I am at a terrible place, and I am afraid that by even saying this out loud, I am goign to have to do something about it. I started smoking pot again about 2 years ago. I havent had a sober day since. I managed to get off all sorts of meds for bi polar they had me on..I have been so happy ever since. So many spiritual moments...because my mind is still - quiet.! But now...it clings to me, and i don't know how to function without it. Wow...it is horrible just writing that line.
I don't want to quit...but I can;t continue anymore. I have come to a place where TRUTH is more important to me than anything else, and doing all of the spiritual work I have been doing, seems INAUTHENTIC if I'm always stoned. It's NOT GOOD ENOUGH anymore. It gets worse. I am a singer, and for many years (very sober...10 years) I sang...without any alcohol and pot. But now, although I can well do without alcohol, but not without pot...and I am afraid I won't be...good. I know...that;s my ego. I am really good...this is mental.
here;s the WORSE THING..i have 10 years of solid upstanding AA in me. And no...I am not an alcoholic. I don't like to drink, not even a full beer. blech. But, I loved the spiritual principles of AA,..it brought me some amazing miracles. But it felt like a lie...because I WAS NOT an alcoholic. Honestly, there were so many alcohlics in my family, I figured I was just a casualty waiting to happen, so I threw in the towel before it hit the floor. I have a MILLION signs in my life telling me that it is time to STOP ( I am SO pig headed!!), and God is SO PAINFULLY o.b.v.i.o.u.s. with me, it's almost embarassing! I am a writer...and have had such an extraorodinary experience of God...i can;t even begin to explain it. But, slowly, as this experienced sort of "took root" in me (only way I can explain it) it has brought me back to myself...and now I need to be REAL.
I know the only ANSWER to this is a program. But...I feel like I KNOW NOTHING, and I'm zfrsifd that everything I have built on the back of false belief that POT gave me abilities, creative ones especially, that i could not have WITH GOD. Seriously...sheesh. I heard people speak of their addictions...and how their lives were before and after. I have heard it a thousand times...but, I never UNDERSTOOD.
I understand now. I think I needed to. It was just part of who I have to be to become who I am supposed to become. That makes some sense I hope (I am french Canadian).
Here was my strange turning point... I spoke to my ex husband tonight. By using the principles of the program over many years, especially the traditions, he and I have managed to maintain and even develop a really nice relationship. He told me, after I told him that i had just smoked a big joint, that he had stopped about a month ago, and told me how good it felt. He didnt feel droopie and sluggish...you know. Blah. He didnt say it in a way that made me feel like he was saying anything about my own consumption...it was a very "live and let live" statement. But it touched me...because I envied it, and it made me feel weak. I hate to feel weak. Who the hell likes it? Even worse...I feel like a LIAR...and I am NOT a liar.
I ahve done so so so very much to be turthful and honest in my life this year (forst and foremost with MYSELF..my toughest critic) and...this is just the last part (m y addiction) to let go of...i just know it. But...I can't do this alone. No frikking way.
I have been studying the book "Enter The Castle" by Caroline Myss. I do not suggest this book to anyone who is new to their spirituality in a 12 step program as it is a 4th step on STEROIDS. I didn't know that going into it, but once started, if it is meant to be, that book sort of pulls you into the need to GET REAL. And so...here I am.
I don't know what else to say...and I have no clue how to start again. I think this is a good start. It feels better to at least say it out loud. Now...action. blah.
I live in the country and NA meetings are few and very far between, so i will be relying on online as well as face to face open AA if I can get to them.
Oh brother...i know very well that if i CREATE this intention...it will happen. I just have to learn to LET GO. Yeesh. Prayers please. xo
Hi Lilly! Welcome....sounds like you got some things going on and need some help..Let me see ,you have spiritual principles but your not an alcoholic!YOU DON'T WANT TO QUIT,BUT YOU CAN'T CONTINUE! 1st step.We admitted we were powerless over our addiction(not just alcohol)a physical,mental and spiritual illness that manifests itself in all areas of our lives,,,sounds like that may fit better? ,only you can determine that.Also our only requirement for membership is " the desire to stop using"you seem to have a dilemma here and it is also a decision only you can make.Is the pain outweighing the pleasure? 10 years of A.A. in you...alcohol is a drug,but you say you never got into the "solution" the real spiritual principles of the steps,worked with a sponsor and put into action in your life..Did you get a sponsor?So far ,seems like there is an admission of surrender you will have to make and you already have a base in a 'POWER GREATER THAN YOU"(coming to believe is what restores us to sanity)so that can help you move forward(2nd step says it is "necessary to achieve ongoing recovery)before and after you mention( step 11- Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps)working the steps will bring you to understand as that spiritual awakening continues.My own suggestion would be "pick up a copy of our Basic Text online or better yet at a meeting(you said "few" so make one of the "few" face to face.We do make decisions but they have to be followed by action...Yes and we are glad you showed up here.Our suggestions are always make a meeting,get a sponsor,do the work with a sponsor,and give back...The steps must be worked in order that they come as you are aware as an A.A. for 10 years.I can only suggest you show up,make an admission to surrender,like you say be honest,it is the antidote to our diseased thinking and keep coming back let us know how its going.I know this is a long diatribe,but I truly care and I know for this addict there is a "solution" Stick around,others will be on to share their suggestions,experience,strength and hope!!..peace
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Our purpose is to remain clean,just for today,and to carry the message of recovery.
Mike, thank you for taking the time to share all of that. yes you;re right. It;s new...this thought of quitting. Like two hours old..i need to let it sink in. because this is well..we know how well I handle change hehe. Probably as well as everyone else before recovery.
yes, you're right about face to face meetings. Sponsors... I have had the best...but I wasnt an alcoholic. Let me explain this to you this way...I can't KNOW how I want the furniture in a room arranged until i actually mhysically MOVE the furniture...i make my husband crazy. So, I may have had TEN (woopie) years of AA, but, I didnt get to apply any of those 'teachings" to my real life. It was all theoretical. I am a crappy theoretical learner. I am a very GOOD applied learne. Now...time for application lol... So...I know NOTHING. And...too much. So, I have to be careful.
WIll stay wquiet with this for now and see what it turns into. Uusally if I shut up...:) I can see pretty clearly the next place.
Thanks again. peace Jo (PS; my name is josee...Lilly is one of my horses)
I smoked pot for quite some time too. I took over and wrecked my life. Though it is not as destructive as some other drugs or alcohol, it can be very damaging nonetheless. I had to get honest with myself about my pot use: how much was I using? How often? Could I stop? could I stay stopped? What was pot doing to my mind, emotions, relationships, motivation, and physical health? I think AA meeting are great--and I go to AA--but I have found that I really need to go to NA meetings, because NA deals with addiction to all drugs and AA only focuses on alcohol. I know people in AA who practice the "marijuana maintenance program": they don't drink but they still smoke pot all the time. So, they're sober but not clean. I know that wouldn't work for me!
Yes...pot is insidious, and I am having an problem trying to decide if it is harming or helping. I ahve always been afraid of INSANITY...this si my big fear. And part of me beieves that pot keeps me SANE...because on it, I am off all those horrible pharamaceuticals, I dont suffer from depression anymore (my deprerssions were over th etop BAD), and I am never manic.
It makes me creative, and mostly, it makes me sit still.
OK benefits.
But, I came to see yesterday that somewhere along the path, I have crossed a line (after 2 years of daily use) where i am not sure if i can DO the things I DO off of pot. I give it the credit, somewhere in my head.
I write books and song...pot helps me focus, center...but I dont want to rely on a SUBSTANCE for my creativity. That is MENTAL. And, I have a very strong faith, i THINK...but if my faith is REALLY strong, wouldnt it make sense that I could believe that "God can do for me what i canot do for myself"...?? If I dont believe that...then everything I have written and done in 2 years is bull....
That doesnt work for me. I know that this is just another PART of becoming...whatever the heck it is I am becoming. Big time of metamorphosis for me.. so I am listening.
i really appreciate you sharing your histroy with me. Very important that I dont feel alone in this strange world right now. Peace Jo
Hi Lily, You sound so confused and desperate, yet I am stuck on the fact that you don't want to stop using. In my experience people don't stop untill the desire to live clean exceeds the desire to get high. You talk all about God and spirituality and feeling false but I can remember many a stoned evening having similar thoughts and conversations. I'm glad you found us. Too bad that there aren't NA meetings near to you, but I for one believe that it is ok to go to AA. Being in a room of recovery is a good thing. You can maintain your integrity and respect their primary purpose by listening but not sharing. It's never wrong to hear a message of recovery. good luck to you and God bless you. Just remember to keep coming back.
Pots makes me creative. That was BS. I have done my best, creative work since getting clean.
Pot helps me concentrate. BS. I can think, read, write, talk, etc, much more clearly now that I am off drugs. When I stopped smoking pot, I almost immediately noticed how much clearer my thinking got. It was like I had been in a fog for all those years.
Pots helps me me cope. That was BS. Toward the end of my using days, I became anxiety-ridden, paranoid, and delusional. In NA, I have learned how to cope with life without the use of drugs. I am coping much better today than I ever did while on drugs/alcohol.
Pot is just an herb, not a strong drug. It can't hurt. Double BS. Pot changes your mind, takes away you motivation, is addictive, hurts your memory, hurts your lungs. Today's pot is much stronger than it was years ago (I have been told).
I had to look honestly at myself. I asked myself whether I wanted to be a pothead the rest of my life. Fortunately, I said no.
lilly, i smoked, snorted, and swallowed everything i could for 42 years. my wife told me to get help or get out. i lived a lie for years. i went to treatment, got my head clear, and realized i was not a bad person, made some real bad choices. i experienced confusion and fear trying to get clean, but i finally admitted i am an addict after denying it for years. things started happening i didn't understand and now i know it was because i renewed my relationship with my God. you hang in there, better times are ahead if you want them, and i think you do/ there is a lot of strength and experience with the folks here, good advise will come your way. someone told me the other day leaving a meeting, wouldn't it be cool if everyone in the world would work a 12 step program, addict or non-addict. she was right!!! good luck...
