It's been 18 days since my relapse - 18 days that have felt full and meaningful.
My first NA meeting began with reading from the literature - I can't be bothered to move right now, so I'll give you the gist of it... Basically addiction can lead to two big things - jail time, and death... I know there's a third, but I really, my brain is done today... Anyways, I walked out of the meeting and said, "Damn... I am one of the lucky ones... No one that I know personally has died as a direct result of drug use..."
Today, that changed... My 26 year old cousin was found unconscious on the floor of his girlfriend's house last night, heroin in his pocket and a needle nearby. While I don't have the official report, given his history, it's safe for me to say that drugs were involved, and likely the cause of his death. We grew up together, like brother and sister... fighting, playing, and eventually using together... our using took us in different, but equally destructive directions... So, why is it him that is gone, and not me? My relapse wasn't a quickie... it doesn't matter that our drugs of choice were different... it could have been me. It wasn't me, and while I thank god for that... I am angry.
This God, the god of my understanding, the god that I am asked to turn my life and will over to... He took my cousin away...
And in the same breath, I say this: we all have choices in life... from the simple "cream or sugar" to the complex "use drugs or not"... My cousin chose to use. The dealer chose to sell. I have to remember this if I'm going to stay sober through this... Shit happens, LIFE happens... God doesn't choose bad things for us, we choose them ourselves...
So while I sort out my feelings and come to terms with the loss of my cousin... I'll ask you all to pray for me... pray hard... I've asked my god for serenity, courage, and wisdom... and I am in a situation that requires all three...
That sad truth is that many people die from the disease all the time. It seem this is what happened with your cousin. Hopefully, you can learn from his death how serious addiction is and you will use this knowledge to make good choices. That's what I'll pray for.
You are in my heart and prayers, as are all addicts. Loss of loved ones whether as a result of addiction or other causes is painful. I can't run from the pain though I may want to. Using may temporarily hide the pain but it will only be waiting there for later ten fold compounded by remorse and guilt from using.
Few years ago lost my youngest brother and then mother to cancer in the same year. They were both good God loving people living spiritual principles in their lives not just religious dogmas. For decades my mother had opened her home to stray suffering souls helping them get back on their feet, my brother was a missionary. They walked the talk of God's love in their lives. Why them and not me, I was the low life dope fiend! I came to believe the God of my understanding had taken them home on their eternal journey to be with Him. I live to share the message of recovery from addiction with other suffering addicts.
We can't run from pain and sorrow. Go the meetings, lots of meetings and share your pain. Rail at God if you need, He can handle it! Shout out your pain and sorrow at him in private and at meetings, he can handle it! My Higher Power still loves me even if I'm mad at him. Pain shared is pain lessened.
18 days Clean can be a precarious place. We are like young children trying to learn how to live Clean and need constant guidance and understanding. Please don't isolate from other recoverying addicts. So glad you posted here. But it can't fully replace the power of two or more addicts in person sharing their experience, strength and hope. Meetings are the core, the heartbeat of NA. Nothing can replace the magic of NA meetings. Miracles happen in NA meetings, recovery one day at a time from active addiction happens.
Keep Coming Back, we love you!
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Work the Steps or Die MF. (My Friend :) Clean One Day At a Time by The Grace of God through The Power of NA
(((hugs)))...i am so sorry to hear about your cousin. i had a close friend die of an overdose on july 3rd. but instead of really learning a lesson from his death, i increased my useage because i didn't have the tools to just deal with it. now that i'm in NA, i know that there are ways to deal with tragedy that are far more healthy and soul-enriching.....during this time, call more people, go to more meetings and pray more....i will certainly keep you in my prayers....staying clean and sober through any tragedy is difficult, believe me, i know....i don't have much clean time myself but i'm dealing with some heavy stuff right now and staying clean.....again, i am so sorry for your loss and yes, i will absolutely pray for you...
As a believer in a power greater then me and my addiction I also believe in a here after, heaven if you will.
As a believer, I believe there are spirits of darkness that can take our minds and bodies.
I don't get mad at God about anything anymore and thats because even when someone dies from this disease and addiction i believe that persons soul is taken to heaven, even if that darkness took them , the bible may not say that but theres good within us all and that part God owns because that is where God dwells within every single one of us, he takes back what is his.
And what that darkness takes is the flesh.
Its such a pity that so many lose that flesh to the dark most of us have came so close and this is the blessing for us who remain clean .
Me as an addict look to blame everything that goes wrong on others, or situations beyond my control, its almost and auto response but I have found the more responsibilty I take and the more i depend on God to help me through things the better off I am and the better the results are and I implore others to try doing the same.
Thank you all for your prayers... it's been a rough week, but I'm still clean, and slowly coming to peace with my cousin's death... he was part of a mission recovery house (just graduated too) and it was beautiful, albeit hard, to see how he's touched so many addicts through that program... everyone said some beautiful things about him...
And, the show must go on... so I trudge through the sadness, and try to make a difference...
I am grateful that my higher power pulled me through this, and that I had this board to post on... and even more grateful for the meetings I've been to this past week - the amount of understanding and love from people that have lost loved ones in this fashion was incredible... I am so thankful for NA and AA...
