284 days, gone... all because I rationalized using a drug to ease the cravings - because that's what it's meant to do when taken properly. And my friends agreed with me... all of them...
I can't blame them though... I mean, how would they understand that my thoughts weren't pure in regards to taking it?
The only person bold enough to call me out on my bullsh|t rationale lives a few thousand miles away in another state... I wish I had someone in my life that lived near by to do that...
I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night. I'm terrified of them. I've done it before, 9 months ago.. but for some reason, I think it's the fact that I'm admitting my addiction to other people, and this time, admitting that I faltered... :(
Glad you're getting honest with yourself and getting back to a meeting. Addiction is a powerful disease that can give us all sorts of rationalizations (bad reasons) to use drugs again. That's why I need to keep in close contact with other addicts who know me (such as my sponsor) and let them know what's on my mind. They can help keep me honest. It doesn't sound like your friends were very helpful to you. If I hang around with people who do drugs, I will too, eventually.
How do you guys deal with going to a meeting full of strangers and sharing your darkest secrets? I don't know why it scares me so much... But I am terrified.
Being honest with myself hurts... My friends though, they aren't addicts. They see my relapse as going for a lesser of two evils - like I was going to screw up either way. I think that kind of bugs me. But, I see where they're coming from. They just don't understand... that I had a choice to use or not use... I chose the wrong one...
I still feel physically ill, too... But, in a way, I'm glad... If I felt okay and ready to do it again, I think that would be worse...
Hi Reesa,, this is in context of your other concer, one of sharin darkest secrets.
As Ive undestood, and experienced, dark secrets are best shared in private with a trusted one. Goin to a room fulla addicts, even thouh they be NA members, and pourin out those dark secrets has landed me in trouble many times.
Even after all these years, I still at times make my sufferin public. Then I am quickly reminded that Im actually breakin someone else's anonymity. I have no right to lessen my burdens at the expense of another.
The wisdom to know the diffrerence comes from experience that in private and personal matters, I need to share one on one. However in terms of things affecting a group or NA as a whole, I need to share that openly at group conscience meetings....
That said, I used to think that by practice id get perfect and never make mistakes. However, Ive discovered that perfect practice is what counts and that thouh the Principles of NA are indeed perfect, I will never ever be so.....
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
I don't share my darkest secrets in the meetings--that's what a sponsor is for. I suggest you get one soon, if you don't have already, and that you use your sponsor. Even if you're friends aren't addicts, they probably don't understand the disease of addiction. I suggest you make some new friends who are in recovery who can support you in what you're doing and help you stay honest.
Hey Ressie. Lighten up on yourself. We all went through the anxiety of going to meetings and picking up that white key tag. You said something about sharing your darkest secrets to strangers.....may I suggest that you do not share to the extent that you feel overly exposed or vulnerable. Simply admitting you are an addict and picking up the white keytag is all you need do. Then over time as you develop a trusting relationship with a sponsor and support group you will feel more comfortable sharing personal issues. NA members love newcomers. We love to embrace, and encourage you all. So fear not. Everyone in that room will have gone through what you are about to do. Join us. In the rooms and on this forum. We are here for you and believe it or not. We need you to keep it green and help us stay clean.
I cant tell you how many times I felt what your feeling, over and over again. My last relapse was 4 years ago and I had a 5 year period of not using before that relapse.
Honesty about where one is at and how the disease is working in your life is so important, you got some valuable information about all of that now from this relapse so take it as educational so to speak.
This is about spirituality, something is wrong inside most of us spiritually we let things eat at us. If your craving, obsessing over the drug theres definetly something inside unsettling, causing discomfort and you need to write on that, share it with others especially in a meeting and with a sponsor who knows where your coming from.
Dont be hard on yourself this is all a process and you will grow especially when you finally STOP using and stay clean and work through it.
Prayer works wonders, just a suggestion.
-- Edited by BigV on Saturday 11th of December 2010 08:07:46 PM
i was clean for 5 months & thought the fight was over. i went to my rehab groups & emptied my heart out ,.. went to my one on one social worker/psych and still ...picked up twice and smoked for 2 days straight. now... im going back to rehab group meetings with my tail between my legs. im discusted with myself. PLEASE RESPOND. IM SCARED!
Well, Ive felt very weird after sharin with people that dont care....theres always them that dont care or them that cannot identify where Im comin from.. both are not good for my recovery...
Nowadays, when Im honest with myself about my own feelins,, Im able to know the difference !!!
__________________
Raman an addict clean and serene just for today in NA Worldwide ; live to love and love to live the NA Way !!!
i was clean for 5 months & thought the fight was over. i went to my rehab groups & emptied my heart out ,.. went to my one on one social worker/psych and still ...picked up twice and smoked for 2 days straight. now... im going back to rehab group meetings with my tail between my legs. im discusted with myself. PLEASE RESPOND. IM SCARED!
To say the least, I understand what you're going through... I can't speak for your groups, but I can say that when I finally got the guts to go to that meeting Saturday night --after having even more guts to call a complete stranger (who's a friend of my cousin's, both in AA/NA)-- I felt a rush of relief just being in the same room with people who understand what it's like to relapse, to feel the burning urges, to feel defeated. And when I shared what happened, I felt even more relief. But they didn't coddle me. They didn't say, "oh you poor thing, I'm sorry." They said, "okay, you know you slipped. Come back to the program, work with us, and let us help you get stronger." It's an amazing feeling... I ended up asking my cousin's friend to be my sponsor (for real this time, cuz my last "sponsor" assumed I knew the program and didn't help much at all - especially since I was able to lie to her)... but this woman listened to me spill my guts last night for 3 hours, and not only did she share her story, she taught me about the program... It's what I really needed. And I feel full of hope. I see her outlook on life, despite the difficult personal things she's going through right now, I see her spirituality... And I want that. I want to have that peace and serenity inside me, no matter what the world throws at me. I asked her to help me. So, please... if you don't have a sponsor, ask for one... meet people at the meetings and find someone you click with, relate to, or who is at a point in their life and recovery that you want to find in yourself (that's what she told me).
I've got a lot of work ahead of me... and I'm nervous about working through the steps... but with my sponsor, my higher power, and my group support, I know I can do this... thank you all for being on this forum.. .this is a great thing to have when I can't make it to a meeting.
