looks like its before or after your drinking. Can we talk about it dear ?"
I remember that on that morning, inspite of great intentions, my mood changed to dark. Il have to deal with this in context of forgiveness,,,,,in fact self-forgiveness....
Im choicelessly aware of that now.
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
Thanks Lee,, got the message. Yes, Ive matured a bit in these years and am not tempted to jump into another relationship or one nite stand, just cause this one isnt working out !
But all that said and done, Im getting a real, magnified, focussed look at the differences in Gods will and will of dis-ease !
The dis-ease speaks in edgy, nervous and paranoid tones while the exact opposite is True of God's Voice,, Calm, Serene and Honest ! and most of,, when im God centered, Im open-minded to other courses of action and manners of speech....
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Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I couldn't of said it better MikeF. Powerless over others...... You know recovery comes first my friend and part of that for me is keeping myself safe. Being involved with someone that drinks and is only focused on self would be setting off alarm bells for me. I think you have made the right decision even though it's been a painful desision. Sending all my love and prayers your way......
