It's getting a little easier.....finally. I've been doing lots of recovery reading and find myself highlighting just about every paragraph because it seems as if every single one of them was written for me.
Control issues? YES....have always had them. I rebel. I hate authority. I will listen to advice but ultimately I do things my way!! Isolating? YES....I always isolated because that way people couldn't see me letting my guard down. They would know I was not bulletproof. Anger? Hell yeah!...and LOTS of it. My sarcastic tongue got me into lots of trouble. Hospitals and institutions? YEP, that too.
So.....I lost a 19 year career in law, I lost my health, I went bankrupt, I lost my house, I attempted suicide a few times and I could go on and on. Now I can't make this month's rent and my husband's car is about to be repossessed. I no longer have all of those nice vacations, cash bonuses and material possessions to which I was accustomed. I traded that in because I have decided I want to live. For more than 2 years God has called (screamed) me relentlessly but I never really listened. I always did things on my terms....my way or no way at all.
As I work on the first step it is all finally starting to make sense and I have accepted the fact that I have to leave my ego at the door (or rather slam the door on it!) and SURRENDER, be rigorously HONEST - something that I am now finding to be easier than lying (life is not so complicated when I'm honest). ACCEPTANCE was something I thought would be incredibly easy....I mean I accept that I have a problem....what I did not accept until now is that I ALONE DO NOT HAVE THE POWER TO FIX IT ON MY TERMS BY MYSELF.
These days the smallest of decisions are hard to make. "Normal" is so foreign to me. Getting up early.....eating when I am hungry.....cooking dinner....early to bed. WHAT? I used to find that sooooo boring. I wanted thrills, excitement, danger because I viewed myself as "different" from others in a narcissistic kind of way. I thought I could do it all. The career, the PTA, the nice house, blah, blah.
I've always been a sort of renegade....an adrenaline junkie, an extremist in everything I do. A competitor in everything....always trying to be better. How come now, at 45 years old, I am FINALLY learning more about myself in less than 4 months than I have in a lifetime????
Those little decisions bother me. My head is cluttered. I find myself walking in circles deciding what to do....should I go volunteer today, hit meetings all day, send out more resumes, clean my house, etc. I know that a lot of the indecisiveness comes from my depression (I'm Bipolar) and I recognize it. THESE ARE SIMPLE THINGS TO DO. I find myself fighting the urge to take something to sleep and just say "fuck it" and crawl back into bed - only to find myself an hour or 2 later feeling guilty and worthless and feeling the weight of my responsbilities that are not being taken care of.
"I do complicated very, very well". "Simple" is so much harder for me, if that makes any sense. So I've been MAKING MYSELF do things that I don't want to do but need to do and believe me, I really push because my old behavior is sooooo ingrained and it won't budge without a lot of pushing.
I've been asking God to 'still my mind' and help me live just for today and to trust and have faith that whatever God has in mind for me will be the right thing. This morning, I even asked God to tell me what to do with my day.
ME....complicating a simple program because simple is complicated for me....does that make any sense. Prayer, Meetings, Sponsor, 12 & 12......consistently I must follow this. Which brings me to CONSISTENCY!!! Me consistent? Nope. I haven't been consistent in at least 10 years. I constantly cancel appointments, become too lazy to reschedule, make promises I never keep, on and on.
Today I am thanking God for opening my mind up enough to put this post into my head and out onto the keyboard.....thanks for letting me share.
deb
No more gauntlet running or gate crashing to somehow "prove" to myself and others that I can weather any storm BY MYSELF. I can't. I know that now. Damn. It is humbling.
Oh yeah,at 63 ,each day ,through God's grace and mercy and continued work in the "solution" so much more is revealed for me......Way to go, its a process ,day at a time.Thanks for lettin us know you a little better.We are here for each other
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Loved your post. Great to hear you're living in the solution today.
Isn't it funny how for so long we addicts thought we were so unique, so different. Only to find after coming to NA it's like everyone reads our mail, these addicts think just like me!
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
I loved it too!! You covered so very many things that we ALL struggle with every day. It is a process...as they have said and some of us, like me, have to keep reprocessing it or lose it.
Ive a slighltly different personality as that i FEAR the world, because I have been more than just a little isolated ofr so very long. Even when Im doing well, I have to force myself to go to the "LIVE" meeting lol and to do anything to do with the real world. Have always felt as if I didnt belong in a certain class of people (mid to middle -upper in no way!) so I surrounded my sekf with people that made me comfortable...lower classes and addicts. ( do NOT confuse those 2 as one and the same!)
SO, I became abstinent in 07. relapsed a couple times, just enough to throw all my self worth out the window but BY THE GRACE OF GOD- not enough to lose sight of this program! I am truly appreciative of that and for this site, and for all the people in NA!! I have a great sponsor-but now we live in dif states and that has become a problem, but not one that cant be worked out.
It DOES get easier as long as u keep continuing to work the program...the program that works for you! Pretty soon ,all the things you once considered yourself as (as described above) you will have a hard time finding in yourself...and it becomes a distant memory. To ME , thats when I needed to do more step 12 work, more of the helping others....to remind me! and to make a dfference in the world.
I too have a whole bunch of my books marked up and highlighted because these books are written for us by us and who knows us any better!:) keep posting!!! sincerely, your new friend , Carol
I too thought it can't be that simple(recovery)following these steps.Although I found some ponderous.I think on some level addicts are perfectionists and dealing with people,routine,and simple very difficult.With that said I have found prayer to be my ally.thanks for this post
Great Post. Lot's of pain and honesty there. I too had a professional career that I lost in such a huge way that there was no going back to it. It was in the mid 1990's. I went bankrupt, lost the house, family, all the "stuff". the most painful loss was losing the respect of my children. but that was then and this is now. I am re-married, re-established myself in a new career, got back 'stuff' and most importantly have regained much of the relationship I lost with my children and other family members. I wish I could say "all is healed" but wounds leave scars and so it is never the same again, but it is warm and loving and for that I am grateful. This out of control ride your on can end. By staying clean, and working the steps you will recover and your life will improve. Thanks for posting and please keep coming back.
